IVF and loneliness

[Hayo111]

Hi there,

I’m 37 and have been TTC for 2 years. My husband and I have recently been referred for IVF and our cycle is due to start this month.

I’m already finding the process very emotionally draining and stressful. One of my biggest struggles is the feeling of loneliness and that no one around me sees things as I do. I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive but I think perhaps underestimates the physical and emotional impact that IVF is likely to have on me. None of my friends are in a similar situation and I’ve had comments from friends that ‘starting IVF is exciting’ when I couldn’t feel any further from excited and actually feel petrified about what lies ahead and the prospect of never being a mum.

Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with this?

Thanks so much x

[Millbanks]

Ugh I totally get that - so many of my friends and family said the same "so exciting starting IVF". I couldn't have felt further from excited - and it pissed me off a bit that people would think that.

In retrospect I don't think people really know what to say, so they see it as "exciting" because it's a chance to start your family and crack on with things....

I was so worried about doing the injections / blood tests / sedations / procedures that I ended up needing - I absolutely hate needles and it made my palms sweaty thinking about it but you do get used to it super quickly - and by the end I was really proud of all that I'd been through.

It can feel lonely - no matter how close you are to someone, they can't really understand what you are going through. Its just the way it is - and sometimes I hated talking to my friends about it because they'd say things like "when is your next implantation" and my heckles would rise because I would be thinking, "no, it's a transfer, if it was an implantation I would be pregnant". I would be annoyed because they got the terminology wrong - unfair of me but it felt to me like they weren't really understanding what I was going through.

This forum was (and still is) and absolute godsend. I've made real friends through here and some that I'll probably never meet but have given me so much support and advice - so please always reach out on here when you need to. If you have a question, guaranteed that someone will have experienced it already.

And take things one step at a time - it's so easy to want to rush through everything but be prepared for delays and set backs - try not to set your bar really high for things like numbers of eggs or blastocysts - I fell in to that trap and realistically my numbers were great for my age.

Lastly I would try to include your husband in it as much as possible. If you can, get him to do your injections for you - get him to set reminders for your meds, get him to come to consults or scans or transfers if you can - he will feel out of the loop too and won't quite know how best to support you. Tell him when the meds are making you feel crazy - let him understand what is going on.

Sending you lots of love and a big hug - you've got this xx

[Hayo111 in reply to Millbanks]

Thank you for such a thoughtful and understanding message - just knowing you’re not alone is half the battle. You could be reading my mind when it comes to people getting the terminology wrong - so true but I’m trying not to be hard on people who just don’t understand. xxx

[Millbanks in reply to Hayo111]

I think it's like most life experiences, you can't really understand until you've been through it yourself.

I lost my dad a while back and an old school friend reached out to me with a lovely message, and she'd lost her dad a year before - I'd thought about messaging her when it happened but never got round to it. Now I know exactly why she did because when you've experienced something you know how much it means to others to share that support.

So although your friends will try to understand (hopefully) you also need to try to be patient with them and remember that they don't really know what you're going through. My mum always refers to IVF as "my situation" hahaha - I think she feels awkward talking about it!

xx

[Nabsal in reply to Millbanks]

Totally agree with you !

[Christianbaby in reply to Millbanks]

This was spot on, and a beautiful message.

[Keggles36]

I got so sick of the "oooh ivf how exciting". I actually got to the point of just sending the nhs page with the step by step of what happens, and the chance of success to anyone who says that. One well meaning friend actually said: "we were the only couple not to have IVF at my NCT group so it must have a great success rate" i had to literally spell out that of course it had worked for the people at that class, you have to be pregnant to be there. Ugh.

This isn't helpful, but you're not alone. If you ever need to chat I'm happy to do that, we've just been through our first round and i was terrified. It wasn't great, but it wasn't as bad as i thought if that makes sense. X

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Hayo. Sadly, having fertility treatment can be a lonely place to be. Rveyones experience is slightly different. Even talking to each other can be challenging. Do yo have a close friend or relative you can confide in, which might help. Have a look at our website st the Support pages ans see if there are ant groups you might fancy joining. Have a look at the bottom right hand corner of the Home Page to see what’s going on with wetc. accept any counselling offered. There is an excellent charity called the British Infertility Counselling Association who deal just with all fertility matters and relationships while going through treatment. There is a charge, but it’s not excessive, so have a look. bica.net hope all goes well. Diane

[Ukulele_unicorn36]

I understand. I have really felt lonely at points of this journey. I hate when friends have said “it’s so exciting!” because all I feel sometimes is fear, especially when medication has made me feel unlike myself and slightly out of control already. I too have an amazing partner, but sometimes I felt like I’m doing this on my own because it’s not happening to his body but all to mine and I can forget sometimes that it’s his journey too, albeit in a different way.

When I’ve felt on my own, I found listening to podcasts (Big fat Negative was a good one because it’s genuinely funny) and also fertility warriors. Sometimes podcasts are good instead of social media because you are not constantly thinking of yourself but listening to others and empathising with them and relating to their stories. My clinic also offers counselling, which I have found really useful - just having someone else to talk to.

I have felt really on my own at times; friends can move on in life, but you are stuck in yours. There are people in this with you and you are not alone 💖

[MrsOrangejuice]

Bar this forum, we didn't tell anyone about our fertility issues let alone all the IVF we went through, and I only talked about the losses because one was especially difficult and I couldn't hide it. I didn't want any pressure, or for anyone to feel sorry for me. That was the right thing for me but then most people do share and have a good support network, and even if other people don't understand (and make some pretty unhelpful assumptions and comments) at least there is that feeling that people have got your back and want the best for you. So that's a start in itself. But it is a very personal thing to go through, and I felt like my OH didn't really get it - he found it 'exciting' but wasn't the one having the investigations and drugs, the feeling that it's all on you and your body that's failing. Even not telling people I've had comments like oh if you want kids you can always 'just' try IVF, and people have a perception from the media that IVF is the easy route and guaranteed to work - you'll have triplets! Unless you go through it's difficult to understand and everyone means well, they just don't know what to say to make you feel better - I guess if they reacted like oh god, how terrible, you must be terrified, that wouldn't be too helpful either so they go with something that sounds postive and reassuring. If you can change the way you think about it though, and make little adjustments to the voice in your head, it can make a big difference to you (ignore anyone else). When you have your baby all this fades, it's just something that's very hard to live through. Counselling is good and your clinic should offer that. Use this forum as much as you can and want to, we all understand and you are alone x

[Running-anywhere]

Hi Hayo, I’m sorry I have nothing to say that’s helpful, only that you are not alone and I’m so very sorry this is happening to you.

I will be starting IVF in the next couple of months, and feel absolutely terrified. I’m already an emotional mess so no idea how I will be able to cope. I’ve given up trying to get friends to understand - ive had too many of those unhelpful comments now. ‘You need to stay positive’… ‘good news you can do IVF’.. ‘your baby is on the way’.

I did join one of the group sessions through the network, and I found that very comforting at the time, finally being able to speak to people that understand. I’ve found it’s good to keep trying different support mechanisms, like counciling, so you can call on that when you need it.

Sending strength and hope to you.

[WillowPark]

Hi Hayo111, there are already some really lovely responses on here but I just wanted to add. Your message really resonated with me and reflected how I felt just over a year ago before our first cycle. It isn't exciting. It is lonely. It is difficult. It is emotionally draining and physically exhausting. And we already feel broken, let down and sad before it even starts. But you will be fine if you take it step by step, and you will feel less lonely already having found this place with so many people who get it so completely. (Thanks ladies!) And hopefully at some point you can start to feel excited about the future again. I would also recommend the counselling if you can. The drugs aren't helpful if you are feeling low or dealing with a trigger and counselling is a safe space to work through everything and figure out how to feel more positive. Best of luck and keep us updated!