After how many years does this change you permanently?

[AdviceforJane]

We started trying in Feb 2020.

In Sept 2020 I got a bit concerned and had a set of basic tests done on NHS.

In March 2021 had a hycosy privately and got pregnant following month but miscarried. Everyone said don’t worry, you’ll fall again soon.

In Sept 2021 got pregnant and miscarried again. Everyone said don’t worry, it’s unfortunate but you will be pregnant again by Christmas!

In May 2022 we started IVF. Failed fresh transfer in May, failed frozen in July, failed frozen in Sept. Now no-one knows what to say.

So we are coming up to 3rd anniversary of starting to try and still nothing. 3 Christmasses feeling awful, 3rd new year of being frightened about what the future holds. The friends who started trying at the same time have 2 children and have moved on with their lives and their new friends.

At what point does it stop being a temporary setback and start being something that marks you for life? That even if you do get there you’ll be a worse mother for it?

And at what point do you give up and start to focus on the other things in your life and try to get to a place where you have a New Year’s Eve feeling excited about the future, not dreading it?

[l_nop]

Hi,I'm sorry to hear that you have had so many losses and are going through this cruel and draining process.

It took us 5 transfers to get our child and a further 5 for a sibling (well we're 13 weeks pregnant and so far so good).

From my experience it does 'mark' you. It's all consuming and it would be weird if it didn’t. Be kind to yourself, it takes a massive toll on both your mind and body. Try to find tiny distractions or things that you can look forward to that temporarily give you a little release from this massive thing that us IVF. The marks fade over time.

In terms of being a mother, I believe parents who have struggled to conceive make more patient, caring parents. We take nothing for granted. Saying that, once the baby arrives it starts to matter less and less how they got here.

It's hard not to feel low at big events like Christmas and NYE. Be gentle with your feelings.

X

[Weareback2]

Hi from my experience i dound i stopped telling people about our journey and just said we are on the waiting list. I found people were wanting to support but actually weren't and i dound talking ro them about our fails added to my stress. Everyone is different though. Some find it helpful talking to family and friends. Good luck xx

[StarsAllAround]

It's a very difficult question to answer as everyone has different ways of processing this journey and different coping mechanisms. It is especially hard for most around this time of year so please try to be kind to yourself and your partner. Have you thought about counselling? Talking to a stranger about your thoughts and feelings can often help. Most IVF clinics now offer free counselling sessions so ask yours if they can arrange one for you and maybe your partner too. Hope 2023 is a good year to you x

[Boo718]

I’m so sorry 😢 this journey is sooo difficult.

We have been together since 2009, ttc since 2011 and started ivf in 2017.

We’ve had 5 transfers plus soo many cancelled cycles I’ve lost count.

In the 5 years of ivf 5 immediate family and friends have had children and every time it was like a slap in the face. 3 of those kids arrived when ours would have if it had worked. In 2020 I’d just had enough I was miserable it was never going to work and I just didn’t know where I was going or what I was going to do with my life I couldn’t sleep didn’t want to see people it was awful so I went and spoke to a councillor it was honestly the best thing I have ever done. I felt sooo much better afterwords and managed to get my head back on track. We both decided that we would do twice more then draw the line. After more tests and a timing change for transfer I am 17 weeks. It’s been a reallly long journey and I was very close to going crazy a few times. Lots of conversations with hubby and bozies xxx I hope your ok xxx

[Janechar10]

Hey, We are pretty much on the same journey as you. We started tests ect in 2019, had clomid for 8months failed. All our ivf started same time as you, all have failed exactly like you. We booked a last min holiday that was something we looked forward too in September. Had a break from ivf did it again November failed.

I been to see a Councillor not at clinic but at my doctors that helped. My clinic you have to pay to see one unless you have a failed IVF.

Me and my partner both said next time we aren't telling people apart from close family, im sick of it not working, had enough of all my friends and family too having children- my sister (8years younger than me) has had two since we started.

Altogether we have spent around £10,000 (partner had children so nothing free for us) I keep thinking what else could we have bought with that.

Its hard a lot harder than people think, but you need to look for little things that keep you happy, keep you going.

My partner and I have agreed once we finished our package we have paid for then we arent going to give it anymore tries. Its taken over our lives since 2018.

If you want to chat just message me, sometimes its nice to have someone going through it at the same time.

Look for the future and I wish you all the Fairy Dust in the world. Xxx

[marmitequeen]

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a painful journey so far. I agree totally with what some of the other replies say - it does mark you but not necessarily in a bad way, certainly not making you a worse parent. If anything you appreciate it all the more when you finally have your longed for baby. As to whether or not to continue trying, that really depends on what your clinic thinks isn’t working so have a very frank conversation with them about this and definitely use their counselling services if they have them.

Wishing you all the luck for 2023

[Laurapax]

Feeling exactly the same AdviceforJane I hope you are doing ok xxx

[Krystal_43]

Sorry to hear you feel like this. I really understand how you feel - I’ve definitely been there emotionally and it sucks 😩 We’ve been trying 5 yrs with no success and most of our friends/siblings now have multiple kids - even the ppl I met through infertility forums are on baby 2 now! I’ve cried during Zoom calls where colleagues announced pregnancies (on mute, camera off thankfully) & dodged holding a new born by having a “cold” more times than I can remember 🤣 🤣🤣

However after my fourth full cycle failed a few yrs back, I decided to start doing a lot of self-work (-as corny as it sounds - there’s definitely an old version of me who would cringe at that sentence 🫣)! I saw a counsellor for a few months who really helped me develop my resilience by reframing the situation. The difference it has made to my everyday life is like night and day. Im a much better auntie, friend, & partner because of it. I can’t recommend it enough!

Infertility sucks - it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through (& continue to go through). It isn’t fair, it’s isolating and can affect every aspect of your life. But you can get through it.

[Boo718]

I am so sorry you’re feeling like this. But I completely understand. We were ttc for 11 years and did ivf for 5. I went and spoke to a councillor and honestly that made a huge difference. I hope your ok xxx