Feeling very anxious today that it'll never happen for us

[Mudra85]

I'm having a low day today. We were meant to be starting our IVF cycle this week, but my ovaries and natural hormones weren't suppressed enough at my baseline scan. I'm back on the pill now for 10 days in the hopes that this will do the trick in time for my next baseline scan on the 1st March.

In 2020, I had one natural pregnancy which ended in a TMFR at nearly 20 weeks due to a genetic condition I carry (this is the reason we're doing IVF). We then had a round of NHS-funded IVF in 2021 where we got one euploid embryo which we transfered and sadly ended in a chemical pregnancy. We were then told that we'd have to wait 6 months to do another IVF cycle with the NHS because all the funding had been allocated for this financial year.

Not willing to wait and me being 36 we decided we couldn't wait the 6 months and have gone private because we want to bank embryos while we still can.

I just feel so low about everything today and like we may never become parents because it just feels impossible. Everyone we know has either had children or is currently pregnant (even those we know who've had fertility treatment) and I'm just finding it too much. I don't understand why we can't just catch a break and I think I'm feeling nervous going into a second IVF cycle because I'm aware even though we produce embryos that most of them could he chromosomally abnormal. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself today, but this just feels so exhausting and I don't know when or if it'll ever end.

Has anyone felt like it was hopeless or gone through similar and had success at my age?

[Blue-cat33]

Hi, I've not gone through what you have. I have had 2 rounds with one ending in MC. I'm now looking at whether to change my clinic and try something else. But I know what you mean about the exhaustion and just catching a break would be nice. It's very overwhelming the whole process.

I wanted to wish you all the best with your next treatment and keep my fingers crossed for you that you get the break you deserve and that one egg makes it through for you.

[Mudra85 in reply to Blue-cat33]

Thanks Blue-cat. I wish you all the best too and hope you also catch a break very soon!

[Hoping20]

Hi there, I’m so sorry about your loss...truly heartbreaking and for your chemical pregnancy. Unfortunately I have no success stories (yet!) But I just wanted to reply...you are not alone in this journey. You have been through so much so you are allowed to have your low days. Infertility, pregnancy loss and IVF is such a tough journey. We should never underestimate what we have endured. Please be kind to yourself. Take care x

[Mudra85 in reply to Hoping20]

Thank you Hoping. I appreciate the kind and caring words. You've made me feel like I'm not going completely crazy xx

[Skittles11]

Hi Mudra. I know we've spoken on another post regarding 3d sis scan but I just wanted to reiterate that you've been through so much and how you feel is completely understandable. I have also experienced a TFMR and I can say hand on heart it is the worst, most cruel and heartbreaking thing and it's just not talked about which I think makes it worse. I have the same fears about my embryos being chromosomally abnormal, I think after a TFMR it is a completely normal fear to have and its hard not to think something else will go wrong. I have also experienced a chemical pregnancy and am the same age as you - we seem to have lots in common (unfortunately for us - but in the kindest way). Anyway I just wanted to say you're not alone, your exhaustion and feelings capture how I too feel but I sincerely hope there will be brighter days ahead for both of us. Take care of yourself xx

[Mudra85 in reply to Skittles11]

Hi again Skittles, thanks for your reply. We do seem to have quite similar journeys (unfortunately for us, like you say). I really hope there will be much brighter days ahead for the two of us also. Whilst it's a horrible position for anyone to be in it's comforting to know there are others who understand the depth of this. It can feel so lovely some days, especially as so many people just can't understand what you're going through (other than the ladies who've been through it of course). Take good care of yourself too xx

[Skittles11 in reply to Mudra85]

If you want to chat feel free to private message me, my inbox is always open xx

[Mudra85 in reply to Skittles11]

Thanks Skittles, that's really kind of you. Please also free free to PM me too about anything xx

[Tara123456]

Hi Mudra. I'm sorry you're feeling down. Completely understandable. I don't have a similar experience, but I try to keep in mind two things as I make this journey. First, the vast majority of women who want kids end up having them (one way or another, sooner or later). It sucks that some of us have to go through hell first, but if you want it badly enough, chances are, you'll end up getting it. The second is that the happiest person I've ever met didn't (couldn't) have children. So you are not condemned to unhappiness either way. But I feel your pain. And I truly wish your dreams can come true soon. This community is full of stories of babies coming into the world against all odds. xx

[Mudra85 in reply to Tara123456]

Thanks Tara, that's reassuring. I'm very much hoping it's just a case of persevering with things. I read somewhere only this week that most women who do fertility treatment end up having a baby in the end (even if it takes a few goes to get there), but there's always that lingering fear that you'll be one of the few who doesn't. It's the uncertainty of not knowing when or how it'll end that sends me loopy some days. Xx

[Pos1tivelybaby]

Sending you big hugs and kisses. Like someone said to me, this is happening because this isn’t your time yet, but it will happen and soon. Be kind to yourself, it’s understandable to feel this way, it’s been one hell of a journey! Keep positive, good news is on its way xxx

[Mudra85 in reply to Pos1tivelybaby]

Thank you Pos1tively. I'm trying to keep telling myself that it'll be our time soon. The waiting is so difficult though. Xxx