Just had 4th cycle failed ………. Where do I go from here

[Godmother99]

After a devastating negative hcg result yesterday…… I just don’t know where to go from here …….

My husband doesn’t want to have children unless they are genetically ours ….. so it’s a case of carry out for a couple of cycles or stop now.

My mum rang me this morning to say I should stop ivf and adopt. I think she thinks I am putting my body through too much. But I said to her it’s all very well to say that but if I stop ivf now ….. I will have to live with that decision. Adoption isn’t an option anyway ….. husband doesn’t want to do that.

My age at 45 ….. makes me wonder if anyone other clinic will take me on now because time is running out. Will changing clinics make a difference anyway?

Is there anyone out there in the same boat or understand where I am coming from? X

[Hidden]

Sorry to hear about your failed round.

I am 44, I have 6 rounds behind me and various MC and have had to move to donor eggs. I don't know enough about your story but this was primarily because our embryo's weren't great towards the end and they put this down to old eggs. They were only making morula on day 5.

What is your embryo quality like? if you are making good day 5 blastos I would say keep going if you have it in you. It doesnt get any harder if thats any help xx

[Godmother99 in reply to Hidden]

This last round we made day 5 blastocysts grade 4AA and 3AB so best grades so far. Thanks for your message ……. I will see what consultant says in our chat next. X

[Hidden in reply to Godmother99]

Easy for me to say but I wouldn’t give up quite yet, they are amazing quality for your age and I have so many friends successful on rounds 5/6/7/8/9 and all just down to luck 🤷🏼‍♀️X

[Godmother99 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks that is really reassuring ….. I am sure in a few days when my feelings are not so raw …. I will reassess. It’s good to speak to someone who understands x

[WeeJacs]

Sorry to hear this, have u thought about additional testing? We’ve had 3 attempts now with 1 frozen attempt. 2 miscarriages and 2 BFN. We’re now looking into immune testing before our last attempt on OE, it’s a 3AC so not the best quality xxx

[Godmother99 in reply to WeeJacs]

No to be honest I haven’t thought about other testing. Thanks for that idea. Hope all goes well for your last attempt with OE xx

[Fertilityjourney]

I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work. It's so hard. I think you should have a really honest conversation with your doctor so this helps your expectations.

As the lady said below it's great you're making blastocysts and great grade embryos!

My doctor shared with me today a table that showed for a 42 year old to have a 50% chance of having a baby they need 30 eggs for embryo banking. So I would think this would be the same for non banking IVF! So your 5th cycle could be your lucky one with the golden egg!

I also agree to have immune testing just to make sure everything else is tip top. Wishing you lots of luck Xx

[Godmother99 in reply to Fertilityjourney]

That last statistic was very interesting….. plenty to think about. Thanks for this …… last cycle my dr suggested donor eggs but my husband does not want to consider and while we are making good embryos …… we have some hope at least. X

[Fertilityjourney in reply to Godmother99]

Exactly - if they think your egg quality is still OK then there is definitely hope. 🙏 It might be worth a consultation with another clinic to see what advice they have about your protocol / immune testing and success rates

My friend got pregnant naturally at 45.... It did take her about two years (so more than 24 eggs if you think of it that way) and sadly she had a mc - BUT she got there... And has a beautiful little girl. Xx

[Godmother99 in reply to Fertilityjourney]

Yes it will be interesting to see if any other clinics will take me on at my age. My best friend gave birth naturally at 45 a couple of weeks ago and it’s good to hear about these stories …… gives me hope thanks x

[Fertilityjourney in reply to Godmother99]

💕✨💕✨

[Kmcdon]

I’m in same position - 44 and 4 failed cycles. I have moved to donor eggs so hoping that will be more successful. I think if you don’t want to go down that route, keep trying with your own. Definitely speak to your consultant and see what they say. Would your husband consider donor eggs with his sperm? Then they would be genetically his and you would have carried the baby? All a lot to take in though when you are only just coming to terms with your negative result. Give yourself a few days, speak to your dr and husband and also think about you, what you need or want. Sending lots of love.

[Godmother99 in reply to Kmcdon]

Lovely to hear from you….. thanks. My husband and I had a conversation about it yesterday and for the first time really told me how he felt about this ivf thing. I thought he wasn’t that keen so it was good that he told me that he wanted a little me running around….. was shocked to hear that!

He thinks using a donor egg isn’t necessary at the moment while we are making good embryos and doesn’t want a child that isn’t genetically isn’t mine…. At least he was being honest about his feelings.

Thanks for your message …. A lot to think about xxx

[nT455]

I was in a similar situation like you in that my partner initially said that he did not want to have any children that were not genetically ours. His view really changed after we spoke to his uncle who said we should try everything possible to have our family, surrogacy, donors, adoption etc. It got me thinking that the main worry of my partners was the fear of what people would say. Once he got past that he's now more accepting of having egg donors. It's important for us that the egg donor has similar features. We're waiting to do one last fresh cycle and then have one frozen. After that we're moving on to egg donation in Spain. Perhaps if you're partner discussed it with his family and got their support he might be more receptive to using egg donors. But definitely try with your own eggs if you are able to get some embryos. My problem is that I get so few that there jus isn't much point spending money on it. Hope this helps!

[Godmother99 in reply to nT455]

Yes this message really helps …… some concerns of mine with egg donation is getting an Indian egg donor and time factor too….. just my musings. I wonder if my husband will talk to his family about it ……. Can only try xx

[Hopefulat44]

I hear you all what you say. I am 44 and just started my first ivf cycle (natural pregnancy and child born when I was 40). I have no idea how things turn out for us but I have because of age already considering that maybe donor eggs would be our chance. Because success rate jumps from currently 2-5% to 45-50% !The issue with child not be genetically mine but is my husband’s….I have read quite many research articles on this for how families cope emotionally. I think its made up a bigger deal than it actually is. We are often faced with blood transfusions and other tissue donations, see the egg donation as a tissue donation. If you carry the child then the cells will exchange between the mother and the baby and stay in us forever. So the child is yours! And you will carry them. There is unfortunately so much stigma about this topic but if you think about that you will carry the child, they will be yours.

I am likely in the same boat so have for the last few weeks had to seriously consider what my ivf journey may be like and sharing what I am discovered how to handle it mentally🙏

I suggest searching for those studies where mothers have them interviewed and you will see what I mean. Adopting altogether is a completely different area so I cant really compare these two.

[Godmother99 in reply to Hopefulat44]

Thanks …. You bring up some valid and sensible points and donor egg is my husbands issue not mine. I had an honest conversation with him last night and we might do 2 more cycles and then see what happens. And take it from there. He will support me what ever I decide.

Thank you for your message and hope all goes well for you xx

[Hopefulat44 in reply to Godmother99]

I wish you all the best and success too! It’s an emotional journey and whatever you do is the right decision for you and your husband. The odds do increase with more cycles.Anybody interesting in listening to short but extremely good podcast about ivf and options and many questions we all have, I highly recommend the ivf podcast by Professor Michael Chapman. He is in Australia and has extensive experience and is widely recognised for his expertise. I had listened almost half of his currently over 200 episodes by the time we started and it has significantly cut down on questions that I wanted to ask our consultant because Prof Chapman is incredibly to the point and great with how he explains things as well. Hope you will find topics there that will interest you. All episodes are between 10-15 min so very easy to listen.

[Godmother99 in reply to Hopefulat44]

That’s very interesting…… will have a little listen to this when I can thanks xx

[Beeper1]

Hi Godmother99, I read you message and felt like I could have written it myself.

I'm 45, and have been trying for 6 years. We've just had our 4th transfer fail ( 1 x missed miscarriage + 3 failed transfers), which we were gutted about. Especially on this last round where we had 2 5AA's put back, and 2 more were good enough to freeze. I was sure that this had to be the one, but then we thought that on our last round, where the results were nearly as good. I'm as healthy as I can be, my thyroid issue is under control (which developed as a result of the pregnancy that ended up with a missed miscarriage), I even started immunotherapy for this round.

I'm also reluctant to go to donor egg whilst I'm still producing decent enough blastos, and as my husband says, at my age its very much a numbers game. Plus, I have the same concerns as you about finding an Indian egg donor & the time factor. But like you, my husband is supportive of whatever route we choose to go down (trying again/adoption/no kids), but I don't feel in my heart that its over yet.

Sorry this isn't a more helpful or positive reply, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk, I feel like we are in the same boat.