I have just found out that our 8 week old embryo isn't viable. It feels so strange that the pregnancy I have hoped for for so long, seems to be continuing but my baby has no heartbeat. I have been offered medical or surgical procedures to remove the pregnancy but I am scared to put my body through any more trauma? This is our second unsuccessful ICSI cycle and I am 42 so time is already against me.
My husband is the strong silent type and I know he is grieving too but he refuses to talk about any of this. I can't help feeling that if he had let me start the process of getting help sooner (it is my husband that has reduced fertility) then the clock wouldn't be so much against us. I tried for 10 years to persuade him to go to the doctor and I got all the tests done for me, that I could which came back clear. My GP said I couldn't do any more on my own last April by which time I was past 40 and we have to finance fertility treatment ourselves. I know ws need time to grieve but right now the future is so uncertain. Do we do more ICSI with the financial and emotional rollercoaster? Can I persuade my husband to consider adoption, which he has refused to talk about before? Do I leave my marriage and look for ways of having the family I crave without him?
The worst part is that we only gave each other. My husband does not want anyone to know we are trying or that we have fertility issues so I cannot talk to family or friends and I feel like I am lying to everyone close to me.
We had our scan on Friday, today has been a bad day so far so apologies, but I am feeling lost and alone today and our fertility clinic is closed apart from the emergency doctor, so I don't know where else to turn for help?
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PurpleOctober
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I’m so sorry your going through this. It’s so cruel to finally get that BFP and have it snatched away. I know all to well how you feel and having recently lost my little girl just short of 22 weeks, it’s still very raw.
I couldn’t get through this without the support of my family & friends, so I feel awful for you having to suffer in alone in silence ❤️Do you have a family member of friend you can confide in and ask them not to tell your husband, so it doesn’t cause any friction? I really think it would help if you could speak to someone close to you aswell as on here.
I think it happens a lot when the fertility issue is due to the man that they would rather keep it quiet, but this shouldn’t be the case and he would probably benefit from talking to others in a similar situation.
With my previous miscarriages they just happened without any intervention, so I can’t advise you on this but have the hospital said anything about how long you might have to wait for nature to take it’s course? The prolonging of anything like this is just torture you poor thing. I’m always here for a chat if you ever need to vent. Sending lots of love 💕xX
I have thought about talking to a friend, but it felt like I would be betraying my husband? I have told him I don't mind him confusing in one of his sister's or a close friend but he seems to think he doesn't need to talk to anyone?
I'm going to try and get an appointment with the clinic counsellor when they open again tomorrow.
I have to go to our local hospital in 2 weeks for another scan to confirm that the embryo has died and to see if the yolk sac etc are still there. So far I haven't bled and I feel just the same as before, a little nauseous and a tiny bit crampy? I am still being careful and as if pregnant with my supplements and precautions, just in case there is a glimmer of a chance that the embryo was just a bit behind, but still ok. We've never had a heartbeat, I can't imagine how much tougher it would be to hear a heartbeat and then have it disappear again. My heart goes out to all of you that have lost your babies. I can only hope that 2019 is going to be a better year for all of us.
Hi PurpleOctober. Infertility is a lonely place, however close a couple are. Often there is only each other to confide in at times such as this, easier said than done. Good to confide in a close friend or relative if available. I was pleased to read you intend to contact the counsellorcat the clinic. However, there is a charity called the British Infertility Counselling Association who deal with all types of fertility problems and relationships around them. There is a charge, but it might be an idea to have a look at their website bica.net and see how they can help you just now. If you want, you can call me on the Support Line 0121 323 5025 Monday, Wednesday and Friday 10.00am - 4.00pm. Not back until Wednesday though. All I can say now, is that I shall be thinking of you. Diane
I'm so sorry to hear this. Infertility is so unfair and why all of us live in fear long after the BFP.
I hope you do manage to get some support and it's important you do have people to talk to. I don't shout it from the rooftops that I'm having fertility issues but do have a select few friends and family that I discuss it with. I also attend counselling with my husband. Without all this I would go crazy. It is hard if one if you is the 'issue' so to speak so I expect your husband feels a lot of shame that he is concealing.
I hope you find a way through this with your husband and you both get the help you need to cone to terms with what has happened. Wishing you lots of luck in your next steps xx
I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through, my heart breaks for you. I’m very open about our ivf so have support around me, but actually very few of the people I confide in actually understand.
I attended a couple of support group meetings via my clinic in the early days of my infertility troubles, and actually made a group of solid friends who are all in the same situation. We all speak daily on WhatsApp, meet up every couple of months, and have been there for each other through a number of miscarriages and failed cycles. Perhaps this would be a good way to get support for you that your husband may feel more comfortable with, as they aren’t your normal friends and family so you can still stay private in that respect. There are support groups around the country that meet in person.
This is heartbreaking. I can only imagine what you are going through. Hope ans pray you find the support you so need (one way or the other) theres a few good suggestions above.
I really really hope 2019 is the year for you. Your OH sounds like he is not coping. 10 years is a long time i can appreciate why you feel the way you do. Hope he comes round to seeking support so you guys can be there for each other.
I think it's really unfair of your husband to not want you to talk with anyone. Sure he might feel ashamed or embarrassed, but everyone needs to deal with this difficult situation in their own way and you might need more support and people to talk with. There are some great suggestions here from forum members about how to seek that support without upsetting your OH too much.
And of course share things here.... It can be extremely helpful.
Much love to you xx
I’m so sorry your going through this I too am waiting for confirmation I went at 9w for a scan they thought as the sac was abnormal we’d definitely mc did hcg they had risen over 4 days thought could be ectopic then scanned again saw a yolk sac now the 2w wait. I haven’t had any fertility treatment and can get pregnant fairly quickly so u having to have treatment then losing must be extra extra hard and not having anyone to talk to seriously that would break me emotionally. Sending love 💕 x
I had the same thing happen to me in October and it’s terrible.
On top of all that my dad died the same time which totally sucks.
Time is a healer and in the new year I’m willing to try again - but it’s a lot to process for both parties.
My husband is also the strong silent type and hates that ppl know about our struggle - they only know because I can’t hold it all in and for me not to talk - well I think it would be an injustice to myself :).
I’m not the only girl to go through it and I am surprised at the stories of other people’s struggles - once they know of mine. It seems like it’s so easy for everyone at times - but it’s really not and whether they choose to share it you’re not alone and there are plenty of us out there in which we look perfectly normal/beautiful young or older but we are all in the same boat dreaming of the same dream xx
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