There is a theory that CF/ME can be brought on by abusive relationships, which eventually wear down the body, physically and mentally - all that coping and putting on a brave face!
Does anyone have an opinion on that? How many of us would say they had the same situation?
Kate
mines being blamed on a non nuturing childhood,
Absolutely Kate. I might be wrong but I married when I was 18, and on our first wedding anniversary he started beating me up. This got worse over the years. We had a shop and after being up most of the night being knocked about, I had to get up and put on my brave smile and go and serve in the shop with a big smile.
I had to put up with that for 10 years because I couldn't get out, I had nowhere to go with my 2 boys.
Sue
Hi sue, sorry i had to jump in.
Thats is terrible sue, how you got through that i do not know.
Thats enough to give anybody fibro, as i believe that a traumatic event has brought mine, this was a very prolonged traumatic event. Bless you.
hugs, kel xxx
I don't know how I got through it either Kel but I did. I'm sure a few people have had abusive relationships too. Thank you love xxxx 
Oh Sue, I am so sorry to hear your story. I could not believe it , it 's like reading my own !! I too got married at 18, parents and friends tried to put me off, but at that age you think you know better ,eh? It was ok for about 4 months after the wedding, and then I saw his true colours. He had bought a bungalow about an hour away from my parents, so had me all to himself. Things were not good.
I had been working as a florist in London before marriage, so he bought a green grocer/flower shop with his mum and had me working [ no wages] doing floristry, earning good money for his family. I had been with him since I was 15, he had always treated me like his princess, so when it all changed , it all came as a shock. He never bruised places that could be seen , so I kept it a secret.
I put up with him and his fists for about 8 months then gathered the strength to call my mum and dad to come and 'recue me'. I had never told them about it until then.
I got them to arrive once he had left for work early one morning, and I left him.
I never thought about this, that mental and physical abuse could have triggered something in me?? I am 51 now, and it all seems like a distant nightmare. Do I have him to thank for the state I'm in now ?? who knows. take care luv Mandy xx
Hi Katy,
I started with M.E about 15 years ago and Fibro 20+ years ago, I didn't have an abusive relationship, I was happy and had a wonderful life when I started with it.
I don't doubt some people probly do start with it after a trauma or some kind of stress, something must trigger it, it could be a number of things, I believe my Fibro started after a car accident but the M.E started after a bad virus but thats just me it might be different for other people.
Irene x
Yes, after it was all over I had a really good life, one I enjoyed every day. But the symptoms were already coming along nicely!! It's almost like, when you no longer need to put on the performance, your body can let go and react to the past. Happy days.
Kate xxx
True Kate,
I went straight into another relationship - as you do - but he wasn't violent, think I may well have lost it and killed him - seriously - but he wasn't nice to my sons and it really was another bad relationship. He was extremely selfish and lived his life like he was a single man. When my parents came to stay twice a year, he would cause a row with me or be nasty to my sons just to upset everyone.
And I'm still married to him......... I had many, many years of one form of abuse or another. As did so many others.
Oh and I had Glandular Fever when I was 28 too so of course that wouldn't have helped. I was ill for months.
Ah!!!! I had the same when I was 15!! Another common point. Glandular fever has been cited as yet another cause. There seems to be so many!
Really? I don't remember reading about that. I shall go and google it.
Read it in one of those medical books, which make you think you've got the symptons of disease known to man!!
lol, even my doctor asks me "have you googled it?" when I go to him with anything. Thank goodness I'm able to read about illnesses without thinking I've got them all.
I just googled it and they do seem to think there could be a link.
well i had alot of stress when i gotmarried and divorced x2 wont go into detail themn i had whiplash twice in 3 yers and had a accident at work between the 2 whiplashes and damaged all my lower back and have not worked since my 1st marriage ended in 1989 and my accident was 2007 so between those is wher i had all the stress so dont know it may be a mixture of things that causes fibro ??? love to you diddle x
Why isn't life ever nice and simple and happy? I'm so sorry that you had all that to deal with, I hope things are much better now. I know, I know, Fibro, Chronic Fatigue, but hey, we have a bit of life besides that don't we?
I put mine 100% down to an abusive relationship.
He wasnt physically violent, it was mental and emotional and it never stopped, 24/7.
I slept on the sofa for the last year before I left.
In the end I had to walk away and leave everything I owned, including the house which I bought and paid for, because I was getting ill and the last straw was realizing what a terrible effect it was having on my son.
I truly think if I had left him as soon as it started I would be the same fit and healthy woman I was when I met him.
I've had health problems since my mum walked out when I was 4 . My dad had clinical depression and I cared for him, from age 4 until stepmother moved in when I was 8 . She was an alcoholic and so life didn't improve much . I started with agoraphobia , clinical depression and IBS and then gradually came problems with my muscles and joints . My first marriage was a disaster , he was in the armed forces , I was 16 and miles away from home and he was unfaithful all the way through . Then my next partner ( after my marriage had ended ) committed suicide when I was 5 months pregnant with our son . 2nd husband wasn't violent but was very controlling and bad tempered and prone to ignoring me for weeks sometimes. Coping with him , as well as my autistic son and eldest son who was 6 when his brother was born , saw my health go down hill big time.
It was finished off by my last partner who was an absolute nightmare and made the depression I had 100 times worse, to the point of 2 attempted suicides. Physically I just fell apart . I am definitely not the same person I used to be , the stress I went through in my last relationship changed me physically, mentally and emotionally .
I've often wondered if I'd be a fit and healthy woman had I not been in any of those relationships or if my parents had stayed together . I can't change it though so continue to try to look forward.
Big hugs to all of those who've suffered abusive relationships of any kind.
xx
Yes thats the key what you said right there you cant change it, your past that is but you can change your future and you can be anything you want to be bless you , you hold your head up high as far as i can see in all those relationships YOU done NOTHING wrong at all it all just centred round you and you were jus stuck there but you are out of that now so although yes you have ended up with fibro at least you are here .
if you feel you have never done or achieved anything you are wrong you have produced 2 lovely children and they adore you i am sure and they will make you so proud as they grow up and you will end up with prob an extended family through them and they will maybe have their own kids and you will again be part of that so from you, all that will have come so you get those shoulders back and say i am me i am proud to me and no one is ever gonna hurt me again and you can do anything if you put your mind to it you take care lots of love to you diddle x
I think stress plays a major part my mum was very uncaring she always pretended to be ill, hence me trying to be superwoman and never wanting to be ill,being forced to grow up to soon, doing the shopping the washing lookin after my disabled sister oh the list goes on, theres only so much we can take
That's exactly it diddle , all of those things happened TO me not because of me, and that's how I try and look at it .
I suppose as a child I was quite anxious because I had a lot of responsibility on my shoulders from a young age , but it also meant long term I became a good mum myself because I was determined my kids would never suffer what I did. I was strict with them, but they've grown up with manners and know how to behave and I know I did that for them. I have no real feelings for my own mum, although I do see her , because she's very self centred and when she left she made it clear she wasn't all that bothered about maintaining a relationship with me . She ran off with my dad's best mate , mainly because he had money and she could have a life free of responsibility . She never had any more children and that's a blessing . I suffer her now because despite her failings she's been good to my sons.... I could have starved for all she cared but she thinks the world of them.
The things have happened to me have made me a strong person inside , they've given me compassion for others and despite the poor relationships with my ex's , they also brought me my lovely fiancé because he is so different to the normal type of men I would have dated, and that was a deliberate choice on my part to look outside of my normal tick lists .
Finding this site has been a blessing for me , there is a strength and warmth here and it feels like being amongst friends.
Hugs
xx
Agree with all of you.
I have had the stress throughout life. Fractured skull, work accident, bullied at work, whiplash, smashed knees, Glandular fever that has never healed and abusive relationship, luckily for only 3 years and no children.Then I took on more stress by becoming local and national union rep! and having my mother move in with me months before I had a major move myself
May we all know a brighter future
Love and gentle hugs to you all xx
Like x
I agree that stress and trauma in all its myriad forms can cause our bodies & minds to suffer, in all sorts of ways, and certainly does the fibro no good whatsoever!
Myself, I grew up in a home with domestic violence and lots of other abuse, and was often so stressed at night waiting for it all to start that I'd stare at the door, fully clothed, terrified & crying completely silently. I remember some nights I used to put my hand on the wall next to my bed and wish I lived on the the other side with the neighbours.
Then when I left home as a teenager I experienced homelessness, was forced into prostitution, and got into my first violent relationship at 18. Then another (even worse one) at 20 (I had step children through him, who I still miss so very much).
I was single for a year after him, before getting into a very cold and unloving relationship which didn't last long, then met someone who seemed so lovely that I moved 200 miles to live with him. After we'd moved in together he totally changed, becoming very controlling and weird (he was particularly obsessive with dust, and became aggressive if he thought I hadn't hoovered 'properly'/ironed his clothes well enough/hadn't shaved my legs properly!, that sort of thing.)
I was single for three years after I left that relationship, before meeting the man I'm currently in refuge accommodation for 
I have no doubt that the constant stress and anxiety I've felt all my life has affected me physically, but I've also had serious physical injuries and illness as well, and it was significant blood loss during a miscarriage that certainly precipitated the worst of my symptoms.
I've never really thought about the violence I've experienced being a cause, although I know it's certainly brought on mental health problems, but I do know it hasn't helped me physically in the past 6 years. Being on edge all the time does no one any good. But, on the plus side I think my experiences have made me a more caring person, and I'm able to listen to some awful things and not recoil, because they don't shock me, so I'm probably better at listening too than I otherwise might have been.
Wow, I've rambled on for ages now sorry!
I will finish by saying that reading what some of you have written it's amazing that you're all here at all, let alone on a forum offering your experience and strength to each other! Even when I don't post I do read everyday and gain so much from everyone here, sharing and helping each other. Thank you x
I just wish that the GPs and specialist would read as well, they would learn a lot and have to believe that it's not all in the mind.
What you need t do now is believe that all your bad past is behind you now and, apart from FB, life is just going to get better and better. It's a corny old thing to say, but no matter what happens there's a beautiful sunrise every day, and the planet is wonderful. It's only humans that are a mess. Keep positive and one day all will be well.
Kate xxx
I wasin an abusive realtionship for over 20 years til the ***** (swear word) tried to murder me. so I guess yes is the answer. Although I wqas told me my consultant that I was probably born with the condition I think it worsened when the abuse started. Thankfully I have been free of the relationsip fir just over 12 years now.
i think there might be something in that, certainly in my experience xx
I had an abusive wife ! Started after we had health problems with our 2nd boy., and because her parents who we lived with wouldn't ever baby sit.
The situation carried on just in fits and starts ok inbetween but the when the boys had left home it became almost unbearable, every thing was always my fault. I stuck it because I thought I should, for better or for worst.
Then in 92/93 I had a lot of business problems going on, stuff that was going to make us well off, but when our builder went bust that was it every minute ot just the two of us together was sheer hell, no-one else knew or so I thought.
Anyway I finished up attempting suicide but because of how screwed up I had become I couldnt get that right. My councillors all told me to never go back to living with her again- yes they had talked to her as well.
I remarried 5 yrs later and for the next 7/8 yrs my poor new wife had to put up with all sorts of harrassment even though my first wife was also remarried
.Now that has stopped but for my new wife it is frustrating that my fibro interferes with what ought to be a carefree retirement. She is brilliant at knowing how I feel and doesn't complain but just takes over. I love her to bits !
Really sorry to hear your story retiredpharm. We don't often hear it from a mans point of view yet we know it happens. I'm so pleased you have found happiness with your 'new' wife.
Sue
my 1st was very abusive!! broken nose twice, damaged cocksit, cut fingers open, broken ribs used to bang my head on things and punch and kick me, nearly killed me and threatend if he could not have me neither would anyone else as he would do time for meeven with a cable wire round my neck! who knows what can happen over time and i tell you if any of this was down to the weakening of the bones etc over the 23 yrs i will go to town on that person and see if i can claim..But for time being i think mines down to titanium that i have from a hernia operation 2yrs ago, cos had a titanium belly piercing which got infected so who knows what causes it. so many factors can including stress and over working! . Had a lot of things gone on in past but my marriage of 16yrs is lovely he worships me, so not all bad, but just a shame that if its down to abuse we should be aloud to claim against it xx
Hi,
My ex all that time ago tried to strangle me 8 times in 8 weeks. I left him.
I also had child abuse done to me and two rapes by my half brothers.
I now see a counsellor for all this but is this what really brought on the fibro and the anxiety i wonder?
From Kerry29
hi kerry that is so awful what you went through i can say i had a mentally, physically and verbal abusive relationship with demands on sex too (iclass as not acceptable and forced) i also had abusive childhood with sitters and neighbour and things like that do make you think later in life as things come back to haunt you! plus many illnesses.
I had strangulation so bad i thought i would die too but some one walked in on it happening (LUCKY) ! but am here and i am quite happy now to talk openly and help anyone else suffering and try get them out of it too xx I really hope this site helps as everyone is so helpful and friendly and if you wan to just let off steam you go ahead xxxx huggles to you and i hope you have found happiness now
Hi and thankyou,
Yes it is hard when this type thing happens and you can't stop it. I do wonder where the justice is when this type thing does happen but it must come from somewhere.
I have had this. The abusive relationship. That was 18 years ago tho. Does that make a difference being that long ago?
there is also the train of thought that if you are abused as a kid mentally or physically you have such low self esteem that you tend to gravitate towards men who do the same ,,, in my case that was pretty much so ,,,, i had nervous breakdown at 16 and soon after had all the unexplained tiredness and feeling rundown ,,,,i beleive many of us had our breaking point and regardless of what caused it that was he trigger ,,
hello, Gerry here,
yes i was born into an alcoholic family, i had one brother who was 10yrs older and a sister of 11yrs older another sister who is 8yrs another of 5yrs older. We were all emotionally and mentally abused and i know at least two of us sexually abused by our brother.......we were starved because of my dad drinking all the money and by the time i was born my mother had said, well if you cant beat 'em, join em'......but i know addiction being in recovery myself for quite some time as some of you know, you've got it in you......
My two sisters had got out early and came to England asap, after one of them adopting a baby out as he was not being fed properly and i remember the pain of that, because he was 1 and a half and i loved him so much.....i must have been 4 or 5yrs old......we were then to run to them to a bedsit in the house that they lived in (my mom my next eldest sister and I, we were 8yrs and 13yrs) W ran away from my dad and the fighting and ambulances and the blood and finding him in his suicide attempts were over...........but i really missed my dad....so did my mom, her drinking partner was gone, so she called him and told him where we were.........and so it began again, until they took me off them and put me in a childrens home for 3yrs, I was 13yrs when i got our of there and the on ly reason i got out was because my dad had died of alcoholic poisening when i was 12yrs old.
So it was me my mom and my next eldest sister and her baby son, she then got together with a gypsy who was married and brought all the fighting the blood the police the ambulances again and another child, who i was left to bring up, with my alcoholic mother in and out of the mental hospital and her alcoholism so much, until i left when i was 16yrs to go to America as a nanny......I was a potencial alcoholic, felt ver y very very unloved, had food issues, bulimia, starving, felt REALLY ugly and had tried at least 3 times to kill myself already.
Poor kid.......she was 3 months old and i stayed with them for three yrs. I actually had very caring people and i became really good friends with the lady and she became like a big sister that i never had, we are still friends today.
When i came home i was so mucked up in the head because i had not dealt with any of it i had just stashed it in a box, but it kept seeping through all the time i got drunk.
Then i met a guy who told me he loved me and it started an obsession in me that i just couldnt get rid of it .......until i got sober 10yrs later.....so 8yrs of batterings (it started with in weeks of being with him.....) broken jaws more drinking, pschyciatric wards, more drinking,broken, ribs, broken hand and finge=rs and numerious broken noses, windows braking with my head going through them, being locked in cupboards, fags stubbed out of me more drinking, always waving girls he was going with in front of me, so i would make pals with them and get drunk with them,....starvation again cos we would drink all the money and i would make sure he ate and not me, i would eatout of the bin stuff he left over.....And every time i would tell myself he says he loves me ....the drink and drugs were rife before now.
Then i went into rehab. And they have said to me that its because of all the trauma ive had.
But i havnt told you this in self pity the way i would have at one stage in my life because ive worked a whole lot on myself, but once i started to write i couldnt stop.
I am sorry i have gone on so long, but alot of us have been so affected by our back grounds, and i know that my mom and dad could only give me what they had and the rest was choises from a very sick head. So no one is to blame, thats the way life goes for some of us, and instead of why me....why not me, i would rather suffer than let anyone else have this.
I have always suffered from depression, no one noticed my suicide attemps, i have had about 10 attemps now. But because my eldest son who has the same problems as i had when i was a teenager with drugs and he is in prison, its his 19th birthday on saturday, and tried to kill himself 3weeks back, i could only give him what i had, which was 10yrs of recovery with therapies and stuff for him and places to go with all his problems and enough love and guidence and support,
in his head he willchoose the wrong decisions as the problems centre in his head.
I chose to stay with his father for those 8yrs because i couldnt tell the true from the false, and niether can i today if i dont get the every day help I NEED TO RECOVER. The same as i need my medicine everyday to cope with my fibro, my spinal problems and depression and o know that we have brought up 6 children up in amoungst all this to be good peopleas best they can and to know that two little ones, a boy of 9 yrs and a girl of 4yrs, need us to get up out of bed eeryday and look after them the best we can, then thats what we do.
God bless to all out there who is going through and have been through thier very own traumas, weather they are small or big, we all on here have on thing in common anfd thats pain, Mental, emotional, physical and spiritual, this fibro and all the other things we suffer from touches every part of our bodies heads, hearts and souls.
love gerry
Hi Gerry,
It is true. I would rather suffer then let anyone else suffer. what we went through. I'd rather be the one who got it in the neck. then for someone else to get hurt and harmed in any way.
Ill admit didnt read everything above, just skimmed it.
Im so glad you all got out of the bad relationships.
As Lynn the moderator said above stress plays a big part in it. The relationship I had with my parent was very stressful. We have not talked for over 15 years and it was only a few years ago that it stopped being stressful when passing them on the street.
I had a very stressful time with my mother in law too. In the end it came to her going to the dr and him telling her not to see me it was that stressful for her. Which was not good cause my sis in law was pregnant and planning her wedding. I had to be the bigger person and said this had to be sorted.
And then theres my sister - so high maintenance. She doesnt call and when you do she tries to get you off the phone quickly. Shes not interested if it does not involve her. I could win the Noble peace prize and she wouldnt care. Ive got to the point where Ive given up now its less stress for me.
The last two occurred before I got my first big hit of fibro and had to go to the drs. This has possibly been a big factor in it all.
X
you have now got me thinking....... mental abuse and/or physical abuse
yes i can believe it has a connection
