Well last night, after a bad week and after everything being so great recently, my partner decides he is leaving to stay with his friend. I dont know wether i have enough fight left in me to do this again, there's so much going on, that he caused whilst not here last time, and even though i am willing to bend over backwards to help him so our family can move forward he is focusing on the past almost to the point he is making excuses as to why we wont work.
Totally devastated... Do i fight or do i give up? If he comes back like he said he will how will i ever feel secure and not be wandering when he will leave next.
My head and heart are having a real fight of their own now, he text 3 kisses this morning and thats it, no i love you or anything, love isnt meant to hurt like this 😢
He has his brain scan on Monday which i hope he goes to and doesn't just miss it and end up going on self destruct like last time, which would definitely be the end as me and the kids deserve so much more, i told him im taking next week off work and he immediately says, "back to this again" and gets really mad coz the business will suffer, again he isnt thinking about me or my emotions at all, really struggling with everything this morning 😞
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Beckyv1288
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Hi I’m so sorry to read all this, it’s so so difficult isn’t it? So hard on you. I wish I had some words of advice or something useful to say. All I can do is tell you that I really understand. I wish you all the strength you need to get through this difficult period and hope he starts to show more signs of recover very soon xx
I wouldn't rush to do anything. As much as you are worried about him, you and your children have to come first.
Maybe if you have the weekend apart it will give you time to recharge your very depleted batteries and give him time to settle down. Hopefully his mood will improve and you will be able to sort things out.
I'd go with him on Monday for the scan that way you'll know he's attended. It could be that he's worried about it and what it may or may not show. And unfortunately you are on the receiving end of his fear.
It will also give you some much needed breathing space so that you can see things a little more rationally. Even if he can't, it'll all be your fault anyway. Just as it always is here x When my husband left me a couple of weeks ago over the cat food (he now happily buys the one he didn't want the cat to have) part if me felt a sense of relief and I like you did wonder whether to take him back or not.
It's early days for us and I'm hoping that the cognitive assessment he's waiting for will help and as he gains some much needed insight things will improve. But I know that if his behaviour continues as it is then for my own sanity as much as I love him we will not be able to stay together. Only you know whether you want to give it another go if you do then it will take time to build up the trust again. You also have to think of the impact of this on your children and prioritize their needs first.
It's so hard seeing the person you love acting so irrationally and I'm only just beginning to learn how to cope and deal with the man I now have. A man who if he'd have treated me this way when we met I would never have dated let alone marry! I know it may sound harsh and horrible but you can only excuse and accept so much due to the bi. You are only human and everyone has their breaking point.
Being the carer is at times a very lonely place. Only us living with a bi survivor know what it's like. Just as we don't know what it's like for them.
Hard and easier to keep up due to separate threads, I seem to remember you both had a meeting where he seemed to acknowledge his difficulties and you expressed your frustrations.
If he was a friend of mine I could probably offer an opinion, I can think of only 3 people who could do that for me if I needed such help.
All 3 of these people know each of us equally well and I'd trust them to have both our interests at heart. I can imagine all three could act as mediators and a confidant if necessary.
Is there no one that could play this role for you if the counselling route has failed?
If your husband was one one of my friends my advice would range from, "He's obviously not well and he needs help" to "He was always a bastard better rid of him".
We have a work colleague who we can act as a go between and she is extremely good with doing that as she knows the whole story, although after i spoke to her and told her he has left again she has said i need to do what is right for the kids and that basically i am a single mother most of the time as he is always off doing what he wants with no regard for me or the kids and its like she is saying just let him go (easier said than done)
I have tried to not contact him this weekend but he is the one texting me etc, asking what i am doing, asking if i am making food and also telling me he loves me, so having a whole weekend apart isnt really working as he is the one texting me etc
I know we haven't separated this time but it feels like i have been left for good, i think i need to set a date in my head and if he isnt back then pack his stuff and tell him this wont work, i love him but he cant love me deep down to be able to do this to me surely?
I cant go through the same hell i did last time 😞 he defo isnt well but at the same time theres a limit to what i should have to endure for the sake of love (if thats what its called)
Becky, by concenrating on the care of yourself and your two children (and leaving your man be) for the present is maybe what's needed.
Could you speak with his friend (or text him) and impress on him the importance of the scan on Monday ? .................or would your husband be agreeable to your accompanying him ?
But I think that only by letting him make his own way and his own decisions for a while will he learn that the grass isn't as green as he thought it would be elsewhere.
And whilst his brain is struggling to make sense of who he has become since his TBI, he might need time for reflection without responsibilities & commitments. It's a cruel twist that it's often the loved ones who get the brunt of these situations whilst the brain injured one is often oblivious to the emotional wreckage.
I'm so sorry for your plight Becky. It will be a massive challenge for you, especially whilst caring for young children ! Maybe (after some eye-openers and mistakes) your man will get the hang of his new self and regain a sense of what he's missing ; I hope so.
Thanks for your replies, it really helps to have advice and help from the best place possible!
I am happy for him to have time alone but not happy that he has left me with the kids without a care in the world, with no day on when he will return, also the reason we are having troubles at the moment are due to the last time he left which resulted in a child being born.... Not with me 😞 and things are so tough but that was inevitable it would be difficult.
I have seen him today and he kissed me and told me he loves me. I know he needs time to himself but he has responsibilities with his family too.
I will look after the kids and myself in the hope he returns and stays, if he doesn't i know deep down i deserve more, regardless of the love i have for him and our wonderful future we had planned.... I will have to move on and he will have to realise too late what he has lost, if he is gone there will be no way back, brain injury or not.
I will ensure he goes to his scan coz ill kidnap him otherwise, he knows this is important so i hope he goes for his kids if not himself.
Feeling ok this afternoon but im sure at bed time when i am alone i will feel upset again.
9 years ago. I went to counselling for myself because my heart and my head were in such separate places like yours. I could not make a decision for myself I was so confused. It really helped me, heart and head did come together eventually it took a year.
I was looking to my partner at the time to be the husband I wanted, and I struggled to accept that he had changed and was not there for me emotionally. It was confusing because he was sending me mixed message.
I decided to move on. I stop looking to my partner for equally share childcare and became the primary parent. I got strong for me and my daughter and ironically for my ex. I looked for my support network which was my sister and strangely his mother and family along with other single mothers and new friends that I made on my journey. 9 years down the line and my ex husband has been a good dad and supported me as single mum. Loneliness upset, hurt and disappointment are part of the course but when you get through to the other end you are in a much better place and stronger person. I have only needed small amount of support from my ex and he as been able to give that over the years. The point is your BI might not be able to give you what you need and want in the way that you want it. He might cope better and be more helpful to you if you supported him to play just a small part in you and child lives well.
It's hell when a partner comes and goes emotionally and practically and hell for the kids . I for one couldn't cope.
I just wanted you to know that being a single mum is scary but it can be positive for everyone.
Only you know if the relationship can work. What ever choice you make everyone is here to support x
Thats a very good reply Daylight, how did you deal with being so in love with your husband to end up being alone? Or did you end up so worn down you were happy to part ways? Did you grieve for what your future should have been, for all the plans you had made? Did he end up with someone new and if so how did you feel? I feel crushed just imagining no future together, even though its so awful again now, i dont want my life with anybody else. I dont want me, i want we. I want all we have planned together.
Its been a wave of emotion this weekend, one minute im fine and the next i want to cry 😢 all very draining.
I know there would be a new path for me but i want what was planned and i want it with the man i love.... Its such a horrible position to be put in, why is this life so cruel and unfair?
His scan is later today so i guess it will be a start, although the results wont be given until his next appointment with the neuro, which he/we are still waiting for, hoping it come through in the next few weeks.
Beckyv1288 I'm not sure this will be of any assistance to you but I presume others will read this thread with similar issues and this may resonate. I contacted a old friend I met via Headway, at the time he'd been divorced for 4 years after a 25 year relationship.
I went to his 50th birthday celebration and found myself sitting at a table with his (ex?) sister in law, with my friend, at another table, deep in conversation with a women. They were talking all night and obviously getting on very well, I was amazed to be told by her sister it was his ex wife. Her sisters seemed to have taken the side of my friend as she'd falling out with his ex about it, he say he just kept out of that argument for the sake of their daughter.
His version is that his inability to help as much around the house, coupled with his distance caused her to be very critical.
After the TBI he felt like his life and self had changed causing him to feel a loss of self and that his life was beginning to unravel. His pre TBI life seemed like another world and he felt like he was grieving. He joined Friends Reunited, "God knows why" as he'd never thought about them before and he'd always laughed at the idea of catching up with people from school.
All this caused him to think about his pre TBI life and he began to consider how his relationship had been but all the could remember was the good moments, which begged the question was the rest of it happy, he couldn't say as it was just the mundanity of life. Now he can see he needed counselling about all these issues concerning the concept of self and loss.
He thinks a near death experience was probably more traumatic than he realised at the time.
Around this time he would have described his wife as evil due to the arguments that seemed to be all about his lack of help around the house, now he can see it was the stress his wife was under that caused her to be unable to cope, in fact I've never heard him say anything negative about her.
It's now 7 years since their divorce and he's never been in a relationship, he says he's never met anybody who's combined attraction and connection, now he's beginning to think this won't happen, he lives alone and is not happy and his ex-wife also still lives alone.
He spends Christmas day with his ex and daughter, occasionally meets his ex for lunch and they get on very well both believing they'd still be married but for those stressful 3 years post TBI.
Despite all this he still feels it was right to divorce as something had broken which unfortunately he believed couldn't be repaired. He say the combined effect of stress from TBI and friction in his marriage caused him to have some kind of breakdown feeling he couldn't cope, so when his wife told him to leave, once more, he said yes and divorce followed.
At the time his biggest concern was his daughter who was 12 but when she found out despite her initial tears she soon accepted the situation and did talk about how bad it had been for her hearing all the arguments. They still have a good relationship but he does fell like he has lost something as her refuge is home & mother if things go wrong.
He is one of the many who following discharge never received any support from Neuro-rehab, he thinks help at the beginning and even at the end may have saved his marriage, although those 3 years to him are just one blare of stress and depression.
At the mediation stage their facilitator questioned the decision to divorce given how they obviously seemed so suited and were very friendly to each other.
It impossible to know how relevant the experience of others are but this is one side from one couple.
I did suggest that he join us but whilst he's happy for me to relate his experience he's not keen to tell it himself, he just hopes his story may help someone.
Of course I've condensed down everything he told me if anyone one wants clarification just ask. He's OK'd this post and is happy for me to tell anything he told me.
The thing that makes me really angry is all those I've met were early Neuro help may have prevented, loss of job, mental health problems and relationship breakdown, a national scandal!
Wow thats quite an emotional story and all i read is the sad loss of a relationship that didnt need to end if help had been given. Did he actually fall out of love with his ex wife? And she him? I find the thought heartbreaking.. That the love never went and it was purely the stresses of the TBI that caused the split, almost like an unfinished book where the last page had been left blank and there was no real end 😐 an awful end!!!
Your friend should join, it actually really helps to read about experiences and possible solutions to problems, its an elite club to be in when nobody opted to be in it.
My partner has stayed over a few nights since Friday, he DID go to his scan Monday and the neuro team rang today and said his Doctor wants to see him before her time off in May so at least i know it will be in the next 4 weeks and then the next plan should be in place.
He has said he thought the time away would solve some issues but it hasnt and he wants things to be back to normal as he hates this at the moment, i now think he will come home and this isn't forever but still dont know when, i will just need to remember he is a new person and what we had for 10 years will never be like that again, and that this is a new guy ive met.
I agree that the lack of help after first going home isnt great, its easy to let someone tell you that your fine so you sign them off as fixed, what needs to happen is there is at least 2 years of follow ups to ensure things like this dont happen... If i hadnt had said you still need help then i think he may have carried on as he was forever until he really did come to a grinding halt and have a full on mental breakdown.
Im so grateful for anybody who takes the time to reply to my posts, it really means alot, Thankyou everyone 🙂
Your question "Did he actually fall out of love with his ex wife? And she him? is perhaps the most complicated to answer.
As he see things in terms of pre and post TBI he has doubts about love and when that ended, now he can't imagine being in love with her.
His sister in law, who has some involvement with domestic violence, has said she wouldn't expect one of their clients to still love their partner. His response to that is I don't know much about that.
He also wonders after 25 years together had love turned into just friendship, he doesn't know because that was the other life.
His ex is still the person he can talk to the easiest and is often surprised how natural that seems. Last year he went on holiday with a friend and he knew it would have been much better with his ex.
He still struggles to understand the way their relationship unravelled, he likened it to a super charged mid-life crisis.
We suspect a near death event may well be a traumatic episode in itself add a brain injury and you've probably got the potential for a perfect storm.
On a couple of occasions there has been concern about their daughter and whilst he's calm his wife's stress causes him to have severe panic so he knows living together would be impossible. They both agree on that, he believes they've both become Pablov's dog with too many triggers related to 3 years of stress.
His wife wanted the marriage to continue as they were so suited but once the die was cast he knew that wouldn't work and he felt that wasn't fair on her.
From what he knows she was in a bad way at first making him the villain to some joint friends, he always said it was him that changed and not his wife and that it's complicated.
For the first 3 months she went from not drinking at night to one bottle of wine every night and on her first holiday he received around 3 texts each day. He now knows she's doing well but doesn't feel it's appropriate to ask about her feelings on the end of the marriage.
To sum it up he's say "I don't know much about anything", he found our chat therapeutic as I don't know his ex, whilst most of his friends do and he wouldn't tell them what he said to me. He's thinking now that perhaps counselling may get his head together, as he said life can be cr@*.
He OK'd all this but couldn't write about it himself as it's too stressful hence he won't be joining us just yet. This doesn't make the end any better but as he says there's more pages yet.
I really feel for both of them even though i dont know them, its such a hard thing to deal with on both sides. I understand your friend isnt ready to join us but after some counselling and perhaps alot of reading he may find writing to help others a therapy in itself 🙂 every body is here for help of some sort.
I think alot of people will find his experience, written through you, very helpful. I am thats for sure.
Its still very saddening at the thought that it wasnt supposed to end? Although had they had problems pre TBI then it would make it more (prob wrong word) bearable it did end. Only they would know and reading about the ex and how she reacted i can almost feel her pain for the end.
When my partner had his accident and i started to notice a change in his personality i remember googling about relationship breakdowns after a TBI and found it to be high within the first year or two, they really need to look into help as its possible many couples who shouldnt split do split and so much more problems are created leading to additional stress for the brain injured (which could be quite dangerous really mentally)
Its good your friend can open up to you, alot of people dont at all and yes there are lots of pages yet, i hope his pages are filled with great things.
I agree going home is a huge step and more support is needed through this process. It would be good if anyone with a brain injury went home with appointments and handover to a community type rehabilitation team to continue the support and knowledge for all involved. Unfortunately as mentioned, some patients are released home as if fixed and your on your own. Patients go home feeling confident but once home have more challenges that have many effect, including fatigue management, emotional effect and relationship strains.
So many relationships issues that could be supported earlier.
It’s definitely not easy but with the correct neuro support could probably save a lot of relationships.
Also had the neuro team ring again today and follow up with the neuro lady after the scans Monday is in2 weeks so not long to wait at all.
Hopefully he will be home by then and we can move forward from this bad time..... Hate sitting here alone after the kids have gone to bed (noticing that daddy isnt home again)
Well i guess my partner is home again afet realising that levaing isnt the answer to fixing all the stress. I have said that's all well and good for him but not for me and the kids and ive actually told him now if he leaves again then he leaves for good. We don't need the upheaval!!! He has his next neuro appointment this Friday.
I've also been reading about ear plugs as he doesn't tolerate noise well and we have a holiday in 3 weeks (first since accident) and i have been getting anxious about the plane and his intolerance to noise, it may not be our kids making the noise so i have ordered 3 types of ear plug and im hoping they will make for an easy flight.
Anyway all seems ok for the minute, I'll update regarding his appointment and what the next course of action is, if any and also will be writing about the holiday and how that goes.
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I’m so sorry to read all this, it’s so so difficult isn’t it? So hard on you. I wish I had some words of advice or something useful to say. All I can do is tell you that I really understand. I wish you all the strength you need to get through this difficult period and hope he starts to show more signs of recover very soon xx
New here! 
glad it's not just me.....
I don't know where to go from here
