Pregnant after losses—hard to know what to think or feel

[LuxFleur]

I don't really know what my purpose is for posting this. I'm currently 4w6d pregnant from an FET high quality blastocyst. My HCG numbers were good, and so my doctor just told me to test HCG again this coming Friday, three weeks after the transfer, and that I would have the first scan one week after that.

I don't want to waste so much time googling random things. There really isn't anything to "do" and so I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know if I am going to have a baby or not and it's a very confusing time. My husband is working in another country at the moment so I am by myself.

I am 44, although this blastocyst was made right before I turned 43, so I guess the odds should be factored for a 42 year old. But this is really my last chance of having a child that is genetically related to me. I am not opposed to donor eggs, but I don't know if I will go that route or not, either if this ends up being my first child and I want another down the road, or if I lose this pregnancy like I did in previous instances and want to try again at a future date.

Before I got the positive, I had almost convinced myself that it would be for the best if it was a BFN. I know that sounds crazy in a forum like this, but I had taken a year off from treatments and felt more at peace with not becoming a mother. I did not want to feel devastated if it didn't work, even though I had been trying to get pregnant for the past seven years and never had had any doubt that I wanted to be a mother.

I had not taken a home pregnancy test in YEARS. The clinics here in Europe all tell you to do HCG tests and so the home tests seemed amateurish to me, so much uncertainty, so little information. And yet I could not bear to get more bad news in an email from the lab, which is how they tell you. You get an automatic email with your results in an attachment. So I did a home pregnancy test this time and couldn't believe it when the two lines showed up. My HCG was strong with the first test and more than doubled two days later, so my doctor thought things looked good so far. But of course I have to wait for the next test, and then the scan.

It's just hard to know what to do with myself while I wait, and I know that the wait will keep going. I think I'll probably still be in doubt until at least week 20, if I get that far, and that will not be until September!

I am very afraid of going to the scan and there being no heartbeat, as happened with one early loss where the numbers did not climb, or that everything will look good, strong heartbeat, and then I'll have another later loss, as happened with my daughter.

I told one friend that I am pregnant and she was like "be positive"—I really don't think people understand the risks, they don't think it will happen to you, they don't take it seriously.

I guess just posting because some people on here know how I feel.

xo

L

[Tnthketnf]

First of all congratulations. I hope all goes well. I don't have anything to add just what you said "had almost convinced myself that it would be for the best if it was a BFN" and "felt more at peace with not becoming a mother" resonated with me.

After 5+ years of infertility filled with constant negative tests and experiences, with not a single indication that something is working and I should keep going, I think I am coming to terms with it. I keep planning my next steps with treatment but the idea of never succeeding in ttc fills me with hope instead of desperation. Strange? Maybe it's a coping mechanism.

Anyway I wish you good luck with the rest of this journey!

[LuxFleur in reply to Tnthketnf]

I really understand where you are coming from. There are a lot of benefits to not being a parent. There are benefits to both. We just get one outcome or we don't. Coping mechanism or not, I know what you mean. I definitely hope my pregnancy works out this time but I don't feel like my identity depends on it so much anymore if that makes sense. Thank you again xo.

[MariaHdz]

What you feel is not strange at all. To be honest, I was worried until week 24 (when supossedly the baby can be born and survive). I was bleeding daily until week 22 and they did not know why, as everything seemed ok. Then they told me I had Gestational Diabetes, and a high risk of preclampsia. I had to excersise to control it after each meal (and have medicines and diet). I had all in control, But then my cervix was too short and had to be off my feet in the worst part of the diabetes (and I got a bad flu in this moment), so no more excersise for me. And then I had a hyper quick delivery. With no warning, I started with contractions 3 minutes apart, and I almost delivered in the highway (some people helped us to get to the hospital in the last moment).Things worked out and I sometimes tell myself I should have enjoyed my pregnancy more. But you know? Things are hard. And we got it harder than others, so it is normal to be feeling scared or like you should brace for the worst. My fertility team told me at the start of my pregnancy (i was very acared things would go wrong): Embrace the feeling, you have the right for it after all you went thru. Just try to relax a bit after, to not afect your embryo. Right now, things are fine. Tomorrow who knows? But today is what matters, and is giving you a bit of hope. You have shown that you are stronger than you ever thought. And whatever happens, you will deal with it when it happens

It helped a bit for me, I hope it does for you. I wish you a healthy and easy pregnancy

[KNissa]

Dear LuxFleur,

As someone who had a miscarriage in my last pregnancy, I wanted to share how I am getting through the early pregnancy anxieties, just in case it gives you strategies. Firstly, you have been through so much (just read your history) so I cannot possibly imagine the levels of worry you are experiencing and without your partner there in physical form. I am 41 and just over 9weeks pregnant after a bumpy ride of my own and distressingly far away from my family - not that you can even tell them at this stage because its all just so unknown.

At around 6 weeks when my anxieties were at fever pitch I was talking to my therapist who I have seen on and off for over 15 years at times of duress. Suddenly, for the first time EVER in our long long relationship she shared something of her own life! She said that she had had a very traumatic miscarriage in her 20s and she was well into her 40s and it was clear that she would not have any biological children by the time she made sense of it. She said she came to realise that being pregnant was like carrying another soul with you, and you don't know how long this soul will actually travel with you. It is not up to you how long you have this being for, but every single day that you carry them is incredibly special.

I am not sure why but somehow this has really really helped me calm down in this moment of uncertainty. It has allowed me to enjoy every day I have in this pregnant state. I somehow feel like this creature in me has chosen my body as a way of taking physical form and may or may not stick around. But at age 40+ I have more resources then I ever have had to be able to be okay with the fact that I ultimately don't really have control over what happens next - a humbling feeling.

Hurrah for the older women in our lives whose wisdom can sometimes get us through these moments. Thinking of you and wishing you all the very very best.

[Star241]

it is so hard!!! I got pregnant naturally last May and all did work out for me, like you have said I didn’t relax until the 20 week scan and when I say relax it was more like feeling hopeful it would work out. For now just look after yourself xxx

[CassieJ]

I just wanted to say that I really understand how you’re feeling. We lost 3 pregnancies before our daughter was born and honestly I think the fear of losing something you so desperately & deeply bodily want is almost worse than not having it in the first place. It can be incredibly hard being pregnant after loss. And extra stress given the context of your pregnancy-given that you think this the last use of your own eggs. In the nicest possible way it is impossible to be positive. In my experience you just have to live through it and allow yourself the fear of it working out whilst also acknowledging that it might not. I have everything crossed for you. Every scan and test is terrifying 🤞🤞but you will get through it either way. So hope it works outXxx

[minnesota_girl]

Hi lux, everything you've said really resonates for me because I recognise it all, I've felt just the same being pregnant after four losses and on my 5th round of IVF.

And each hurdle just reveals the hurdle to follow. Honestly I was a mess until about 11-12 weeks and then I've still struggled but it's felt a bit different, like I'm starting to believe I may bring my baby home. I'm 21 weeks now and I'm still anxious before scans. I've added nearly weekly privately scans after week 7 to see me through. I'd never been more scared of getting bad news especially in those early scans as it's all I'd ever known. And because I took a break like you and was feeling peaceful and better about myself and it's hard to start the worry and uncertainty again.

The best advice I can give is the time WILL pass. But it won't be quick. I remember exactly being in your shoes and now I'm 21 weeks. When you're 20 weeks I'll be about to go on maternity leave and I can't believe that will be happening. Do what you can to distract yourself but also if you can afford it, to give yourself some relief (eg more scans).

We understand 💕💕 it's hard to be positive when you just don't trust yourself. And it's not because you don't want to. It's because we're patterned based on what's happened before. But I doesn't always need to follow that this is what will be. ✨✨✨

[Kitkat10]

Congratulations LuxFleur I totally understand how you feel, but from experience, good things come after sad times. My sister had a late loss, her next IVF pregnancy was straight forward and she has a little girl.

Before I got a BFP, I had two failed cycles, sperm that defrosted at the border due to strikes and Covid delaying everything and I had honestly given up and then my sunshine arrived… it will happen but I understand how you feel. Keep going, you’ve got everything going well today so 🤞🍀🤞🍀 xx

[Twiglet2]

it’s a very common feeling after IVF and/or losses to feel this way and defo how I felt. You might want to move to this forum which is for people pregnant after fertility treatment as there will be more ladies who are in or have been in your situation healthunlocked.com/fertilit... xx