When you & your OH differ on treatments

[lnf17]

Let me start this by saying my OH is the most patient, understanding…how has he stuck by me…person there is!

There is no-one I could’ve had by my side, put up with the mood swings, but him.

It’s just the further we get into this journey, the more we are beginning 2 differ. We’re on nhs funding & after 2 failed implantations, we are getting no advice/suggestions on things 2 change.

I feel when I do research there are other options under private. I want to do a private consultation while we wait 4 our nxt FET but my other half feels it’s a waste of money. I know he will do it if I push but I feel like we’re hitting the point where ivf is coming between us.

I had never considered ivf would be something until we had our miscarriage but I don’t want it 2 consume us.

Does anyone else ever wonder…is this worth it?? Or is that maybe why it won’t happen? 😕xxx

[Ivfgotadream]

To be honest I would have put IVF and having a baby over my DH any day and pretty much did - I made all the decisions about what where when and he just had to turn Up for his 3 minutes in a side room! I don’t think men necessarily “get it” and certainly don’t feel the age pressure like we do - their sperm is good well into their 70s compared to our eggs mostly tapping out by 45

I think seeing a private clinic in the interim is a good move - that way you have a back up plan and feel like you have some control over what you are going through? I always planned 2 steps ahead - it was the only way I could cope.

Unfortunately IVF and infertility is all consuming and most marriages/partnerships will feel the strain at some point and many don’t make it through the process. Be honest with each other - even if you can’t do it face to face write it down x

[Hidden]

I agree with ivfgotadream I would try a private consultation just so you feel things are progressing if nothing else

If it’s any help my OH throughout this process (5 years worth nearly six) has always taken the ‘trust in the process and doctors, don’t question, don’t push for more’ type attitude.. I think it’s probably because they are quite removed from what we are going through. Let’s face it you don’t see many men on this forum, they rock up to the clinic .. do their business and then hold our hands during transfer! They just aren’t as invested. I don’t mean they don’t want children as much as we do but their brains work differently which can make things quite challenging at times

Good luck xx

[JoyfulStar]

The thing about OH’s is that they think very differently to us and in my opinion it takes time to really explain or get to a place you are both happy with.

My approach will be to better understand why he thinks it is a waste of money? Money for private consultation is a drop in the ocean compared to the emotional toll of going through another failure. If you can take some time to explain why you think it is worth the small investment then perhaps you can bring him along.

Also, exploring a plan b if this next FET fails is a conversation worth having. Are you both willing to give up or actually go down the private route? If you decide to go down the private route, will there be regret that you did not explore this sooner?

My OH and I never had the option of a NHS cycle so after our first failure we agreed how much we were willing to invest and what our plan b was as you always need to be hopeful but realistic.

I hope you both figure this out and it works out for you both 🙏🏾

[McQueeny]

Agree with the others here. My OH was very supportive, but his general attitude was ‘we’re doing what we’ve been told to do which means we’re doing all there is to do and we can’t do anything more’. Which is not quite true. He never wanted to know any technical details, just wanted to know what actions he/we needed to take…. Whereas I obsessed about all the details and what more I could learn and what more I could do! It’s just different for men.

Personally, like has been said here, if I had to choose between hubby and baby it would be baby every time - but that’s very personal, and you may not feel that way and that’s ok too…. IVF is a really tough process and it can break a couple, so you need to work on the relationship , keep your communication open and find a way to get through it together - if that’s what you both want.

I agree that a private consult is a good idea, to at least talk about options - the reality with the NHS is that they calculate each potential action/treatment based on thresholds , value for money, how much it will help a whole group of patients and how many patients they can offer it to - privately you can choose to pay for things that the NHS can’t justify funding. So at least you’ll know what options are open to you, and then decide whether it’s a route you want to go down? Then if the private consult says the same as the NHS at least you know it’s the right course of action…

Good luck xx

[6yrsincounting]

This is a hard one. As others say, no matter how supportive husband is they don't ever truly understand. Tbh my husband and I separated over the baby issue. He wasn't supporting me emotionally and didn't want to try IVF and so I let him. We separated for a year and dated for 6months before getting back together as a married couple, which for us was the best thing. We work hard to communicate on every level and though my husband doesn't always understand, and he admits this, he will go with what I want as he now truly understands how important this is, not just to me but to him as well.

Sit down and talk to your husband about this and ask him t go along with this as it is worth the extra money. Knowing that you have done everything, that you are able to and have control over, helps with the this emotional roller coaster of a ride. Good luck

[Running79]

I’m incredibly lucky, my husband sits and listens to what’s happening or what I’ve researched, if he feels it necessary he will give an opinion, if he doesn’t he won’t!

I’ve done all the research, appointments and planning but I think that’s just how woman are, men are not like that. My husband just needs to be told you are here on this date - maybe it’s an age thing I’m not sure

After our first two failed rounds we were both in agreement that we would use a known donor egg, as mine were clearly useless - we are 18 weeks now, so it was the best decision

So the only thing I have to sort out is the scan appointments so he can be there.

[leo1980]

I echo the sentiments of the ladies. Men just don’t get it they way we want them too. I send my husband a diary invite so he will be where I need him to be! And if I need a half listening ear- which I am sure it’s all I get when it comes to IVF - I get him a dinner time!

The cost of a consultation at a private clinic is still far cheaper than doing the same thing on another round and the result not being any better and then to scrape up funds to go private; the eggs are aging, tine is flying by and the emotional rage… just pay the £400 or whatever get a fresh perspective!

We are a bunch of very strong women aren’t we?