relationships

My husband is afraid to touch me incase he hurts me or makes my pain worse, i feel rejected as a woman and i don't know how to cope with this .

Kira x

[ladymoth]

Hi Kira,

This is a very difficult one, and can only be sorted out by frank discussion. You will need to show your husband you love and need him, by being affectionate and understanding.

He is probably as frightened and anxious as you are, wondering how you will both manage to cope, so it will be very hard for you.

May I suggest that you go together for an appointment with 'Relate' for couples counselling? They used to be known as Marriage Guidance, and have always been associated with people facing marital breakdown, but in fact they do a great deal of work with couples facing chronic illness together and have a great record of success in this field.

relate.org.uk/sex-therapy/i...

Their service is not free, but they will make allowances for those who have a limited income. I think you would find this very helpful indeed, so best of luck, whatever you decide to do.

Moffy x

[Hidden in reply to ladymoth]

thanks for the advice Moffy, but i cannot see my husband going to couple counselling, he doesn't see there is a problem and reassures me that we are rock solid, but i feel like our relationship has gone from husband and wife to carer and invalid I have talked openly to him and he knows exactly how i feel , he tells me that he his frightened he hurts me even more than i hurt already , he doesn't understand that i need that intimate closeness and its not just about sex. .

thanks Kira x

[Hidden]

Hi Kira

I agree with Moffy, you need to talk about it. You need to reassure him that you will be able to tell him what feels good, what is ok, and what is too painful. At the same time, he needs to know that will change from day to day. He also needs to know how you feel, and that his 'care' for you is being expressed in an unhelpful way. Try to work together to find things that help you both. It's not easy, and getting outside help from relate or elsewhere may be just what you need to build a new way of relating to each other.

Good luck, I hope things improve soon.

x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your good luck wishes

hugs Kira x

[Hidden]

Hi Kira

I know exactly how you feel and i am sorry for your situation. After 21 years in a relationship my partner left me giving me a pathetic excuse , i know deep in my heart it was because of my state of health . All the problems i have to cope with , the drugs i have to take and all the hospital visits .

I wish i had communicated more with my partner or asked him to come with me to speak with my doctor. All i did was throw a leaflet at him and told him to read it.

Maybe making the first moving and throwing your arms around him to show you can still hug each other and have a physical relationship.

I really pray you can get this sorted . Take care

x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm so scared of rejection , but i will take your advice and see what happens. I'm very tired today tho .

hugs Kira x

[bernie1]

Hi just to say i no how yous are feeling brain not working sorry

[Hidden in reply to bernie1]

I understand what you are saying , thanks for your reply

Hugs Kira x

[mooo1967]

Awwww kira, I do feel for you and your husband but there is nothing more loving than communication, cook a meal or take him out it doesn't need to cost much a lot of places due yo the economy are giving a lot of really good offers. Try laughing with him - show him you love and need him. Oh Friday we've been married 27 years and although not as intimate as once upon a time but we do have lots of hugs cuddles laughs but I think more importantly we talk. Big gentle hugs xx

[Hidden in reply to mooo1967]

My situation is that i cannot cook or do the normal things i used to, Colin is now my carer in all aspects of daily living due to my cfs/me & Fibromyalgia which is spread throughout my body . I so wish i could cook him a meal, most days it takes me to get out of bed and get dressed , eg today i have slept constantly and just not been able to function at all, I know that very shortly i will need to go back to bed and i know i will sleep again .... thank-you for your response to my question ... tomorrow is a new day isn't it

Hugs Kira x

[CryBaby]

Hi Kira,

Your post could have been written by me! We are having exactly the same problem. He's afraid that he'll hurt me more than I'm already hurting- but to me the rejection is even worse.

We have been talking about it, but seem to be going round and round but not improving anything.

Thanks Moffy for the link!

I keep telling myself that I have to be patient and understandibg of him too- it's a huge adjustment for him as well.

Just know that we aren't alone and others have similar things going on helps too thiugh.

CB xxx

[Hidden in reply to CryBaby]

Thanks CB you're right ofcourse that there are many couples going through the same problems . I talked to my husband earlier on a rare occasion when i was actually awake and up!!! today has been a bad day for me anyway he doesn't see us a needing counselling and i have to just maybe wait til i'm feeling better then grab the bull by the horns so to speak , there is no doubt that we dearly love each other tho , maybe i'm just feeling vulnerable

hugs Kira x

[cherrypie]

Kira,i know exactly how you feel lovely and i have to say that talking frankly and openly and showing him how he can help helped me and andy greatly.we can cuddle and watch trlly,hold hands, share baths and have sex but we found our own way.its unique to each couple and i hope you can get thru it.

[Hidden in reply to cherrypie]

He has told me we are strong together and he only ever wants to be with me, yet we don't make love, he says he will try to get his head around our situation , i'm hurting emotionally, its not the physical side that i miss, its being held and loved in a way that can only be expressed through making love . Thank-you Cherrypie, the fact that you have replied means alot to me, and that i am not alone

hugs Kira x

[kim6660]

I read a post before that a lady used to hurt really badly for days after making love ,it has quite the opposite effect on me I feel elated, wanted, loved and so close to my hubby to be ,I met him a year before I got diagnosed with M E /Fibromyalgia/COS.He truly is one in a million he understands completely where I am painwise and we talk about everything ,and he still wants to marry me !!!

[Hidden in reply to kim6660]

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy for you , hold on tight to him, and never let a day pass without letting him know how much you love him

hugs

Kira x

[Sandy247]

Dear serindipity2, I like you, can do very little and my partner is everything to me. He cooks, shops, cleans, drives - basically everything - he even washes me when I am too weak. I love him dearly and he loves me and we had a similar situation to yours - he was scared of hurting me.. I was missing the intimacy of our relationship but I was also frightened of being rejected so I took the decision to talk to him and, if he did reject me after our talk then perhaps we shouldn't be together anyway,

We sat down and we had one of many talks.[One of the things we decided then was that if either of us was unhappy with anything then we would talk openly about it with the other without apportioning blame]

I explained that more than anything I love him and there are not enough words to describe how wonderful he his and that because of him I feel 'human' - I sometimes think that we do not thank our carers enough, especially when they are related to us, and sometimes we take them for granted which can cause animosity

.

I also explained to him that I am not in extreme pain constantly and that because I love having sex with him I will let him know when the time is right. What is wonderful now is because we don't know from one day to the next when we can have sex it makes it special and fun.

.

I've also learned to let him go - what I mean by this is he can't be cooped up in the house everyday just because I don't go out very often - he has friends and hobbies and he cannot be expected to give them up because I am ill. I think that it is extremely important that you do not put restraints on him. He needs to breathe and relax and have time away from you - if he doesn't he'll become angry and distant and blame you for everything that goes wrong and nobody wants that. What we do is - my partner won't go out unless he thinks I am well enough to be left alone. He always takes his mobile and insists that should anything happen I telephone him immediately - which I agree to.

his is great for me as I get to order lots of things online and telephone my friends for hours

.

Basically, what I am trying to say is communication is the most important part of your relationship. You each need to know what makes the other happy/sad/angry and when your communication is strong you become a team again, able to cope with anything that life throws at you.

Hope this helps

Take care

S X

PS -Why don't you surprise him by having a take-away delivered to your house? He'll be over the moon that you thought of him and that he doesn't have to cook that night. I do this 2-3 times a month and it's great for my partner to have a rest and there's nothing better than being able to put a smile on someone's face.

[Hidden in reply to Sandy247]

I'm really happy for you and glad that intimacy works for you and your partner. We have done the talks until there is nothing more to say. I cannot see myself without him for i love my husband dearly but i really wonder what our/my future holds either.

thank-you for your response and wish you and your partner all the best for the future

hugs Kira x

[Sandy247]

Hi serendipity2

Thank you very much for your reply.

I've had an idea that might help you - why don't you show him this page? It might help him to understand how you feel and that he is not alone in this - a lot of men seem to think that for some unknown reason. Anyway, if you haven't already shown him this page perhaps it will help. Fingers crossed.

I'm thinking of you and hope everything works out for the best for the two of you.

Take care

S x

[Hidden in reply to Sandy247]

Hi Sandy, I'm very unsure about showing him this page. I have brought up this topic on a regular basis and he says we will be fine and things will return , but he never makes any advances, i'm too scared to try cos i couldn't stand rejection, i've also told him this. I don't know what to do next. Thank-you for your reply i'll think about it

hugs Kira x