Hi girls. Sorry for the radio silence recently but my anxiety was through the roof and obsessive googling and forum searching was making it worse.
Unfortunately, I've just had a missed miscarriage confirmed, no heartbeat at 7-8 weeks. It's come as no surprise as my last two scans over the last few weeks showed the baby progressing much slower than expected. Nonetheless, the hope remained strong that perhaps as it was a natural, my dates were just off a bit. I really really prayed it would stay with me.
After 7 years trying. 3 years of ivf, 5 failed transfers, and 43 years old I honestly thought my miracle was here. Why is life so cruel? Why did I fall pregnant at this age when I'd a much smaller chance of a viable pregnancy.
Now I need to decide next steps re miscarriage, if anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it. My focus is that I want to try again as soon as possible.
I need to lick my wounds a bit but I will be OK. Unfortunately or fortunately, ivf has made me very resilient and able to deal with bad news. I just wished and prayed that for once it would be good.
Maybe someday it will happen.
Heartbroken Joey x
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I'm so sorry to see this Joey, I know you have been worried. It just isn't fair. Life can be so cruel sometimes. In terms of next steps, I have only been through surgical intervention though medical and natural are also routes you can decide upon. The surgical for me was the least worst option because I felt it would be the quickest and i was able to be asleep. If you feel up to looking, Tommy's have a section on their website about what the different treatments are. I'm very sorry you find yourself here in this place x x
I also had surgical management on the advice of my doctor and the only real trauma I had was the mental side of it. I actually felt guilty as it was so quick, easy and painless. So I’d also recommend surgical. X
Hi Joey. I’m so sorry to read this. Sometimes, there are no answers or reasons as to why these things happen and why life can indeed be so callous. After all you’ve been through, I wish this could have been your happy ending. It’s really positive to hear that you are wanting to try again and do not feel deterred by this heartbreaking experience. As for praying your baby would stay with you, our angel babies are always with us. I know not in the way we would want them to be, but they are always with us. Our DNA is forever changed after carrying babies. I found that a comfort after my miscarriage. Sending you so much love xx
Thanks, that's a lovely way to think about it. In a way I never fully felt pregnant because despite a good initial hcg, my subsequent scans were always very precarious. Maybe I need to accept that I was actually pregnant. I know that sounds silly probably. Maybe I've been in denial x
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is heartbreaking 💔 😢
I've been through the same thing 3 times now. The first time, i had a medically managed miscarriage (the EPU gave me Misoprostol and sent me home) and I would really advise against that if you don't need it because it was the most awful experience of my life.
The second and third ones I let happen naturally (both were around the 7 weeks as well) and it happened within a few days after I stopped taking progesterone). There was some cramping and bleeding, but it really wasn't too bad (physically). Emotionally obviously it is very hard, and I hope you have some support around you. I would suggest taking a few days off work if you're able to xx
In terms of starting again. I was told to wait until my next period because it does mess your cycle up a bit, but do make sure you're ready emotionally too xx
Thank you for sharing your experience. I know it's not easy. Medical management seems to be everyone's least preferred option.
Emotionally I'm doing OK. Obviously shattered by it but I've been doing ivf so long I've gotten used to bad news I think. I seem to think about it medically rather than Emotionally. I also think I did my grieving at last weeks scan, the tears flowed then. Maybe more to come. Who knows. Xxx
Dear Joey, this is incredibly unfair and I am sending you lots of love and a huge hug. Life can be very cruel and you certainly don’t deserve this.
I had a very similar experience to you. I had a missed miscarriage at around 10 weeks when I was 42. I waited for a while for things to happen naturally but in the end I opted for medical management in the form of tablets (misoprostol). It happened very soon after I left the EPU and allowed me to try and get on with the healing process a little sooner. I would suggest taking some time off work and having someone around to support you for the next few days afterwards. It was quite a traumatic experience for me. I found the waiting between scans so very difficult so didn’t want to wait any longer for things to take their course. Message me if you would like anymore details.
In terms of trying again, I was advised by a nurse in the EPU to just get on with it as soon as I felt comfortable doing so. I think you need to make sure that the miscarriage has completed so perhaps a scan from your EPU afterwards could help?
So sorry you understand only too well how I'm feeling. I've been in distress for 3-4 weeks now so I feel like I've already done a bit if grieving. Thankfully I have a good boss and decent miscarriage absence policy so I'll be taking advantage of that.
I appreciate you sharing your experience, which i know isn't easy. It's a club none of us want membership to xxxx
Re: next steps with miscarriage, I don't know if the below is helpful -borne out of my experience of recurrent losses.
Expectant (natural) management has the plus of being at home, but the wait can feel quite anxious and a bit without reassurance.
Medical has downsides due to physicality of process (speeds it up, can be all things from all available exits at once and, depending on drugs, can impact when you can try again).
Surgical can be painful, if not under general, and has minor possibilities of injury (very minor!).
I've had natural ones and surgical management (whilst awake). If the wait doesn't make you anxious, then natural is least bad option that I've had. Stock up on proper painkillers and speak to Miscarriage Association, or EPU/clinic etc, about what to physically expect/see at your gestation.
If you go down surgical route, check what pain relief will be and use than to inform whether you have general anaesthetic or not.
Can't comment on medical but I've generally seen as most bad option for me.
One final thing to consider is whether your clinic or EPU will test the tissue of your baby (sorry, I know that is an awful thing to have to read). My EPU do this for third losses onwards, but yours may offer as you have had recurrent failure. It might be worth asking and seeing if your clinic would offer support, such as a doctor's letter.
The reason I mention this is because your best chance of a good tissue sample is via surgical management. So, if testing is an option, and one you want to explore, it might be worth factoring this in.
Other than that, just to sympathise and say how sorry I am. It really, really sucks.
Be gentle with yourself, watch lots of low emotional investment TV, don't rush to have all the things you couldn't such as caffeine and alcohol as, I found, my body didn't want those until after my hormone levels returned to pre-pregnancy levels and trying to enjoy them just made me feel rubbish -like I didn't belong in either the pregnant nor the not-pregnant camp.
Life genuinely is horribly unfair but, and I appreciate how very far from possible this must seem right now, you truly will feel OK again and like yourself again. It just takes as long as it takes. Don't be afraid to seek out help and support with this. xxx
What a beautiful message. Thank you so much, i feel like you have all put an arm around me. Yes what worries me, very morbid, is what I would do with the tissue when it passes, if at home.
The things you've posed here, I will certainly raise at my appt next week where we will discuss management. I know I will rise to fight again but just need a little tlc time xxx
You're most welcome. It's a really hard time and you just don't know until you know, how hard it is emotionally and what it involves physically. No one teaches this stuff, it's what you actually need to know, although I'm not quite sure what would be the right forum.
I hope your discussion goes well and, if it's helpful, our EPU took us through options for the tissue, even after testing -which included their standard processing of tissue and us collecting for burial etc at home and whether we wanted any religious ceremonies. Of course, at home, you have to really process and think through all that yourself.
If there's anything you want to ask, I'll do my best to answer.xx
I’m so sorry to read this, thinking of you xx I had an anembryonic pregnancy discovered at the same stage (7 weeks) and it’s totally heart breaking 💔 I kept the positive pregnancy tests for a while until I was ready to say goodbye, give yourself time and kindness to heal. You are strong and resilient and this little miracle proves it can happen. One way or another it can still happen, don’t lose hope 🙏 thinking of you xx
Hello lovely Joey. I was so very sad to see this post. I have thought of you often and have been wishing, as I'm sure we all have on here, that this would be your moment. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say I can tell even by how thoughtfully you write your posts and the kind way you respond to others that you would be an absolutely amazing mother, and it just really sucks that you have met with so much heartache and pain trying to become one. You absolutely don't deserve all the terrible luck you've had so far. I really hope the stars align for you soon. Sending hugs. xxx
Aw you sweetheart. You made me cry! I WILL definitely be a great mum someday. I honestly don't know what my husband and I have done to deserve this hell we have been in. We are good people, fit, healthy, don't smoke, just a few too many espresso martinis but sure no one is perfect.
Pain is my constant companion, i can't remember life without sadness and grief now. I really hope the stars align too cause I just want to be happy x
I'm so so sorry love. This is unbearable, and it sucks that we have to build up such resilience to this stuff.
This is one of those times you can't avoid - you can't go over it or around it, you just have to go through it. Things will feel better again soon, they really will, and when that cloud lifts you'll be able to start moving forward again, step by step. And your journey isn't over if you don't want it to be. You got pregnant - so there is always hope xxx
That's exactly it, i just want to wake up and it's all over but I have to face it. You ladies are such a support I don't feel alone and thank goodness my husband is an angel. Unfortunately we lost our precious cat 6 weeks ago and he was my ultimate support system so that has compounded the grief. I just need a break x
I'm sorry to read this. I'm the same age as you, been trying for nearly 4 years now. After 2 naturally conceived miscarriages my advice would be to do ivf and only transfer euploid embryo. It's no guarantee but gives you much better chances of success and protect from heart break . At our age things are much more difficult I'm afraid. Sending a bear hug x
Most definitely. I'd kind of made peace with moving to donor but this has thrown me a bit now as obviously eggs still in there. Having said that, the chance of a healthy one is so low so do I do it to myself or move on?? Ivf is never a straight path, always a spanner in the works.
Hi Joey, I’m really sorry for your loss. I had four miscarriages from natural pregnancies so I know the pain and heartache you are going through. I had surgeries and natural as well. With the latter from start to finish it has taken almost a month - mentally it was the absolute worst and I had to have a uterine stretch at the end because not all tissue has come out ( they can take a sample then). Not everyone is as unlucky but something to consider as it has made me feel like I can’t move on. It has such a bad impact on me mentally that I have opted for surgeries after this one. As people before have said both have their advantages and disadvantages . I know how difficult your situation is, I’m sending you lots of strength and love xxxx
Omg you poor thing. You have the heart of a lion. I'm so sorry for your suffering. One is enough for anyone! Thank you for the advice. I think I've ruled out medical, so either natural or surgical. I will speak to Dr next week and weigh it up. I have to wait for one more final final scan to confirm it all. Total torture as I am staying on the meds till then too
Good luck with everything. A lot of people get on a lot better than me. Please don't take my experience as a given. Just prepare for anything and hope for the best xx
Oh Joey, I’m so so sorry to read this. I had everything crossed for you that this was your miracle. I haven’t got any practical advice - other than to make sure you look after each other. Sending lots of love ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you my love. Gratefully ivf brought my husband and I alot ccloser over the years so we are good and very good at reading each other and comforting. Xxx
I’m so glad that you have each other for support and know you’ll both be amazing parents one day ❤️ thank you for your well-wishes, I have everything crossed that you will have your miracle too. X
I’m so sorry for what has happened and what you are going through. I lost a baby, natural pregnancy last year at 43 , no heartbeat at the 7 week scan, it’s so painful then having to make decisions on how to manage it is cruel.
In my opionion for what it’s worth, avoid the medical/mistropol, I had to take it twice as first time a small bit of tissue was left behind. Both times were absolutely horrendously painful and the ‘contractions’ went on for hours and hours at home , the worst. It all went on for months and in the end I had to have private surgery to remove retained placenta, months of despair sorting it out.
A little bit of hope, I’m 44 now, and 12 weeks tomorrow with my 5 ivf and 6th transfer, a long long way from a happy ending but preying this could be the one time my heart doesn’t get broken.
It’s clear you are super super strong, I wish I had your strength, it’s good to read that you aren’t giving up, if your heart and instincts are telling you to keep going then I truly believe we can all get there. I know last year, I really thought I couldn’t do one more treatment but just pushed on.
Wishing you so much strength to get through this sad time and sending lots of love and hugs. Please reach out if you ever want to chat. Thinking of you.xxx❤️
Oh congratulations, that's so heartening to hear. Yes I'd had a convo with my Dr before I fell pregnant and we'd pretty much settled on moving to donor after so much failure. But this little surprise pregnancy makes me wonder if I've got one more own egg round in me cause eggs in there, just need the right one. But then I think wise up woman, you've had literally no luck with OE in 7-8 years, you've suffered enough, give yourself a better chance. Dunno, need to think on it for a couple weeks. Xxx
So sorry for your previous losses as well. What a shitty club we belong to at times. But we are all so blessed to have each other x
I totally hear you, I agonized about one more go with own eggs, because of the natural pregnancy’s I had inbetween ivfs I just had a sense that I must try one more time. I see a trauma counsellor every week and she helped me work through the Doner option and really consider what it would mean to go through another own egg cycle with such a small chance of working, but my instincts told me whilst I still had a fair amount of follicles I had to try again annd be able to live with myself that I did all I can. Everyone is different but I hope you can follow your heart and your gut. It helped that my clinic in Cyprus truly beloved in another cycle and my co-ordinator just kept telling me you just need the Golden Egg. Your body is trying so hard so that is a positive. I’m rooting for you and all of us here on this journey. It’s a shitty club as you say but we have strength in each other and none of us is alone in this. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Oh thanks for the perspective. I am thinking I might (after my final final scan next week and get off all these pointless meds) that I might try naturally for just a couple of weeks and then surgical. I just want it over and want to try again. Just a little worried about scarring as obviously I'm wanting to make sure I've the best environment possible xx
I’m so, so sorry to hear this. My heart truly aches for you. It’s just not fair after all you’ve been through to get to this point, and it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling heartbroken right now.
Please be kind to yourself as you go through this. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling—whether it’s anger, sadness, or anything in between. You’ve shown so much strength already, and it’s okay to lean on that strength but also to let yourself grieve.
For next steps, it’s such a personal decision, and I know how much you want to keep moving forward. Whatever you choose, make sure it’s what feels right for you, and know that it’s okay to take the time you need to heal and gather your strength.
Hi I'm so sorry for your loss its absolutely heartbreaking! My story is identical to yours I had a missed miscarriage at 7 weeks 3 days, but baby was always 8 days behind, it was the worse day of our life's and it was hard to get over, still is as it only happened in May, but you do get stronger, my suggestion would be to just go again when your ready, we've decided we needed to take a long break so not starting our second cycle until January but that's the choice we made ourselves, just give yourself time to process all the emotions that come with it, I in the end decided to take the pill to kick of the miscarriage and luckily it worked but I know for some woman dc procedure is the only way, so just weigh up your options, again I'm so sorry it really does feel like you've had your dream ripped away from you after so long of trying! Try to remain positive, sending baby dust to you on your next try ❤️ xx
Hey Joey.I'm so so sorry you are going through this its such a shitty thing.
From my own journey surgical management in 2017 caused all of my Fertility issues.
I did start the process doing medical. Which I will never ever ever recommend to anyone. It was horrendous. Not everything came away and 4 weeks later I was rushed into hospital for surgical management as had retained tissue.
I would do everything to do it as naturally as possible. The downside is the time this takes I had a miscarriage in Feb and it took 3 months to begin the ivf process again.
Despite the fact surgical caused my issues (womb full of scarring and adhesions so bad it was split into 3 cavitys by them) I would recommend surgery over medical. And would choose this for myself if I had to. I know I was unlucky with my surgery.
You sound like you are well into getting through this process mentally. And if like me you need a goal to focus on let your next round of ivf be it.
I'm 46 and now 10.5 weeks with what I hope is my happy ending. Using a DE.
Hi Joey, saddened by your news re. your miscarriage. Keep going, and try naturally as well...so many women on here end up pregnant after or in-between IVF.
Stay positive, I know how you feel...but let this be a chance for you to continue trying naturally...your body can do this xx
I’m so sorry to read this I know all too well how you’re feeling right now. Three years ago, age 39, I conceived naturally during stims for my very first IVF cycle!! I thought what the hell is happening and why now, after having tried for years with no BFP. I thought maybe it’s a sign I shouldn’t do ivf, but then I lost the baby at the 10-week mark, it was awful. So I couldn’t just scroll past your post, I know how you feel.
I naturally miscarried about two weeks later so would recommend waiting it out initially and taking it easy. Thinking of you and here if you if you need to chat or have any questions. This too shall pass xxx
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I know all too well how you’re feeling right now. Three years ago, age 39, I conceived naturally during stims for my very first IVF cycle!! I thought what the hell is happening and why now, after having tried for years with no BFP. I thought maybe it’s a sign I shouldn’t do ivf, but then I lost the baby at the 10-week mark, it was awful. So I couldn’t just scroll past your post, I know how you feel.
NHS IVF after success
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