We’re out. I haven’t cried. Am I numb or just hardened?

[LittleT123]

So yesterday was OTD and we got the dreaded BFN. My spotting wasn’t implantation it was my period trying to come and as soon as I stopped the progesterone injections yesterday AF made her unwelcome appearance. During my first IVF cycle this crushed me and it took me two weeks to stop crying. This time I haven’t even cried and went to the gym and carried on with my day as usual yesterday. Of course I’m deeply gutted it hasn’t worked and we are going again asap, but I’m confused why I’m not more emotional about this? Am I numb and not grieving or am I now just better equipped to deal with the situation through experience? We did things differently this time to last time. The first time we viewed the embryo on the screen and took a photograph which I was fixated on for the TWW but this time I chose not to see the embryo or take a photograph as doing that last time almost made me bond with the embryo like it was my baby and I felt I had lost my baby last time. We agreed that should I have a successful pregnancy from this IVF we could request the photos from the Lab at a later date. Perhaps cutting out the embryo photo helped me to not bond with the embryo so I haven’t needed to grieve so much. Also last time we tested early on day 6 post transfer and got a positive from d6pt every day up to OTD when the line faded dramatically and the following day the line had completely faded. I think that first time because I though I was pregnant testing early it felt like I had lost the baby but this time I didn’t test early and when I got the BFN I didn’t feel like I had lost anything.

Just curious if other people have had very different reactions to different cycles?

[Skittles11]

Hi

I think there is something to be said for building up resilience but also the body's / mind's way of protecting itself against traumas. I got no embryos on my last cycle and barely reacted which I felt was unlike me.

I put up a similar post recently but mine was more about feeling numb approaching a cycle after having had so many disappointments and heartbreak. It's here if you want to take a look:

Https://healthunlocked.com/fertility-network-uk/posts/148213638/feeling-numb-after-multiple-unsuccessful-rounds-and-loss

So yes in answer to your question I think it is very normal to have different reactions to different cycles as you go through something like this. Sorry about your BFN and good luck for next time xx

[LittleT123 in reply to Skittles11]

Thank you I’ll take a look at your post xxx

[Bomboncita in reply to Skittles11]

I agree with Skittles11. The mind has a way of protecting itself against traumas. Don't be hard on yourself. It's normal.

I can also relate to your experience LittleT123.

Before my OTD my period was already showing up. By the time I reached the testing day all I wanted to do is to stop the pessaries and get back to my normal self. I became emotional afterwards.

Give yourself some time to disconnect and recharge and once you are ready, give it another go.

Sending you lots of love.

[Faith103]

Hey 👋

This sounds like me on my failure. I think it’s just because I prepared my mind for a negative after a bad transfer and losing one of our embryos in the thawing process. I just felt like the world was against me on the transfer. I didn’t end up crying. I got a bit peed off but apart from that I just got on with it. Just go with your emotions and how you feel. Don’t be to hard on yourself for not crying it’s different for us all xxx sending you hugs ❤️❤️

[TexasRose210]

My second transfer failed and I did not get upset. I was at work and actually stayed. I did have some sad moments after but my emotions were just like yours. I just told myself that I would have to try again and it would be successful and it was!! Third transfer worked!!

[LittleT123]

Thanks for your reply it made me smile. Hopefully third time lucky like you xx

[JOSANDY40]

Yes I do understand that feeling when I did my IVF. I was ill with the treatment, therefore I felt the Hostipal trips were like I was going there numb cos I had a illness, the baby thoughts weren't at the front of my mind at all! I was relieved when it was time to go home after the plantation. I remember being confused that I was pregnant but the pain started, then the bleeding. I felt the exhaustion then a werid depressed time of a week followed by a remorse, crying in werid spontaneous way, hollowing like a dog and werid lose like someone had died for 6mths of depression, guilt followed. Everyone was disappointed, I felt a failure, my in-laws were keen to do IVF again but I just couldn't go through the illness with drugs or depression again!

[Twiglet2]

I’m so sorry 😢 I have different reactions every time too. It’s a combination of all the things you mentioned for me, experience of coping , how I approach that particular transfer, what my next steps are and am I already focused on them and just generally what’s going on in my life! I have to say my chemical pregnancy probably did hit me hard as you see those 2 lines on the test and get your hopes up so might also be why the last time was a hard one to take. I’ve also been totally fine with a negative outcome at first and then a few weeks down the line lost it over nothing and cried and then realised actually it was built up pain from the failed transfer, just in case this happens to you 🤗 Either way no matter what your reaction is now or down the line it’s all perfectly normal so just take one day at a time and try not to worry about what you ‘should’ be reacting like my lovely ☺️ So sorry it didn’t take this time around xxx

[Kitkat10]

Hi, I felt very similar to you. I was so devastated after my first failed cycle as I totally believed it would work first time. I was more despondent after the second failed cycle but expected a failure as I started spotting before OTD. By the third cycle I had pretty much given up hope as I only had one egg fertilise and I tested just to go through the motion on OTD. I’d already looked at other options and accepted a failure.. and then the test was positive! So… it’s 100% normal to feel how you feel, it’s really tough but try and stay positive and navigate your way through this. 🤞🤞 wishing you third time lucky 🍀 x