I know this can be a fairly common pattern to turn to food when things aren't going well in life. But with infertility the massive guilt emerges that I'm making it worse for myself.
Since I found out last week that my pregnancy was not viable I have just been eating quite badly. Chocolate / treats every day. Coffee every day. Some ready meals.
Just eating what I feel like when I feel like it and not being careful about my choices at all. I'm still in a horrible limbo because of strange HCG results so until this is resolved I know I'm just going to be really stressed and utterly sad / frustrated. Nice treats I guess just give me a very temporary gratification.
Firstly is this really bad / have others done this with indulging? Do I need to reign it back now, how? I feel guilt on one hand but then I think I've been careful with my diet for years and still no live baby so is it actually helping me being good anyway?!
Any ideas of what other coping mechanisms can I use?
X x
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Skittles11
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Please please don't beat yourself up about treating yourself right now. You absolutely deserve it and it won't make any difference. It's so important to look after your mental health right now and if treats / coffee make you feel better then go ahead.
I followed a super strict diet for so long during IVF and before my 6th transfer I had just lost the will. I ate loads of sugar and drank wine between cycles - I was sick to death of looking after myself - and it was our 6th one that worked. It might be different if you are planning more egg collections but I think if you already have frosties then it can't make that much difference.
But even if you are planning another egg collection - a couple of weeks of sugar and coffee aren't going to change much.
Thanks Millbanks I'm not planning another egg collection and sadly I have no frosties left either, this is one of the reasons I am really struggling as my last own egg embryo has implanted but is not viable and I now need to move to donor to help increase my chances. But also I am waiting for closure on my unviable pregnancy as the professionals are concerned about its location. Thank you for the reassurance I appreciate it a lot x x
Oh Skittles I'm basically in tears reading this post becasue you should absolutely not be worrying (or even thinking) about your diet right now, not for a second, and it's so heartbreaking that you're feeling under pressure from anything like that and still trying to do the 'right' thing. There isn't a right thing or a wrong thing at this time. Please if anything gives you comfort - especially such innocent things like chocolate and coffee! - just run with it. I'm not sure I had any copying mechanisms really, well, aside from denial (which is nowhere near as effective as chocolate btw and far more damaging for your mental health in the long run). Focus on getting through this as best you can, and then recovery, which can also take time. After that you will have time to gather yourself and get back on whatever track makes you feel best about yourself and most prepared for next steps x
Thank you Fruitandflowers , I will try and take this very on point advice. I'm just so used to being in a pattern of considering what I eat that when I'm suddenly indulging in everything I feel a sense of guilt. I know I shouldn't because I needn't think of it at the moment, I just need to get past this current hurdle x x
Hello Skittles11 i am truly sorry for what you're going through! Please dont be too hard on yourself! Eat whatever you feel like- you need this right now! If eating chocolate or sweets makes you feel better, go for it!
Hi Skittles. I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this and have not got your closure yet. I read a post on Pinterest the other day about people associating fertility with some made up version of perfection. This just isn’t the case. When I spoke to my counsellor as I believed “I caused my PCOS”, she said some of the most fertile women in the world live in war torn countries and famine. As well as this, there are people who drink copious amount of alcohol and use drugs and also get pregnant multiple times. Life is just unfair and crap. You know you’re not the type of person who is going to make your current diet into a permanent a lifestyle choice. However, it’s OK to indulge sometimes because actually, as you say, sometimes we are so strict on ourselves and beat ourselves up over thinking we’ve created the perfect climate and we still can’t do it. My friend who has finally been successful swears that IVF is a numbers game. After my loss, my best friend was Uber Eats and I’m not ashamed! That was what I needed at the time. I also didn’t have the energy to cook. I’m a firm believe that moderation is key to everything. Your years of strictness have earned you this hiatus whilst you’re in this sea of uncertainty. Thinking of you ❤️ xxx
Where I am currently I actually need to believe that this is in fact a numbers game and that I will get there eventually. Thank you for sharing. Yes, I think I need to adopt the attitude that I deserve this as it is what I need right now to look after myself x x
I’m so sorry you’re going through this situation, I can only imagine how anxious you are. In these situations I think you need to make yourself comfortable and do what you need to do to get by.
I go through phases too - when I have a knock I comfort eat and have way too much sugar and chocolate (although probably not all that much, I just feel worse about it given we’re made hyper conscious of what we eat when trying to have a baby!)… then I gain a bit of strength and positivity and making a plan to eat healthily feels good as it gives me a sense of control again … then of course my plan gets derailed and I end up eating badly again!
It’s not you. It’s totally normal. And I think a bit of less healthy food for a few weeks really isn’t that bad - you’re not exactly injecting class A drugs into your body! Take care x
Thank you for normalising it. Yes I think you are totally right about the sense of control in what we eat. I think, like you have described, once I re-gain a bit of strength and positivity I will feel more inclined to make a plan and that would include a few healthier bits than my current routine. X x
I’m doing the exact same and have been since my last pregnancy loss. Please don’t beat yourself up, it’s totally normal to resort to food when we feel down.
I agree with Millbanks that you’ll probably need to reign it in a month before your next transfer, whenever that may be.
I’d also say that if you’re feeling guilty because of weight gain (which is how I’m feeling now) you have all the time in the world to lose it when you feel up to it.
I’m sorry your current situation is unclear at the moment. Keeping everything crossed that it all passes very quickly for you xxx
Ahh thank you for sharing that you are doing the same. This helps me to feel it's not just me and is a "normal" reaction. I have put on a lot of weight these last few years, then I lose a bit between cycles, but never all of it then I re start a cycle - so my weight is constantly climbing! It's a mixture of the drugs and the long term sadness I think. I did join the gym in December so once this current issue is over I'll be able to do some stuff there which I think will help me feel a bit better x x
It really is totally normal. I usually have good self control but sometimes you just lose it all. I also just did some blood tests and found out my blood sugar levels climbed, which isn’t great 🤦🏻♀️ but like you, I have a plan to get more active now that the weather has improved too.
Focus on things that make you happy at the moment because you really deserve this. And as you say you can always go back to the gym once you get through the current situation xxx
honestly, go for it. You have been through soo much. Let your body have what it wants for a while. I did after my failed rounds. We put so much preassure on ourselves I hope your ok xxx
Thank you Boo718 for your support. I'm doing okay in the circumstances, the wait is just horrible though, just a horrible limbo and I think that eating indulgant food is actually also just a way to pass time! Hope you're doing okay x x
During my miscarriages and failed cycles I ate like a saint and took vitamins worth £££. The cycle where I said “screw it” and drank wine and ate chips, it worked.
We obsess over food because it’s the only thing we can control in this traumatic process, but it won’t make any difference.
Eat, binge, treat yourself - my god you deserve it. Give your body and break and indulge where you can x
I hope you are right, I'm currently finding it soooo hard to keep the hope. Maybe once this hurdle is over I will be able to find more renewed hope once again x x
It is so so hard, but I have two friends who had multiple and many losses over many years and now have beautiful daughters thanks to the kindness of a donor. It will happen. I promise you. X
I know an obese person who got pregnant at 40 and wasn’t even trying to conceive. Whilst we’re all hyper aware of what we should and should not be doing most people are just doing what the hell they like and still fall pregnant so I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. I had an incredible almond and chocolate croissant for breakfast with extra chocolate sauce and I quite frankly couldn’t care less today. I know I will reign it in eventually but sometimes you just have to let loose a bit, as long as you don’t permanently do it it’s fine and even if you do permanently do it you wouldn’t be the first person to fall pregnant whilst also chowing down on all they can eat. Sending love xxxx
I'm sorry to hear about your pregnancy not being viable, the whole process is so difficult. I'm going through something similar. Sat here with a chocolate at 11pm comfort eating. Finding an ounce of joy in this miserable time. I think what did eating organic, cutting toxins get me? A failed IVF Cycle. 5k down .
I am so sorry you are currently facing something similar. How are you coping? That's exactly how I feel - just finding an ounce of joy in such a difficult time is so difficult and the little treats enable me to have that albeit for just a few seconds. X x
I thought I'd be crying alot but I'm just feeling a bit numb but more angry. I was told my consultant was going to arrange a phone consultation with me. But I've heard nothing. But when I was interested in surgery and also IVF (private) he used to reply to me straight away. So I'm sat here thinking is it just a business for them. 😔
I think sometimes this outcome can make us go quite numb. That has been my experience for sure. It is quite upsetting when we don't get input from our clinics when we really need it, it leaves you feeling they don't care x x
oh skittles I’m so so sorry to hear your hard times are still continuing. I hope you get some good news soon. But in the mean time I 100% think do what makes you feel some what better. Some chocolate treats are not bad for you I’m sure! Sending you so much strength. You have been on quite the journey, which I can relate to and it’s just bloody hard going at times. You deserve a break, and I hope it’s coming your way ♥️
Thank you Booda21 reading through your history reminds me there are other people who are so strong and resilient and make me strive to stay strong with you. I hope better days are coming our way too x x
don’t feel one bit guilty, in fact you should be proud of yourself you are allowing yourself some nice things in a time when you really really need them. I would encourage you to even do it more. Treat yourself every single day right now and do not for one second worry about the ‘long term’ some treats over the next few weeks and months will do absolutely no long term physical harm whatsoever and will do lots of short term good for your mental health. It is exactly what you need right now l. I am VERY sceptical about all the hype about diet etc affecting our chances anyways as it has been the complete opposite for me and the harder I try with diet and supplements the worse it is! But if even if there were a solid link it’s absolutely not something to worry about right now whatsoever and those treats should be embraced. Thinking of you 💜 xx
Twiglet2 you always know the right things to say, thank you. Especially the bit where you say you would encourage me to do it even more, it is hard to put a smile on my face right now but that sentence did it. It has also seemed to make no difference to me no matter how good I have been. I had the best diet ever on my first IVF and got no eggs. Subsequent cycles I was still quite good and have had totally mixed results. I think I am very prone to reflecting and feelings of guilt though so these comments have been really helpful x x
First of all, I’m really sorry to read about the outcome of your most recent transfer skittles. What a tough way to end your OE journey, how are you feeling? Please don’t beat yourself up about diet, I was drinking red wine & eating tiramisu the night before my lucky transfer (DE) so it wasn’t something that helped me. That said, I understand why you feel the way you do - ivf is so out of our control, we start to fixate on things within our control - like diet. I know I did in the early stages. But the most important thing is that you look after you. If you need some chocolate & a glass of wine to get through this tough time, then so be it. Xxxx
Hello Krystal_43 I hope things for you are going well. Yes, it's been a really tough end to my own egg journey, I am sometimes not sure if it's sunk in yet - probably because I'm still in a kind of limbo not having any closure right now. Physically I am feeling okay but mentally exhausted and also do feel my emotions have got "stuck" if that makes sense. It's like I can't cry anymore. I have found everyone's comments here super useful and supportive though in allowing myself to give myself permission with the food and treats x x
Hi Skittles, as someone who also turns to food when stressed, I'd say don't be too hard on yourself. You're going through a trauma and need to take one day at a time. I have the same thoughts but there were times when I ate really well and was a lot younger and had no baby then either. Do what you need to do to survive this and then perhaps think about eating more varied foods once you're ready to try again. Sending big hugs 🤗 xxx
don’t beat yourself up. I am same, instead of eating one slice of cake. I’ll have 2. IVF is a terrible journey of emotions and we are so good in preparing ourselves for the procedure because that’s the right thing to do, but when it doesn’t work we nose dive and that’s fine but we aren’t actually prepared for it because we so desperately want it to work. I’m nearing the end of my 5 year IVF journey without success and it is only now I am realising the huge mental strain it’s had on me and my life, family etc and actually it’s making me more unhealthy because of the cycle of happiness/unhappiness. P.s. it’s ok not to be ok too.
This is exactly what I am doing. Instead of one treat, I'll have two. And definitely I am following that pattern where the bad news has caused me to nose dive. I am sorry to see that you have had a long journey and you are now getting to the end of it and without having success. That is a really difficult pill to swallow. The mental strain is enormous and not to be underestimated. I think the whole journey has changed me as a person in many ways. I'm wishing you well on whatever path you next take x x
Morning, I am really sorry that you are going through this. But please don’t beat yourself up and torture yourself. Being in limbo is an awful position to be in. So take some time, cry if you need to and don’t feel bad about treating yourself, particularly if these little treats are helping you manage, feel slightly better or just getting you through the day.
Thank you MiniMe23 I appreciate you commenting. It's the limbo I am finding the absolute worst. I wish I could cry but I think the emotion has got stuck. X x
I'm so sorry to see your very upsetting latest update about your non-viable pregnancy and that your eating habits recently are compounding the heartache you are experiencing.
I just wanted to say I've personally found the guilt I feel for eating what I want when I want tends to be more of a problem than the food itself. I've noticed when I eat something I fancy and allow myself to enjoy it and don't feel I have to have "earned" it, it becomes just a pleasant footnote in my day. Conversely, when I feel guilty about my food choices, that drives me to want to eat even more "treat food" as a way of squashing unwanted emotions. It can become a bit of a vicious cycle.
A long way of saying, I think you'll find if you can release the guilt about your food choices and pressure to eat "right" (hard, I know!) and just allow yourself to eat instinctively, you might find you end up with a pretty balanced diet anyway!
Thanks Redsequin and I hope you are doing well. You are so right in what you say, I am totally exhausted and heartbroken and turning to nice treats a bit but it's probably not even as "bad" as I feel it is if that makes sense x x
I am so sorry your last transfer with own eggs has ended this way. IVF is an unforgiving gruelling journey at times. I grieved and drank wine, had fried food and loads of chocolates when my last transfer with OE failed. Its the end of a chapter, but not your story. Take care of yourself while you're in limbo and give yourself the freedom to do whatever helps to get you through. ❤️
I am so sorry to hear you are on this awful journey and your current outcome is not what you hoped for - life can be so cruel to us 💔
I have walked a mile in your shoes (currently 10 years in and approx. £50k down) so have a lot of empathy for how you may be feeling. I usually cope with failed cycles by drinking lots of wine and eating rubbish and to be honest, I don’t feel guilty as it’s a wasted emotion when there is so much trauma I’m already experiencing. Particularly during the times I’ve been in limbo waiting for a un-viable pregnancy to be resolved. So I echo everything everyone else has said about doing whatever you need to do to get through the situation, be kind to yourself, treat yourself, indulge in anything that will help you in that moment to help you get through each day.
I would also recommend looking up Bettina Rae on YouTube, she does easy yoga sessions and meditations and has had personal experience of trauma and loss. Her sessions have greatly helped me re-set my mind and re-gain hope after failed cycles and put me on a more positive path to help me feel ready to go again. Feel free to DM me if you wanna chat. Sending love, hope & a big hug 💖 x
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