So after the second round of private IVF (2 egg collections & 1 embryo transfer) it’s not been successful. Both myself & boyfriend don’t have much finance left, used majority of savings & low paid jobs.
The clinic we are using is small but personnel. I’m 43, will be 44 this year. My partner, he is not keen to use donor eggs with his sperm. He’s against the idea of using donor eggs but been told will increase chances from 5% to 60/70% using DE. I’ve got my head round this as I really want a baby. We’re informed using DE abroad can be up to age 54 in most countries. I don’t want to wait till 54 or even 50, I’m sure it’s fine for some people but would rather sooner than later. Sorry to ramble on, I was advised for him to speak to a counsellor as he says he’s closed to idea of DE. We only had our bad news recently. I don’t want to loose him as I love him a lot & bern together for years, at the same time, he keeps on saying he wants it with my eggs but if we try another cycle (third) or even fourth, it will cost thousands again & it’s a gamble right? Yes, it’s good to try but we need to be realistic on chances which are low.
Anyone in my situation, woman 43/44 and tried couple of times with own eggs (IVF), also naturally but nothing yet? What would you do when your partner is so against using DE but you still love him a lot & don’t really want to have a baby on your own? Do men need a lot more time, months or several months to realise trying naturally might not work, we could try another 1 IVF cycle (bear in mind finances are low) might not work then what next?
I’m really stressed & anxious so anyone had similar situations or know people in this situation, please kindly let me know your thoughts on this? Thank you ☺️
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Michaela2021
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I'm 44. My partner was very against donor eggs and wouldn't even discuss it. After months of failed cycles with own eggs he has come around. He thought it wouldn't be our child at first, but I emphasised it would be his sperm and me carrying and giving birth. He was also persuaded by cheaper costs abroad and ability to select gender in north Cyprus. Hope you get through this together. I think counselling might help but wasn't for us🙏 x
hi, thanks for replying back. So my situation is we tried twice IVF with IVSI & I paid for everything because he didn’t have enough savings, very little so I paid but now my savings has gone down dramatically & only have some left (life savings) we both have low paid jobs, I’m only working part time due to stress & anxious. Based in London so just so expensive, our clinic is less than most but just all too expensive.
I’m 43, soon to be 44 but still feel young. He has 2 teenage children from ex wife but they live with their mum (he is now 45 & had his kids 27/28) I’ve been with him many years, not married but live together. I love him a lot & feel he loves me but after our consultation with doctor last week, he said he can’t go ahead with DE & needs to me my eggs. He said if I want to go ahead with DE, I have to do the journey myself with sperm but not his as he can’t imagine bringing up a child who isn’t genetically connected to me, he can be stubborn. I want to have a family together, after 9 years & at nearly 44, it’s not like I’m ready to just go find another man to have a baby with, I can’t just develop feelings for someone quickly & it’s harder when older. Some women can go from one relationship to another, I just can’t. I’ve only had 2 serious relationships in my life.
Our clinic recommended a clinic in Spain (anonymous so yeah, like Cyprus can’t find biological mother) like you, I would feel no different to be a mum - biological or not.
If you don’t mind me asking you, how many cycles did you do with your partner with own eggs? We did one NHS end of 2021, tried naturally last year 2022 & then 2 cycles of private recently (2 egg collections & 1 transfer) it’s so much money for me as he would try to contribute but he earns less & has other debts he has to pay so I can’t pressure him with money as he helps me a lot with other finance. We have tried for maybe under 2yrs now. He quit smoking which is good but still likes to have a few beers, he has cut down a lot but still drinks sometimes. He was always open to having more children so I don’t think being scared is an issue otherwise why would he do this 2 year journey with me? He’s taken a lot of supplements, eats better etc and gone out with his male friends much less than before.
Sorry, long story but I’m confused as we will go back to trying naturally but for how long until one thinks, right next steps because of my age. What do you think? The clinic said we can do another cycle with own eggs if I want but that’s another 6.5/7k, a lot for me. First round, I only got 2 eggs, second round I only got 3 eggs so low AMH. Out of 5, only 1 got to blastocyst - grade 2Bb.
It’s a difficult question to someone else but if you were in my shoes, your partner doesn’t change his mind, how long would you wait to talk again to him & try naturally before thinking DE is the only realistic option? 2,3 or 6months bearing in mind my months are ticking? I know women do it on their own with Donor sperm but I would rather do this journey with someone I love than on my own. I love him but I want a baby & family. I didn’t say too much on my post but appreciate your thoughts?
It’s great news, you are finally going through this journey with your partner with DE 👍 I wish you all the success & sure it will go well. 60-70% is very positive & hopeful. North Cyprus, Greece & Spain are the better places to go 👍
48 here, going gbrough IVF with donor egg in Spain (IVI) and husband's sperm. They guarantee at least 2 blastocysts.
Has he said why he does not want to use donor eggs? In Spain, there is complete anonymity and absolutely no way a child will be able to trace the donor, in case that is a worry. They do finance packages too.
Hi Els, thank you for replying back & happy it’s working out for you & your husband with DE 👍 I wish you the best of luck 🙏 so, I’ve been with my partner for several years but only tried properly naturally when I was 41 & 43 now…..nearly 44 next month. I feel the clock ticking. We had a consultation follow up after the failed cycle early this week & the doctor suggested DE route is a much higher success but if we want to, can try one more cycle with my eggs - another big payout with only 5/10% chance.
So, issue is partner has 2 teenage kids from an ex wife, they live with their mum so he only sees them not a lot. He had them naturally but he was 27/28yrs & now he’s 45. Well, men can have kids mid 60s but the point is he said to me that he can’t imagine bringing up another woman’s child even with his sperm. He wants my eggs as he said he loves me & psychologically he said I won’t be genetically related which I know so he finds it strange. I told him not to worry about genetics as I would be the mummy & give birth so shouldn’t be an issue. The baby would be in my blood for months, adopt characteristics from me etc but he said “discussion closed”. So after 2 cycles of IVF, it’s too expensive just to keep on doing trial & error….some women have cycle after cycle - 5/6/8 and can spend thousands & be in a lot of debt. Please bear in mind - I’ve been paying for all of it as he doesn’t have savings/hardly much and I saved before but now going down hill with finances as both low paid jobs so hard. He would help financially if he could but can’t with IVF.
So, that’s his reasoning - stuck with my eggs IVF or natural trying but could take forever or not happen at all, so not sure how long to wait to talk again or see if he can speak to a councillor? He’s away in August for 3 weeks to visit family abroad. I’ll be 44 next month but don’t want another full year to go by.
Did your husband agree straightaway to DE? If you don’t mind me asking, did you try with your own eggs previously naturally or IVF as it’s really tough? Our clinic said they have the DE program in Spain so was told anonymous which is good 👍 I love my partner a lot as 9+years is a long time for me with a man. I don’t want to loose him and same time, I want a baby, our baby so I can have my own family but he’s fixated on “my eggs”. I could do another cycle with own eggs but finance is getting low and I’m paying for all and he’s acting like he’s paying but other way round.
Sorry, long story but feeling frustrated. Do you think this is a genuine reaction response from a man why not to use DE? I just need him to eventually be more open to idea if my eggs don’t work. Would be good to know your thoughts on this, thank you 🙏
Husband was the one to suggest DE. He doesn't see it as another woman's eggs, he sees it as I would be the mother. Had two natural pregnancies at 46, one to 15 +3, the other to 10 weeks. No anomalies with number 1, number 2 was too early to identify. Just needdx some assistance as egg reserve getting low and needed to balance naturally trying but me getting older vs assisted where at least some control over the process. However, only doing this next round and if doesn't work then will look into fostering or adoption.
My husband is fully open to counselling, but we don't feel either of us needs it yet as we are quite a strong team in agreement with what we will/won't do.
This was in response to a post about anonymous donors (suggesting that anonymity meant no way for the child to trace their donor) which I think has now been deleted, but here it is anyway....
I think it's not necessarily true that there's no possibility of them tracing their donor - it's not as black and white as that. There are many ways that anonymous donors can be found, websites such as Donor Sibling Registry and also various Facebook groups set up under the reference number of the donor, where both donors and donor conceived children can connect. There's also the huge popularity of home DNA test kits from 23&me and Ancestry.com. Even if the donor hasn't done one, it only takes one of their cousins or distant relatives to do one and the search is suddenly narrowed right down.
Personally I have used an anonymous egg donor but I would have used an ID donor if it was legal where I did IVF (Cape town). But, I feel confident that if my baby wishes to trace her routes that she would be able to given the information I know about the donor and the above options, which is why I did feel comfortable going this route.
Everything I have learned about donor conceived children indicates that it is extremely important that they are given every opportunity to know where they came from. It might not be the parents wish that they can trace their donor but it is extremely likely that it will be the child's wish, and the child's rights and wishes are the priority (in my opinion).
In response to the original question - I'm 44, I did multiple rounds with my own eggs before switching to donor eggs. I asked the clinic to estimate chance of success with own eggs and they said less than 10 percent per round, and for me I just didn't want to spend years or have the finances to pursue that, with slim chances of success.
I was lucky enough to get pregnant in the first round using donor eggs and now have a beautiful little 12 week old girl X
I was told exactly the same thing by my clinic here in uk after dreadful results so we went to Cyprus to do a tandem cycle. Then I did another ivf cycle with my own eggs as I just felt a little uneasy about using the donor embryos (my partner I know wasn’t over the moon about it either but I’m lucky he was just willing to go ahead as I was so desperate) and it worked! I appreciate the financial side is tough but it is so much cheaper over there. My clinic also gave me a list of supplements to take that have a link to egg health, don’t know if they helped or not but they obviously didn’t harm as I have a 5 month old boy and also a blast on ice!!
hi Kazz, great news to know you have a special little boy after so much heartache. I’m nearly 44 next month. Partner is 45, he has 2 teenage kids from ex wife. Been with him for several years so don’t really want to do this journey by myself. He’s against using DE but I feel he should talk to someone or counsellor before being so closed to idea.
We did 2 rounds of IVF and I’m paying everything as he has no savings or not much so a lot on me financially but I’m desperate to have a child, and I want a family unit. I have low AMH as both 2 cycles, I was only producing 2 & then 3 eggs so not a lot. The 1 blastocyst was 2Bb. Our London clinic said only 5/10% chance per cycle.
With you, apart from supplements as I’m taking a lot of good ones since last year, what did you think made a difference in your Cyprus clinic? What’s a tandem cycle? How long did you have to be in Cyprus for all this, injections, stims, scans over there? Was it a long process as my partner always wants to go for not long abroad as he has to work a lot I’m his job. We both have low paid jobs.
Would you have considered DE? What if your partner rejected that idea after exhaustion, would you do on your own?
I'm 43 and 6 months, never been pregnant, currently going on a second round of own egg collection to bank embryos in Czech Republic due to Finance, so far satisfied with their services overall. I have one euploid embryo + one untested in the freezer. Our new consultant is a renowned IVF specialist and he said an euploid embryo has 50% chance of becoming a baby so we should have a transfer after we've banked the number of euploid embryo = number of children we want x 2. So our plan is to have FET on the next euploid embryo - until then we will keep going. I don't know your AMH and AFC but I'd give it another go! If low AMH, DHEA should help increase egg counts.
We are of course trying naturally in between cycles, but even if we conceive then it's like transferring an untested embryo - more likely to have aneuploidy and miscarry. If it does we'd have lost 3-6 months or more, by that time I'd become 44/45 and the odds will be even smaller.
ED pretty much you can try until 50 in Europe with good success rates so we would only consider if we don't have a baby by the time I'm 45.
I’ve just decided to go down the donor route, our appointment was last week. We’ve had 4 collections, few eggs, and my last round resulted in no transfer. I’ve not long turned 37, so I think I (naively) thought I still had age on my side. My consultant gave me a 5% chance of the next cycle working. I’ve already spent £21k, I wasn’t prepared to spend more on odds like that.
I’d always known DE was an option but never thought I’d be considering it. I’m the other way around to your situation- my partner was fully on board with DE, I had to think it through a bit more. Firstly though, this idea that he’s having a child with ‘another woman’ isn’t right. He’s having a child with you. All I could think about is how a baby will look like a mix of my partner and ‘another woman’, but a baby could look like anything! My sister looks everything like my dad and nothing like my mum and they are her bio parents!
Now we’ve made the decision dare I say it I feel excited. 60% odds is an amazing chance. We’re on holiday at the moment and yesterday we were lying in the sun making jokes about asking if we could pick a donor who doesn’t burn in 5 minutes and doesn’t need to carry a big bag full of pointless stuff everywhere they go!
Of course you can’t force him down this route, but maybe it would help him if he spoke with your clinic? Our next step is the full consultation about how everything works. We’ve already been added to the waiting list for eggs. I’m still full of apprehension but not in a bad way. There’s a really helpful Instagram page (@definingmum) about a lady who has used donor eggs, it might help to take a look.
Either way, I wish you lots of luck with whichever path you take x
hi everyone ,
It’s lovely to hear everyone’s perspective on this.
I’m just 44 , had really good AMH and had 15 and 13 eggs collected with almost all fertilised with a donor sperm in a U.K. clinic back in Dec 22 and April 23.
PGTA on first round came back with two abnormal embryos and second round didn’t test and had one ‘average’ to put back in fresh
None to freeze
Transfer sadly didn’t work and now been advised that eventhough my egg collection and fertilisation numbers were great - that my eggs are ‘too old ‘
I did crazily think that my eggs would be ok because I hadn’t had a proper period for nearly 20 years due to having the Mirina coil to help with endo
And I asked if I should try again one more time
The donations team and nurses have all said it would cause more heartbreak as my eggs aren’t viable
They’ve recommended egg donor and using last straw of donor sperm from Denmark - I’ve looked into staying at current clinic (mainly because they have my paperwork and test results already so would be slightly easier) and they have 40 egg donors in their U.K. bank at the minute
You have to pay to access the basic information on the donors
I have another consultation with donor team next week to answer further questions and I’ve already had three counselling sessions.
I’m still not 100% on using double donors and I do feel a bit of time pressure with being 45 next year and my energy levels aren’t where they used to be haha!
But reading into epigenetics and also Instagram pages like ‘defining mum ‘ & ‘paths to parent hub ‘ have been really useful as someone else said on this thread.
If anyone wants to chat to me it would be good to speak to more women in similar situations
So many lovely supportive connections have already been made using this site and I really appreciate everyone who has spoken to me in the past
And thank you Michaela2021 for posting this and for everyone’s responses which have also helped me
If you ever want to chat Michaela2021 I’m here for you
Hi Dottie, really interested to hear your story as it's similar to mine, I'm a single momma using donor sperm. I'm 45 and have good AMH and had my best round of IVF in Nov when I was 44 with 3 top quality blasts. Sadly 2 didn't implant and the last one failed the thaw two weeks ago so I've very conflicted about going 1 more time or going to DE. Of course everyone says it's a no brainer at my age to move to DE but I think because I get good numbers of eggs and reasonable blasts, that I keep thinking maybe one more. But then am I just prolonging having a healthy baby, no to mention the finances. It's all so headwrecking!
Thanks for replying. Just saw your message, apologies was going to reply to you earlier. That’s great to hear you have a high AMH (lots of eggs) are you going to try another cycle with your own eggs or thinking DE? So you are using donor sperm. We are similar age. I hope it works out for you 🙏 how do you feel with donor sperm & DE? I’m trying to get my head around carrying a baby even if no genetics is still ours, right? The baby is yours, will have your blood & certain characteristics……giving birth is an experience of being a mum too.
As you’ve seen, my story is been with my partner for several years, 9/10 so long time - not married (I know he loves me but not pooped the question for fear of not sure 🤔 😢) I’m 43/nearly 44 & he’s not much older. He already has 2 teenagers from ex wife. When I met him, we didn’t try so only last couple of years naturally then 2 cycles of IVF NHS & private so money is running out and I’m paying all as he doesn’t have savings. Both on low wages so financially a strain but I still have some savings left. He has low sperm but has been increasing over time. He had low sperm even when younger. We did ICSI twice, no luck. I’ve had tests, no issues apart from low AMH. First cycle produced 2 eggs, second cycle got 3 eggs - 5 in total but 1 only got to 5 day blastocyst (a B quality so not bad quality embryo from what doctor said) didn’t implant.
Issue now is, I am desperate to be a mummy and clock is ticking. I don’t want to loose my partner but doctor recommended going for DE & partner is against using DE & said recently conversation closed with DE. He says he loves me & wants only my eggs. I told him we can try naturally for a few months & if I try another cycle in London (expensive) with my own eggs, it’s only a 5-10% chance but DE is 60/70% chance. Our clinic have a partner clinic in Spain for DE. I’ve spoken to a counsellor to get my head around DE with his sperm - he is totally against it saying morally not right & how can he raise another women child & this & that when I told him, I will be the mum & even if no genetics, I will give birth but just help of another egg. So, before I talk to him again, wanted to look into “tandem cycle” I heard in Cyprus they do that (get my egg, donor egg & partners sperm to fertilise together into an embryo) if I can get a good egg. Not sure how successful this is but heard on forum, people have done it. I’m this, the baby would have a litter bit of my generics I presume? Do you know anything about tandem cycle as I think Cyprus does this?
I’m not like other women who are independent of a man (for me it’s not financially dependent on a man as I earn more but more I’m emotionally dependent on a man - fear of being on my own to be honest) to raise a child on my own scares me 😱 I don’t want to loose him but same time, I always wanted a child - a family. At my age, 43/44 I don’t know whether abroad clinics as cheaper & my savings are much lower now to look into going for 2 cycles for egg collections abroad to see how many eggs I can get (won’t be many as low AMH) freeze abroad in case my partner doesn’t get around or change his mind with DE or this tandem cycle ??? In case, I still can get a couple of eggs maybe even 1,2,3 eggs that can be frozen for near future in case he’s not around & then I’ll have to use with donor sperm? I really don’t want this to happen but I need to safeguard myself
Please let me know your thoughts on my story as emotionally struggling these days. Thank you 🙏
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