I’m thinking about ending IVF and accepting not having a biological child. We have done many rounds now and whilst I’m considering another clinic I’m also looking for help in transitioning to a different path.
Are there people on here who are in a similar boat? How do you handle it?
Whenever I think about this I end up in floods of tears and yet I feel like I’m in limbo without making a decision one way or the other.
Kindly, I’m not looking for ‘don’t give up hope’ messages. I need practical advice on the emotional aspect of transitioning to life afte fertility treatment.
Xxx
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Lily4yrttc
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Hi, I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. It’s such a tough journey. There was a post about this topic recently. I’ve copied the info from the post for you below. Good luck with whatever path you choose. Xx
sensitive…This message is about moving on from treatment.
An increasing number of people are reaching the end of their reproductive window without having the children they wished for.
Substantial research shows that adjusting to this can be challenging, as people often undergo a grief process.
If you are thinking about moving on from fertility treatment, or thinking ‘what now?’ then you may find the following information session beneficial.
My Journey information session
Tuesday 23rd March. 7PM
If you have not been able to have the children you wished for, please join us on Tuesday 23rd March to learn more about My Journey.
My Journey is a self-help interactive programme that provides step-by-step support to ease acceptance of an unfulfilled wish for children. Join us to hear Sofia Gameiro, Senior Lecturer, School of Psychology at Cardiff University, discuss this research-based intervention and how you can get involved.
This is an informal meeting and will take place via Zoom. You can just listen in if you want, there is no pressure to speak. You can keep your camera off too. Register by emailing alice@fertilitynetworkuk.org You will be sent the link to join the day before.
One of my family members was exactly the same she made the joint decision to adopt early last year. It’s taken her about 10 months so far from first contacting her local council but she now has a gorgeous little boy who she took home in her arms when he just 4 days old. He is absolutely gorgeous and perfect and the whole family adores him. She did say looking back she wishes she had made this decision sooner. Wishing you my thoughts and best wishes for the future ❤️❤️❤️
Having had 3 failed cycles, hubby and I have decided to to one last go. I haven't managed to convince him to do anymore, so I am contemplating life without children of my own. I have 2 step children and feel this has impacted on hubbies decision to not want to carry on after this last go.
Every time I even think about it, it makes me very tearful so avoid thinking about it. Problem with me is avoidance because I'm scared to think about it, but it is starting to feel more like a reality that I'm going to be one chosen not to have children of my own.
I have spoken to our fertility counsellor about it with hubby there and to be honest she sided alot with him. So wasn't much help. We are seeing counsellor tonight to discuss things. We avoid talking about it unless it's counseling as it does get heated.
I would advise talking to a counsellor, maybe on your own. I think I'm going to have to do this. How's your hubby about it all?
Adoption has been spoken about but no decisions made yet.
Thankyou for your message Charlie. I am the same. I avoid thinking about it to avoid the tears but then they very quickly come out in all the wrong places. I have asked for counselling but I have not set anything up yet. My husband is supportive of anything I want to do, but this has the downside of feeling alone in the decision making.
Sorry to read this, I am also in a similar position and the 'miracle' stories actually really upset me these days, I am trying to get my head around the fact I won't be that miracle rather than looking for false hope.. I guess there is a time and a place for them
I have done several things. I referred myself to Talking Therapies via the NHS, mainly because I collapsed in tears halfway through a smear test recently and the nurse there told me I had loads of bottled up grief I needed to deal with. Turns out there was grief, anger, jealousy you name it.. but it really helped talking to someone impartial about it.
Second thing I did was read a book called Living the life unexpected which is about getting your head around the fact you may never have children and I found really helpful. I have to admit I haven't finished the book yet but the chapters I read were really useful.
Thirdly I have spent a LOT of time focusing on what I can do in a life without children versus with children.. which has really helped me. I think when doing IVF etc its so relentless and there is this elite group of people who get their BFPs and go on to be Mums and it just feels like thats the ONLY thing that you can do. Sometimes when you step back you realise that actually 1 in 5 women don't end up having children and they go on to have a very happy fulfilled life so it is possible
Fourth I came off this forum for a few months, it made me realise I just thought about TTC all day every day, and I was constantly being teased with these miracle BFPs or first round IVF BFPs and whilst I was always pleased each one hurt just a little bit more.
Its a cliche but time has really helped me. I am not fixed yet by any means and still toying with the idea of donor but I feel like I have managed to escape the 'if I can't have children I don't want to carry on' darkness I was in previously xx
Thankyou for the book’s recommendation Daisy. My GP referred me to talking therapies but I haven’t done anything about it yet. It’s the depression and avoiding it. I do have glimpses of that darkness of not wanting to be here but I’m mostly ok and much better since hubby and I agreed the next step after IVF will be to try to adopt (and I’m very naive but I can’t see a reason we couldn’t do that).
I don’t read this forum much already for the reasons you say. Where is the forum for the women deciding to move on? I’m good knowing I could have a happy child free life but it’s really not what I want.
I feel like because we are unexplained infertile, every month is another round of grief so unless I start to go down another path (adoption) I will have a perennial feeling of hope which is getting crushed each time. I don’t know if I can do that until menopause comes.
I hear you. We are unexplained too except for 'old eggs' and yet my AMH is good for my age and I have friends who are in a lot worse shape than I am and have managed to have children. Every month I still hope for a miracle x
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