Family Gatherings

[Pink_Penguin01]

We have been TTC for just under 3 years. We got a engaged in March this year with our wedding booked for next April. So we kind of expected a few comments about babies (which has happened) but this afternoon has knocked me for 6.

My fiancé’s brother said in front of the whole family “after the wedding you can get pregnant with the next generation “.

I even ignored it but he thought I hadn’t heard so he said it twice more.

Then his sister (who has two kids) said jokingly “I wouldn’t recommend it” then added “I bet that is your next plan”.

We haven’t told them that we are TTC so they meant nothing by it but I’m still left feeling upset.

I know I haven’t asked a question but I needed a pace to vent.

[Hope76]

I too had comments like these until I decided to tell close family & friends we were going through IVF. I feel like for me it was for the best as figured it was upsetting me. For example my mum once said you better hurry up & have kids before your younger brother as ‘well the first grandchild is always special’. That really stung..... I think my family genuinely thought we were just being lazy about it. Now however they are very supportive & understand our issues.

I do feel people need to be mindful but I think it’s just human nature to make these sorts of comments. I know personally having had fertility issues I would always be mindful of similar comments to childless couples x

[Pink_Penguin01 in reply to Hope76]

My younger sister has a 5 year old which has kind of added to the pressure as it “she’ll have her second before you have even got started”.

In my head I’m shouting “we’d have a 2 year old if things had gone our way” but I know they aren’t to know.

Before we started trying I’ve been guilty of the “weddings then babies” thoughts so I don’t blame them in any way. But I’m still so upset and I know it’s sounds silly to most people but it really hit me tonight. My fiancé knew instantly how upset I was

[Hope76 in reply to Pink_Penguin01]

Am sure if they knew they would be more sensitive. I understand though if you have chosen not to tell them. Only thing I can suggest is getting your fiancé to have a quiet word with his side of the family.

I used to always answer ‘maybe one day’. What I find now is questions about when we are getting married. ‘Do you think you will ever get around to it’ ? I just reply ‘ we decided not to mix IVF with wedding plans’ that soon shuts them up 😂. At first I tried to hide it but am actually very open and upfront with friends and family now as I just feel if anyone should be ashamed it is them for their insensitive remarks x

[Lovemylion]

OMG. Been there. I often used to come away from a gathering in tears due to jokey, insensitive or probing comments about having children. I agree with the other poster about eventually telling close fam and friends.....it was nice to have a close knit support network and emotionally it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders when we told them about our IVF journey. Subject of children was generally avoided and they were there for support when it failed and when it was eventually successful.

I distinctly remember being grilled as to why I didn’t have children on a training event by this group I had to work with......and then they went on to talk about how great all their kids were and it’s something I better get on with as I’m not getting any younger. I didnt know whether to punch them or cry.....I did neither and just did the particularly British thing And just sat there, forced a half smile (more of a grimace) and gave vague answers ....and just took it. Now id like to think I’d tell them how insensitive and rude their probing was. Basically asking me “when are gonna have sex?” You’ll get through it and does help to have a small support network! Xxx

[Stato]

Hi there, I find it easier to tell people roughly what’s going on. No conversations in large groups, but one to one helps.

The generation thing struck me though. We have nephews and nieces ranging from 31 to 3 years old. Our eldest great nephew is already 10 years old (plus we have 5 others)! We only met four years ago, but I still feel embarrassed about it.

Maybe the youngest grandchild will also be special?! In reality I know they all are.

Just wish we didn’t have to deal with all this external pressure as well as going through the IVF rollercoaster.

I do hope your luck changes soon. X 🤗

[Pink_Penguin01 in reply to Stato]

We’ve had some one to one conversations with friends but we felt that with his parents they might think fertility treatment means an imminent baby, if that makes sense.

His siblings kids and so do mine. We’ve been together 7 years and we are used to some level of questions but adding marriage into the mix seems to have upped the level of questioning.

We’re telling more people, especially close friends. I’m thinking about telling someone I work with. I think it might help having someone from each ‘circle’ that knows just so I feel a little less lonely in it all.

We are early stages in the journey having recently been referred to the clinic so it’s going to be a very long road.

[Stato in reply to Pink_Penguin01]

Great idea. Someone wrote a blog about fertility at work this week. It was called “don’t sit in that chair, everyone who sits there gets pregnant”! I’ve heard that before and it choked me. There were loads of supportive comments. A phrase recently used was “fertility is loud, infertility is quiet”. Having someone you can say “ouch, that hurts” to is really helpful. My boss told me to just drop off calls and blame Internet connect if I need to. X

[Pink_Penguin01 in reply to Stato]

Oh my goodness, yes! I’ll have to look it up. I’ve heard something very similar. I’ve had a comment from someone known for insensitivity saying they had expected me to have already have had maternity leave by now.

Over the last few weeks my boss has had an eye on me and asked if I’m ok a couple of times, I’ve chickened out of telling him but I think it would help me

[VMJ007]

Thanks for posting this.

I never thought - after 15 years of being with my darling husband - (met him when I was 23 years old) that we would be the “last” couple without kids.

It’s like musical chairs. Never did I ever think I’d be the one.

Stay strong. We’re in this together. x