I wonder if any of you can help me, or understand where I'm coming from. My husband and I are now starting our third cycle of IVF after 2 failed rounds this year. My 2nd round was worse than my first with less eggs collected and fertilised even with protocol changes. This time round the nurses and embryologist have all told me I need to stay positive, and go into this cycle with the mindset that this is going to work because the positive mindset is a lot of the battle, and I understand that. But after the last 2 failed cycles I am really finding it so difficult to feel positive about this round, I'm struggling to get myself into that happy hopeful mindset. And my husband just doesn't understand why I can't just flick that switch in my brain and get in that mindset. I feel a bit broken. Has anyone else struggled with the mental aspect of IVF
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Oh love, I swear it gets harder to be positive as you go through cycles. Logically why would you feel positive when you’ve been through so much and still aren’t where you want to be?I totally empathise with you.
What I found though is that each cycle we learned something new, had some new test done, had something else to try so I focused on that instead of what was out of my control.
It’s not as simple as flicking a switch in your brain but if you can try and shift your focus you might find that new positives open up to you.
But don’t feel bad for feeling negative - to be honest it’s a process that we have to work through as we go through it all.
Thank you so much for your reply, and you are right we definitely learnt new things from both cycles and changes have been made, I shall try focusing on that. People on here always have words of wisdom, it's so nice to speak to people who understand!
Hey, I had to reply as I literally wrote the same message but a lot more ‘woe is me’ when I was starting my fourth round about a year ago. I was all out of positivity and was really worried that without that PMA my round wouldn’t work
Everyone had so many good ideas about positivity but if I am completely honest I was beaten and couldn’t really manage any of them!
Anyway then I spoke to a nurse at my clinic and explained my worries, and she said to me you don’t need to be positive all the time you just need to ‘keep on keeping on’ - she said it’s just a war of attrition and we don’t have to go through it all ‘brilliant’ and ‘this is IT’ but instead do just take each minute each hour and each day as you can to get through it. And if you keep chipping away and chipping away you will get there
I think they just say ‘think positive’ as a) they can’t guarantee you anything and b) there are so many intangibles they can’t explain it’s easier to give you this flippant advice
Anyway it’s well meaning of them but don’t stress if you aren’t super positive - Just self protect and do what you need to do to get through the next few weeks. Third time lucky! Masses of luck xxxx
Thank you so much, that actually provides some comfort. I was so worried that if I couldn't change my mindset that I'm just encouraging the process to fail, your nurse sounds like a wise one! Thank you! I really appreciate the advice!
Oh lovely, I hear you. I was so down after my two cycles (had similar results to you).
I actually really bristle at people telling me to be positive. Sometimes that isn't what is called for, and being ok with not being ok is sometimes what needs to happen.
This is something you can get through and there will be positive and negative periods and some periods where you're just clinging on. And that's enough xx
For me, I found that as I went through the third cycle I started to get some good news that perked me up. I ended up having my best ever cycle and did get a BFP although it did unfortunately end in early miscarriage.
You're doing everything you can, and sometimes it's ok to not be positive and to wait to see if you feel any better the next day or the next xx
Thank you! Just hearing from fellow IVF warriors that it's actually OK not to be positive about everything feels like a weight off my shoulders and I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry about your third cycle resulting in miscarriage I can't imagine how that must feel. Sending you all the baby dust in the world!
I read Marisa Peer’s book ‘Trying to Get Pregnant (and succeeding)’ and found it gave me a huge change in mindset. I can’t say that was the deciding factor but I did get my BFP that round and even if I hadn’t I felt sooo much calmer throughout the process. If you are finding it hard to be positive (and who cam blame anyone finding this hard going through IVF!) I do recommend trying it. Best of luck xx
Hey hon I find it really hard to be positive, tbh I have always been a bit like that. But I knew things were getting to me when I started avoiding relatives who I knew would try to tell me to be positive. Sometimes you just need people to say yep, this is shit! So I totally agree on not buying into being positive so the time.....But what has helped me be more neutral has been seeing a therapist, not just for fertility stuff. Don't get me wrong I am still wigging out about stuff but I think my stress levels aren't what they were. And this evening she did a hypnosis session, it was super helpful and calming, I honestly couldn't recommend it more. Oh and the Mindful IVF is really good for when those anxiety moments peak. I hope this third round is your lucky one 🧡🤞
Thank you so much for your reply, I have actually considered trying to find a therapist a few times in all honesty just for general coping with all the struggles, I'm glad it's working for you. I feel I am alot like you, I have always jumped straight to negativity when anything isn't going right, and I feel like I used up all of my positivity on the first 2 rounds and now my brain is telling me "come on now, you can't seriously think this will work".Could I just ask, what is the mindful IVF?
Hey yep we sound alike 🧡 whenever something goes wrong I feel like I am just waiting for the next bad thing to happen, like nothing could be expected to go well 😪 I have always kind of thought you just need to get on with things and persevere but after my Dad passed away and a couple of shitty years with various other things, doing IVF made me realise I needed to get some things in order if I was going to be a parent without my head all over the place. So I would say it is worth it, having someone to help you and only you, it's something that I didn't realise how much I needed until I started it. The Mindful IVF is an android or iPhone app that you can download and has meditative/ mindfulness type recordings you can listen to, some you have to buy but they aren't expensive and his voice is lovely and soothing, big hugs 🧡🤞
I agree with Daisy1245 and minnesota_girl. The 'stay positive and it will happen' bull is totally counterproductive and I think the people working in these IVF clinics should know better. It is really screwed up and causes women to blame themself, when 'positivity' has absolutely nothing to do with it. Your neighbour or colleague or sister didn't fall pregnant easier because they were more positive. It is an irresponsible and insensitive thing to say. Of course you are struggling. I'm struggling. So many women in this situation are. Don't beat yourself up for it. It is the last thing you need. It's okay.
Thank you! You are completely right! I honestly wish everyone else in our lives could have the understanding of all of this that we all share! Thank you for your advice it's made me feel much better
Ow, I really feel for you as it’s not as easy as just flicking a switch in your brain… if it were, we would all be super positive all of the time!
I think it gets harder the further into this journey you get, it takes a lot of resilience and strength that you have deep within you but you probably don’t even realise you have or that it’s what keeps driving you forward and for that, you’re amazing.
For me, I’ve learned to accept that I can’t control everything on this journey and when it gets tough, I allow myself to sit with my emotions and I cry them out if I need to. It takes all of my strength and energy to then pick myself up and make a new plan to start again but I do it because I have to, I need to see this through.
With a new plan, I try to see the positives in that. For example, with each new transfer we tried something different and that helped me to hold onto some new hope and feel more positive. I also focus so much on myself and give myself a lot of care when I know I need it most. I do that through sheer self-care and love! I force myself on a walk each morning, I love walking and being in the fresh air. Even on mornings I don’t fancy it, I push myself to put my gym kit on and get out for a walk around the river or park. I then follow a routine that makes me feel better about myself such as my skin care regime; cleansing my skin and using good creams just makes me feel instantly better in myself. I choose to read stories that I can get lost in or watch my favourite comedies (Friends or Modern Family, Sheeks Creek as my go to). I make really nutritious foods that will leave me feeling good and I practice yoga, really getting lost in the moment. I remove other stressors from life where I can because that only brings my mood down.
I’m not saying all of that instantly makes me feel more positive, but it helps prepare me mentally for a new transfer - I know I’ve then done everything I can to go into a new transfer with as much positivity as I can.
With my forth and successful transfer as well, I did something slightly different. I didn’t follow all of the rules. I didn’t drink pom juice every day or eat Brazil nuts, I didn’t wear fluffy socks everyday. I ate healthy but also allowed myself treats if I fancied them. I got out more and did things that bring me joy. I would rub my belly each morning and imagine I was already pregnant, I even named my embryos (risky I know)… but it helped me in a way believe that this could happen. My forth transfer was by far the most physically hardest thing I’ve ever, ever had to do. It’s left me bruised, exhausted, sore but it worked and I’m forever grateful for that. I can’t say why it worked, maybe all the different meds and support being the likely thing but I also felt mentally better than I did prior to any other transfer. I remember the first time I met my new doctor at our new clinic, and she told me not to lose sight of hope because that’s a large part of this journey and I believe she’s right.
So don’t lose sight of hope. Don’t feel like you need to be positive all of the time, you don’t. But find ways to bring yourself joy and that in turn will restore some positivity for you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so so happy for you that you got your happy ending, hope is a powerful thing, and I shall really. Sitting and reading all of these lovely replies has honestly helped me so much, and now when I'm feeling low I have your replies I can read again to boost me up. Thank you!
Oh bless you I pray Allah grants you with all the blessings. Just take your time I think any couple that this has happened to will be hard to remain positive. Say your prayers and try not to stress so much.
If you feel like that have you considered stepping back and take a break for yourself give some you time and then get back into it? We took a year off in between and in the end my partner talked me into the last round, I was completely against it because in my mind I was done after first round. So glad he did!. No point in running on empty if you ain't feeling it. Take a break and come back to it when you are ready and can be more positive about the process.
It's about you in the end, your mental health and how you're feeling.
Oh lovely, it’s so hard to be positive after failed cycles. Its normal to want to prepare yourself for the worst outcome, it’s self preservation. I found counselling really helpful. I also used Zita West meditations. I used to make sure we had something nice to look forward to each week of treatment to keep my mood up. Sometimes it was a simple as a walk in a nearby wood. I also watched a lot of friends, it makes me giggle! Find things that keep your mood positive and happy. Call that friend that always makes you laugh, watch the tv programmes that make you giggle, watch the comedian that makes you belly laugh, take a walk somewhere that gives you nice memories, do things that help you switch off (for me this is cooking and crafty things), plan to do something you’ve not done before (visit that town you’ve always wanted to wander around, go have a hot chocolate in that cafe you’ve not been too yet etc.). Just all small things but they’ll make a difference. I started to keep a positive journal because like you I just would not allow myself to think of a positive outcome. Best of luck, you’ve got this Xx
Hey x I’m in exactly the same situation as you. Just about to start our third cycle and second cycle was worse than the first ☹️We had even changed specialist who is supposed to be the best. He does have a great reputation but anyways we will start a new cycle soon.
After our last BFN I said to myself I was just just going to be super positive going into this cycle. However after speaking to a body therapist who is quite spiritual he said thinking that way only attaches an expectation to the outcome and he sees people going through IVF appear to have better outcomes when they just let what will be be.
I know it’s hard when you want something so badly but I can really understand the meaning behind it and tbh since thinking this way I do feel more relaxed.
Mother Nature will always have the last say at the end of the day.
Thank you, that's really interesting about what the body therapist said. I think I can get to a place of thinking what will be will be, A lot easier than thinking this is definitely going to happen. That's super helpful actually thank you! I wish you all the luck going into your third round too! I hope we both get the result we need
When I started ivf I thought it would work first go.My friend who had done many cycles said to me it was an emotional roller coaster and she was not wrong !
I hope so too that this is our turn 🙏
Do you know when you start stims ?
I haven’t got my new cycle plan yet but thinking I’ll get it next week and start stims in a few weeks
I struggle a bit with this, I'm quite analytical and come from a medial family so I'm aware at each stage the statistics and what the likely outcome is. My partner interprets that as me being negative, but I find it comforting to remember its number game and that ultimate its not down to me if it works or not (aside from the obvious eating healthy not drinking and generally looking after oneself) I don't want to be overly optimistic and then have my hopes dashed I rather be measure in how I approach it.
I so understand where you’re coming from! And reading through all of these lovely replies, I agree with everyone’s advice. People who had never done IVF were criticizing me saying that I should be more excited, but this process is a never ending cycle of grief. And let’s not forget that the hormones we take mess with our brain chemistry and make us even more prone to negative thoughts!! However you feel, whenever you feel it, is exactly right.
I do all the things others have suggested. Therapy, meditation, small pleasures in your day like funny shows or walks on the beach. It all helps. But I still have days where I just feel trapped in my sadness, and on those days I let myself cry and feel it. I journal to help myself get through it. The goal for me now is not to stay positive but to just release and reduce stress, whatever it takes, and to find some joy in my life where I can. I’ve decided to embrace the journey because even if it’s heartbreaking, it’s helping me to grow and appreciate the things in my life that are good. I just remind myself that whatever happens, I will get through it and I will be ok.
I hope that helps! Wishing you all the best!! ♥️♥️♥️
Ivf is a lottery and I think that when clinics say be positive they simply mean: you've got to be in it to win it. If you don't buy your ticket (another cycle with them) you cannot win. After my second failed cycle I allowed myself to be as negative as I needed to be and then I had two much better rounds. I was once recommended this podcast from the happiness lab and it was such a lovely alternative perspective: happinesslab.fm/season-1-ep... Hang in there and take care! Xx
Hi, I absolutely know where you are coming from, I have had those exact same feelings. Before I started my most recent embryo transfer I actually paid for the services of a positivity expert, I was that desperate and couldn't think how I could muster up the energy to start again. But you know what, she was fantastic, and she really, really helped me with my mindset. A lot of the things that we did were similar to what other posters mentioned, mindfulness, meditation, some hypnosis and some therapy. I can send you her details if you want. But what I also did want to say is that this is a completely normal feeling, it is so hard to remain positive. Wishing you all of the luck in the world for this cycle. Xx
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