I’m not ok...and for the first time, that’s ok - Welcome to burn out - who else?

[KTgirl]

Hi - I think I may be arriving at ‘Burn Out’ city.

We’ve been on this rollercoaster ride for over 3 and a half years, with 3 (possibly 4) losses along the way.

Our 2nd EC came around yesterday - our first round in November (mild ivf using icsi) produced promising numbers (8/9 mature eggs and 8/8 fertilising) but none made to freeze.

Since then we implemented some changes - a course of Chinese herbs, working with a urologist who helped us try and treat causes for elevated sperm dna fragmentation with antibiotics and cooling packs (😅), a nutritionist who helped us amend diets and introduced a supplement plan. This is on top of years of acupuncture, kinesiology, therapy etc.

I appreciate it’s only been a few months since the changes - and 5 months since the last round - but you kind of hope that the extra input will give you a better output.

This cycle has given us 4/6 mature eggs with 2/4 fertilised normally.

I know it’s still something to work with and we won’t know until Day 3 what the quality of those 2 guys are.

But today I really feel the epic weight of it all and the saboteur voice that’s been with me since I was (strange but true) 19 yrs old, is in full swing.

This has impacted my work, my friendships, my social life, my bank balance, my self confidence, my relationship. Its in this moment that I fully see just how much we have been through.

Of course the notion of ‘quality not quantity’ still holds weight - and this time we used picsi as an extra measure for sperm selection.

But I suppose the idea it could be a zero again, even after these extras, feels like it’s just ...too much.

So I guess what I’m saying is that for the first time I really want to cry out ‘no, I don’t have hope’ and be totally ok with that. I surrender. And that feels like a bit of a relief.

I understand that people will want to tell me to still hope - but this breakdown sort of feels necessary, not dramatic.

So this is for anyone who feels like they’ve been in this place - maybe you came out the other side, or maybe, like me, you see it on your horizon and cannot shift the inevitability of it all.

It’s ok not to be ok ❤️

[Mai94]

So open and so honest, from a complete stranger .. I’m so proud of you! For letting yourself not be okay.

Breaking it down actually helps I think, helps you to digest it all and actually recognise what you have been through because until you do that I don’t think you can truly process it and then in turn deal with it (however that may be).

Be proud of yourself! X

[soccerkt6]

The lovely thing about this community is that we're all here for you for as long as you're not okay. And when you are okay again, we'll be there for that, too.

It sounds like you're treating yourself kindly in the midst of all the not-okayness and that's the best any of us can do.

Sending you so much love xx

[soccerkt6]

PS - Thank you for the eloquent reminder that sometimes we need to hear messages of hope and sometimes we need to just sit quietly with the uncomfortable feelings this process brings up and acknowledge how much they hurt xx

[Lisichka]

I can relate to your post so well! I remember feeling like this so often on this journey. It’s almost like I could draw a line in my life between before IVF and after. It really changed me and just like you say, it affected every single area of my life - friendships, work, relationships. It felt like my life was on hold, I was always waiting, waiting for a transfer, for the result, or just in between, waiting to get over the sadness of yet another fail.

Last June we were embarking on the second round after a 7 week miscarriage, a bfn and then two chemicals with two embryos each. I was hopeful, but just like you, the perspective of it not working out again absolutely terrified me. I did Chinese herbs, supplements and lots of other stuff (like ERA, genetic testing etc etc). But what if all of those things wouldn’t make a difference and, once again, Ill be devastated?

In September last year we were ready for FET and the week before transfer it was my husband’s 40th birthday and I thought back to all the times over the last two years when I was worried about foods/drinks impacting the round, of all the missed fun times, and decided that I’ll party with everyone and not worry about anything. If it’s meant to be it’ll happen. We had a great time and transfer happened 6 days after. And it finally worked! 5th transfer, 7th embryo.

I haven’t given birth yet and can’t say that the pregnancy was complication-free, my old fears keep creeping in but I’m trying to just go with the flow of things.

You do have hope, the odds are in your favour, keep faith. It’ll happen! Wishing you so so much luck xxxx

[KTgirl]

Thank you for all the replies to my post.Yesterday was a really challenging one and I’m still very much in the bitter sweet throws of no hope.

But the messages of empathy, solidarity and yes, also encouragement not to lose hope is very much appreciated ❤️

[Haf05]

There's a real catharsis to these kind of moments, though of course it doesn't feel like it at the time (because they feel utterly rubbish - that's kinda the point). It's not for everyone, but I recently found myself listening to Alain de Botton and, though I don't agree with everything he says, I do find his take on things like "hope" to be refreshing and freeing. Your post brought it to mind.

[KTgirl in reply to Haf05]

Thanks Haf05, I will certainly check him out!