I have very low AMH and we’re starting our second IVF cycle. I’m not confident at all it will work and feel it’s an autoimmune issue but can’t test this untill our NHS funding is completed. Myself and my partner need to start thinking of other possibilities, and whilst we’re not at the stage we need to make a decision yet, it’s good to be aware of options. So, donor eggs. My partner is saying it’s a no go. He ‘wants a child genetically ours’- which is what we all want of course however this isn’t always straightforward. I’m not sure I’m keen on the idea myself but I feel it may be where we end up, and I’ve seen so many amazing donor egg success stories on here which gives me lots of hope. I am fully aware a parent doesn’t just mean your genetically related and it takes a lot more than that! But my partner is a stubborn bugger and isn’t willing to budge on this.
Anyone else has similar situation/conversations and if so what was the outcome?
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Mlove12
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Hi Mlove12, yes my partner initially didn’t want to have DE ivf even though we had no chance without them. I think the discussions during counselling helped. He was more worried I wouldn’t love the baby as much as if it had a genetic link. For me I did have to really consider all my feelings, initially I was hung up on the donor having the exact same characteristics as me which as difficult because I have natural blond really curly hair and it’s unusual. In the end the donor profile did it for me the reasons the donor chose to donate were so beautiful me and my partner cried when we read it (she doesn’t share my hair characteristics but her reasons for donating were beautiful and figured if we could pass that compassion to help others to a child it’s got to be a good thing). The treatment didn’t work but we have 2 embies in the freezer and decided to have our first FET early next year. I don’t even think about those embryos being from a donor now they are mine and my partners and we just can’t wait to have our first baby x
That is such a beautiful story and I’ve never thought of that perspective before. I never considered that you’d be able to chose and that women would have their own reasons for donating, that is really lovely and definitely opened my eyes up to the process.
Thank you for replying and sharing your experience, it’s really helps💞I’m sorry your first transfer didn’t work out but I wish you the best of luck with your transfer early next year xx
i am the other way...I have low AMH but I'm determined to have a genetically mine child before I even consider other options.
I really want to meet that baby and find out who they will be.
it's hard though as one day I may have to come to terms with the fact that will not ever happen and after already coming to terms with the fact I will be unlikely to have the 3 kids I always dreamt of I just do not want to give up on having at least 1 little genetic baby.
your parter may have to come to terms with the idea it may not work out that way but i guess whilst theres still a chance then maybe you don't need to push that subject just yet and focus on your second round and tell yourself it will work. Try stay positive and in the present and not plan too far into the future. Although knowing your options will never harm.
We are gearing up for round 2 soon as well but needed a break after the first failed round. It's such a rough journey isn't it.
Sending you luck and hope your round 2 works for you both 🙏
Thanks for replying and sharing your thoughts. I’m definitely trying not to overthink it or jump the mark but also don’t want to be shocked to have to think about it if things don’t work out with my own eggs. Absolutely something which is very difficult to accept and I’m wanting a child which is genetically mine if possible.
I hope your second round is successful! Best of luck💞xx
of course...the ideal is a baby that is both of yours but I know the feeling of being realistic too. I do hope you get there and you don't need to go down the donor route but should you need to then like you said, it's more than genetics being a parent and once you've carried and helped grow that baby they're more yours than anyone else's. If only life gave us what we wanted without all of this heartache and worry. I'm sure I'd catch on if I could just relax but it's been such a testing 6 months for us.
My hubby was the same initially - said he wouldn’t feel the child is ours. He gently got used to the idea of donor eggs - he said it’s my call ‘as these are your eggs we’re talking about’ (which is actually disagree with, but never mind), and said that at least I’d carry the baby and share blood etc , and that would give me the feeling of the child being mine - whereas he’s still against sperm donors, because he says as a man the genetic connection is all he has and otherwise he wouldn’t feel the child is his.
I think being a parent is so much more than genetics - I know people who’ve used donors and also people who adopted, and they couldn’t love their kids more or feel more like a family - but I also understand it takes time to get your head around it. So give him time, it sounds like it’s not a decision you need to make any time soon, so give him time to think about it and digest it. Also look at epigenetics, some people believe the sharing of blood in utero also means some DNA gets shared ☺️
Thats exactly how my partner feels, like the baby wouldnt be ours and it really bothers him. I definitely think time will help and it’s perhaps something he needs to allow himself to accept and contemplate. I hope your fertility journey is going well! Thank you for replying and sharing your experience x x
Hi a doctor said to me that the mother has influance on which genes are expressed during the pregnancy in other word with the same embryo, 2 different women would basically have a different baby, that is what you bring to the table on top growing, feeding to create life when you factor in your environment, what you eat, sleep ...
I am too early in my journey and single to consider egg donor, but I thought it was beautifully said just in case that helps you.
This is the same discussion/concern my husband had after failed fet ,we had another EC collection later but again bfn with my OE.
So then I sat my hubby and told him already the clock is ticking for us and we must think other options and that's when he understood and was comfortable with the idea of DE.
We are yet to start and soon will have transfer 🤞
I hope your hubby come to an equal terms with you and you decide what is best for you.
every situation is different and it is so hard to make the right decision. We did not want to go down the DE route but thankfully we did and we have two gorgeous children.
To be honest we never think of it at all (I was worried we would not feel the same connection ). Both our children are a complete mix of both of us and everyone comments how alike me they look.
Be lovely if you don’t have to have DE but it is honestly not a second choice, such a gift. ❤️ Here if you ever need any support x
Thank you for sharing your experience and it’s so wonderful you have two gorgeous children! I love how you worded ‘ not a second choice but a gift’ think this is very very true and a lovely outlook on the reality of it💞x
hI lovely, I read this and it was like reading my story! I have very low amh, I've been told for 2 years I'm perimenopausal. tried 2 rounds of ivf as I was determined, but both failed. so now we're waiting on donor egg treatment. I've actually just been diagnosed with graves disease (autoimmune), which was the reason all along. TBH I felt thr same as your husband for a long time. but when it's your only option, it's something you accept. try showing him stories from donor egg couples. I'm sure he will accept it eventually
I second this too!! It is such a gift! You have to be comfortable with who you receive that gift from and when we read the first donor offered we turned her down. But the second one , we knew! 🥰
I have beautiful twin girls (6 weeks corrected) from DE IVF. In the build up to my first round of IVF I also worried that it wasn’t going to work and that maybe we should just skip to DE. I just wanted to be pregnant… My husband felt it wouldn’t be wise to jump ahead and to at least try. honestly, it was probably a good thing that it failed so demonstrably, it probably made coming to terms with donor eggs when they were offered a tiny bit easier . I didn’t wonder ‘what if’ too many times, because I knew it wouldn’t work.
However, I would also say that when we first started our IVF journey the two years before, I was told then that I needed DE IVF and the responses were flipped! I was adamant that I couldn’t possibly have a baby that wasn’t ‘mine’ and was outraged that my husband could possibly want a baby with someone else! Honestly, I’m laughing at myself as I type that now… I think I needed to try with my OE first as part of that grieving process.
Now my girls are here I wouldn’t want any children, made any other way. They are perfect! I am thankful for my infertility as without it they wouldn’t exist! Without my womb and my nourishment they wouldn’t exist. I have grown, carried and birthed these girls and my connection is unquantifiable and no different to any other mum and baby. Your husbands feelings are normal - he is grieving! I would suggest checking out the donor conception network and also defining mum blog. Also Amanda Dawn on you tube shared her DE experience on you tube- she has POF like me and I found her story helpful. But even if that’s not your reason for your infertility, her videos are really helpful.
It’s hard when you have to let go of the ideas of how things will be - and the fears and worries he has are fair and reasonable. I think it takes time to get your head around and honestly, a bit of desperation to just get pregnant helps! I will add though, it’s not guaranteed to work first time. Ours was successful on our third transfer with a double embryo transfer.
Thank you replying and sharing your amazing story, congratulations on your two gorgeous girls! Stories like yours really do open my eyes to it all and I shall definitely pass on peoples stories to my partner when we’re at a stage of considering donor eggs. I think once he has some time to adjust he may come around too it. Thank you for sharing and hope your well x
When we started IVF my husband said we would only ever do 3 rounds and he was flat against donor eggs. He felt we would have a great life even if we didn’t have children and we didn’t need to ‘force’ it like that, and ‘what would be would be’
Six fresh own egg rounds and 16 embryos later it was actually him who was more committed to donor than I was! He suddenly said he was fine with it as it was a means to get the family we wanted. He had clearly done some googling!!
It took me about a year to get my head round it, but these days I don’t know why I worry, I am currently pregnant with DE and I can openly talk about the fact it’s DE but this is very much my baby. Ever since I saw the two lines it was mine. The donor gave me some cells for which I am very grateful, me and my partner have grown (and hopefully are still growing!) a baby 💕 Give him time he may just need to process it all xx
What a wonderful story and congratulations! It strange how wanting a family can change our mindset, my partner has said the exact same as your husband ‘our life will be just as happy without children’ which I’m sure would be true however I know we both desperately want it and mindsets can change when reality hits and our chances are very slim/gone.
It’s so lovely to hear other stories and makes it less daunting for me when I hear others amazing experiences. I hope your pregnancy is happy and healthy! X
Just wanted to give you a little bit of hope, hopefully this doesn’t complicate your emotions and make things harder on you. My AMH was .4. My first round of IVF was a complete failure, I ended up with 4 eggs retrieved and 2 embryos, both of which were transferred and failed. A couple of months later we did a second round, this produced the same numbers. Our meds were different the second time around though. One of the embryos took and my son will be two next month. I completely understand planning ahead but also don’t give up hope❤️ They say the first round is often just learning how your body responds.
My first round was very similar to yours and now starting couple months later for round 2. Im hoping we get two to transfer but we’ll see! Thank you for your encouraging story and congratulations on your successful cycle. Definitely gives me motivation to keep going x
well I only had the conversation actually once ivf had been successful - I hadn’t really entertained it. One step at a time and that’s what I’d advise you now rather than adding to your anxiety. I think it’s pretty normal for anyone to feel one way or the other. My OH is very open to donor (sperm he said if it hadn’t worked) however I wasn’t - I would want a child to be ours. I know that’s not how many people feel at all but everyone is entitled to feel the way they do… so whilst my other half was open I don’t think I was. Luckily ivf worked for us. Even now I don’t think I’d have changed my mind.
we were told from the start of our IVF journey that we had zero chance of conceiving with my eggs. My husband was hesitant about using DE for the same reasons as your partner, but he let me explore the possibility. We went to the implications counselling and they way it was all explained to us really understand it more.
The eggs may genetically not be yours but you have grown the baby, its your body that has gave it the food and the safe environment to flourish.
like stargazer said, I was hung up on characteristics and the donner having blue eyes like me, but the counsellor explain that doesn't necessarily mean this will be passed on to the baby, genes can skip generations or the dads genes may take over. In the end it came down to what the donor wrote about why they were doing it, and what type of person they were
unfortunately we had 2 rounds and were unsuccessful. Only 1 embryo each cycle. So we have decided on adoption and if that doesn't work out lots of puppies lol.
Thank you for sharing. It’s such a difficult one isnt it. I so sorry to hear your rounds were not successful, best of luck with your adoption adventure! And maybe also lots of puppies along with it! 🤗x
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thank you for sharing x
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