Embarking on fresh IVF cycle after devastating loss TFMR

[Skittles11]

Hi lovely ladies.

I am about to embark on a fresh IVF cycle in the coming weeks following a desperately sad loss in November last year. We had already had 3 fresh cycles and 1 frozen by the time we achieved a pregnancy. We learnt that our baby had serious problems at our 12 week scan and subsequently that he or she would not survive. Words cannot describe the heartbreak I still feel at the decision we had to make, it has been the worst time of my life.

I have been trying to move forward but the grief pulls me back. Doctors have advised me to move forward with IVF as soon as I am ready due to my diminished egg reserve so I am due to start fairly soon. I am not really ready emotionally and in other circumstances I would prefer to wait but I am also fearful about missing what chance I have left. I have always been anxious about IVF and the outcomes having now had 3 fresh cycles (one of which no eggs were retrieved) and 1 frozen but our experience gives a whole new dimension and makes it feel even more hopeless. My husband on the other hand remains optimistic which I guess is a good thing.

I don't have a question to ask as such. Just sharing my fears and thoughts with the space in which I feel safest.

Thanks for reading x

[Bteeldla]

I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you both xxx

[Skittles11 in reply to Bteeldla]

Thank you, I appreciate that x

[Fudge1980]

Just want to send you some love and positivity 💗 hope is what we hang onto xx

[Skittles11 in reply to Fudge1980]

Thank you Fudge. I need some positivity x

[Millbanks]

Hi lovely, it must be so hard getting going again after your loss - I'm so sorry.

It sounds as though it's the right decision.

I don't know if it helps but I never really felt like I was in the right state of mind throughout my treatment - I was always questioning and worrying about outcomes - but it became normal to feel like that. I imagine most of us do.

So don't give yourself a hard time - take it one day at a time and let yourself feel what you need to feel.

Much love xx

[Skittles11 in reply to Millbanks]

It is difficult to continue after a loss, no doubt about it. I suppose the question is what's the alternative. And its that that keeps me going x

[Millbanks in reply to Skittles11]

Then that is the best thing to hang on to xx

[Sunflower35]

So sorry about your loss... I do know how it feels to go through that loss, sadly. Just be kind to yourself and do what feels right and only when you are ready. Have you had any counselling? I have found it helps me, just find whatever works best for you.

[Skittles11 in reply to Sunflower35]

Hi, I'm so sorry to learn you have experienced this type of loss as well. There are no words to describe it. I have been having counselling, think I would benefit from baby loss counselling / grief counselling specifically but have struggled to find something more geared to this x

[Sunflower35 in reply to Skittles11]

I went to my GP for blood tests shortly after my loss and she suggested she would connect me to support groups of people experiencing the same situation if I wanted to try. I wasn’t ready at the time to expose my feelings as they were too hard to contain but if you find the right time and is something that you’d find useful, it could be one route to explore.

[MakingbabyN]

Hi Skittles11 i am so sad for everything you’ve had to go through. As you know, I’ve started treatment again following my loss. I can describe it as going through treatment in a trance. Am I emotionally stable? No definitely not. Have I processed and recovered from my loss? Nope, no way. Do I desperately want hope and happiness? Yes. And that’s the only thing that sees me through. Knowing that I want and I deserve a happy ending. And you do too.

I am going through the motions with little thought unlike last time. The days seem to pass by quicker than I remember last time because I’m so focused on my grief and getting through the days. The treatment is an after thought, a collateral. I’m questioning lots of things, like progesterone, which is a very sensitive subject to me and I’m going to be a nightmare patient, but that’s what I have to do to make sure I have no regrets whatever the outcome.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful. But know that, you’ve got this. And I’m here if you want to chat. Xxx

[MakingbabyN]

Another thing that has struck me this time is that we’ve lost all of our innocence and excitement for the process. I won’t ever be excited for a transfer, or the next step/round. I genuinely believe that I will never be truly happy until I hold a living and healthy baby in my arms. That sucks. And this is grief 💔 xxx

[Skittles11 in reply to MakingbabyN]

Thank you for your heart felt words. They mean a lot to me and perfectly sum up the feelings I have as well xx

[XOXO13]

I’m so sorry for what you’ve got through 💔 I’m sending you so much luck, love and strength - I know it’s incredibly tough to have to go through this again when you’re grieving a tragic loss, so take your time and seek support when you need it. We are all here to talk should you need it as well ❤️ Xxx

[Skittles11 in reply to XOXO13]

Thank you for your words, I need the luck, love and strength. X

[Redsequin]

Hello lovely.

I'm so so sorry you had to go through such a horrific experience in November. I can't even imagine how that must've been/still is on your emotional and physical health. I hope your husband/loved ones are able to look after you as you navigate this next step. Above all, I hope you don't feel any pressure to feel positive or upbeat; you're absolutely amazing just for picking yourself up and starting again.

We are all here if you need to vent or just want some encouragement to get you through! Thinking of you xxxx

[Skittles11 in reply to Redsequin]

What a lovely thing to say. I certainly don't feel upbeat and don't have the energy to try to be, i feel some people around me think I have had enough time to grieve now and should be back to "normal". Thank you xx

[yep586]

Sorry to hear about your loss. We did 3 IVF rounds (after 2 natural miscarriages), the first round I miscarried, the second we had to terminate due to Edwards syndrome which was the hardest thing to do and that broke our hearts... The only thing that helped me was to keep going and think positively. Third round worked and I gave birth last year. You can take some time off, it's hard with IVF as you never know what will happen, but nothing is certain with normal conception as well so the worry will always be there. Please try to stay positive. Wishing you lots of luck!!!

[Skittles11 in reply to yep586]

Thank you for your message and sharing your experience. Our baby also had Edwards Syndrome and my heart is broken. Without a doubt this has been the most difficult part of my journey because the trauma is so significant. I am pleased to hear about your rainbow. Xx

[yep586 in reply to Skittles11]

Thank you. I completely understand, it's so hard to go through something like that. I wanted to give up after that experience and I'm glad I didn't. Stay strong ❤️

[Skittles11 in reply to yep586]

Thank you. This is how I feel. A part of me has had enough and wants to give up but a bigger part of me cannot do that. It's good to hear you persevered and had success xx

[Hoop123]

Thank you for sharing. Sending you as much support and comfort as possible. It sounds like you're doing the right thing and that all the feelings are totally normal and understandable. I can't imagine the amount of pain you have had to deal with and still carry with you and the strength you've needed to pick yourself up again to try another round. It's great your husband is staying optimistic and we also have your back, here, if you ever need a bit of extra support or encouragement. You've got this Xx

[Skittles11 in reply to Hoop123]

Thank you for the reassurance and support. Yes the grief is heavy and I've found that it can be hard for people around me to grasp. That's why I'm so glad I've got this forum as people are empathic and understanding x

[Eternalwarrior]

Hello lovely, I am so so so sorry for your loss. I think losing a baby/child is the worst thing that can happen to a mum. Although for different reasons, I also lost a baby at nearly 18 weeks over two and a half years ago and the heartbreak and devastation is impossible to describe. I still think of him and that day every single day, but I can say that it gets easier with time. This is something that when women who had gone through something similar used to tell me, I couldn't believe.

Everyone is different but when we lost our baby, I just wanted more than ever to get pregnant. Unfortunately, I had complications post-delivery and we couldn't try straight away, but for me doing IVF after our loss gave me hope. I kept repeating to myself that we were one step closer to our happy ending, which we truly deserve (we haven't quite got there yet but I am currently pregnant). It may seems silly, but this kept me going and gave me hope. One step closer...

Although everyone is different, my advice would be take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself, enjoy the little things that make you happy, let yourself feel what you have to feel (grieve if you have to grieve, cry if you have to cry, set boundaries if you have to) and surround yourself with the people who love you, support you and make you feel happy. I am here if you need to chat xx

My thoughts are with you and I am sending you lots, lots and lots of hope, strength, positivity, love and hugs

❤️

[Skittles11 in reply to Eternalwarrior]

Thank you for this lovely message and your well thought out advice. Unfortunately I have found it to be a rare occurance for friends / family to understand the magnitude of our loss and fertility issues in general but the ones that do will be the ones I try and spend time with, particularly around our next cycle.

I am sorry to learn you experienced a late loss, I feel very sad for you. In no way is it a surprise to me that you think about what happened every day even though time has passed. Although you build life around the loss, it is still there and remains very much a part of you (in my opinion).

I am pleased that you were able to get some hope from trying again. Wishing you all the best for the remainder of your pregnancy x

[Eternalwarrior in reply to Skittles11]

Hello lovely,Yes, I agree with you that it is a rare occurrence for people/friends/family to understand us if they haven't experienced infertility and loss themselves, but this journey has taught me who my real friends are and that there are very lovely people out there happy to help and perhaps I would have never met them if it hadn't been for this difficult journey.

Surround yourself by the people who love you and make you feel well and take care of yourself. You are the most important thing right now ❤️ I am here if you need to chat xx

[Hidden]

Hi Skittles, so sorry for your loss, it really is a heart wrenching decision that no parent should ever have to make. I too had a TFMR a couple of years ago, late on in the pregnancy as his complications weren't seen for a good while. It's really important to have support around you but no I don't think friends really get what you've been through, well meaning as they might be. In case you don't know about them ARC have a parent forum for people who have experienced a difficult diagnosis in pregnancy, stillstandingmag.com is a great online magazine with loads of articles on infertility and baby loss but quite a few on TFMR. I got comfort from reading how other people felt the same way as I did. Also LMCsupport.ie is another website for supporting parents with these type of diagnosis, it is an Irish site but there are blog stories and reading suggestions that you might find helpful. Just some suggestions if you think it might be helpful to connect with people in the same situation. Also I went through IVF afterwards and became pregnant again so just look after yourself as best as you can.