Please don’t judge me: Please don’t... - Fertility Network UK

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Please don’t judge me

Still_hopeful_88
Still_hopeful_88

Please don’t judge me for this posting, but I’m looking for some advice?

How do you survive a baby shower when undergoing gruelling fertility treatments and operations?

At the weekend I attempted to be brave and shared a part of my story with friends who will also be attending the shower so they could understand the depth of emotions involved here.

Their response? “You’re young and have still got options at least”

Gee thanks, I feel so much better now.

62 Replies
oldestnewest

Bless ya hun. Do what's, best for you if the thought of it's, causing to much anxiety already. Don't go you don't, have to you could send a prezzi and card and leave it at that.

There's so much ignorance around fertility problems not everyone understands hun. Look after you my love don't survive it don't go. I wouldn't

😘💝

So much ignorance. As it’s my partners best friends wife I think he’ll be raging with me if I don’t put a face on and go.

Not fair at all, iv just read she's been through ivf too but has quickly forgotten how it all feels. I hate this baby shower stuff American rubbish. This is such a difficult one hun. When is it? Can you not talk to hubby and let him know how much this is affecting you and that you maybe able to pull a sicky? Xxxx

Hey

Just wanted to say nobody judges you for your thoughts on here! Everyone goes through similar things!

If it helps I went to my friends baby shower at the weekend and it was incredibly tough but I tried to as much as possible think about other things and remind myself what’s good in my life.

I also was stressing about it for ages but actually the reality wasn’t as bad as I thought. Do you have a close friend who is going who you can confide in who isn’t going to say inappropraite things. My friend came with me and said if you need any time out then find a quiet spot. She gets it but not too sure many people do.

If can’t do any of the above then maybe decide how much this person means to you. If not then maybe just send a present and your apologies. I’m sure it will be fine and you have to look after yourself at the end of the day.

Thanks

Claire

It’s my partners best mates wife so not a close friend on my side. (If that makes sense)

What annoys me most is that she too has struggled and this is an ivf baby. But she seems to have forgotten all that and can’t seem to empathise with my feelings despite only being here recently herself. As far as she’s concerned it worked for them so if I just stay positive it will work for me and my better half.

Wow honestly I can’t believe that. Surely she would understand more than anyone. Maybe have a word with your partner and explain how difficult it is for you to go and then make your excuses! Not worth the stress! Claire

There's a woman at my work who had her first baby through IVF. She now has 3 and she seems to have completely forgotten what it's like...It feels like a complete slap in the face with a punch in the stomach at the same time as she knew we were struggling when she announced her first pregnancy.

It's pretty horrible x

Hidden
Hidden

Has it already happened?

I have a strict no shower policy!

And I am now pregnant after struggling with my fertility and I still hate the bloody things.

I make excuses and avoid.

Xxx

Still_hopeful_88
Still_hopeful_88
in reply to Hidden

Shower is at the end of the month. Only just had the invite. I feel really anxious about it and wondered if I was alone in dealing with this. X

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Still_hopeful_88

No you are not alone. Honestly I think the anxiety beforehand is the worst. Maybe if you make the decision early not to attend it might relieve some stress?

You have to make the final decision and whatever is right for you. Be sure your friend if the shoe was on the other foot she would give an excuse.

Every few days someone posts this problem on this forum so don't feel bad at all.

Xxx

Still_hopeful_88
Still_hopeful_88
in reply to Hidden

Thank you for making me feel less alone. I’m hoping to have a positive meeting with my shiny new consultant before then, (still waiting on appointment coming through), if that happens I might be more okay with going. If it doesn’t, or ends up with more bad news in appointment I genuinely don’t think I could hack a shower.

I don’t think I survive a baby shower easily! It’s more of an endurance thing and I only do it for really close friends, otherwise I make excuses and avoid at all cost!

Do what feels right for you, if you are dreading it and it will upset you then just send a card/pressie and make up an excuse xx

Hidden
Hidden

I would make my excuses and send a gift. You don’t have to put yourself in a position where others are cooing and fawning over baby things when your heart and body aches for your own child. Put yourself first and take care of your mental health. I was once told “you are young why would you want a baby?” aged 28 having tried for a year by a Doctor. The following year someone said “well...having kids isn’t everything” and only this Saturday (embryo transfer day) my husband was asked “what? No baby? Your wife is just focussed on her career!”

Bottom line hun...MAKE YOURSELF A PRIORITY and send a gift. Best of luck with your treatment and hope before long you have good news to share. P.S I hate baby showers, what guarantee is there that you will end up with a baby? I once (before my infertility) went to a baby shower and a week later the baby was born as a stillborn. Silly transatlantic tradition.

AllWeNeedIsluv
AllWeNeedIsluv
in reply to Hidden

So hate peoples ignorance! Sorry you and your husband, have, dealt with, these ignorant, arses too!!! Agree with you whole heartedly. Baby showers are, ridiculous. 😘💝

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv

Glad I am not the only one! 😋 Agree totally. Xxx

AllWeNeedIsluv
AllWeNeedIsluv
in reply to Hidden

Bloody stupid. They are what happened to celebrating when the baby arrives ?? 😘💝

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv

Yeah lol! I was once told “go and see the doctor” my reply “I think if I had the doctors baby my husband would be very upset!” 😂😂😂

AllWeNeedIsluv
AllWeNeedIsluv
in reply to Hidden

😂😂😂😂 that's just a great reply. Shame on them for saying that, love it!!!! 👍xxx

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv

It’s just horrific, it’s no one else’s business! “Go see the doctor”. Ughgh I wish I was smart enough to have done that...I will go right now! 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

AllWeNeedIsluv
AllWeNeedIsluv
in reply to Hidden

It's true. Ppl interfere when really not needed and then when we need support no one gives a 💩. This world and society baffle me 😘💝

Hydromermaid-1
Hydromermaid-1
in reply to Hidden

I agree. I didn’t want one in case it jinxed my pregnancy plus I don’t like being centre of attention x

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Hydromermaid-1

It must’ve been so awful for her to have the stuff in the house! My family only ever buy the two changes of clothing and essentials until the baby is born- when it’s ready to come home the cot etc is bought.

AllWeNeedIsluv
AllWeNeedIsluv
in reply to Hidden

All my stuff for my boy is being stored at my mums, I don't have nothing at home for him it scares me. Plus God forbid if he did come early. My other half would set everything up before we got home.

Xx

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv

I wont let my mum knit anything until after the baby is born. She is itching to get knitting.

I am too superstitious.

Xxx

AllWeNeedIsluv
AllWeNeedIsluv
in reply to Hidden

It's scary isn't it. Xx

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv

I think as IVF mum’s we become very cautious and who can blame us xx

AllWeNeedIsluv
AllWeNeedIsluv
in reply to Hidden

Hun I'm not an ivf mum. But I get it totally, iv learnt so much on this forum, iv suffered recurrent loss and I'm full of fear 💝

😘

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv

Aww... I hadn’t read your background. Best wishes xxx

AllWeNeedIsluv
AllWeNeedIsluv
in reply to Hidden

I would have had to go down ivf route had I not managed to clear my tubes. Thanks hun.

Best wishes to you too hun 😘💝

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv

I’m told that my tubes are blocked too. Also, I had a septum, endometriosis spots, cysts on ovaries, one on my Fallopian tube and some swelling. Xx

AllWeNeedIsluv
AllWeNeedIsluv
in reply to Hidden

Iv got endo too. They didn't or couldn't tell me why my tubes were blocked but I researched and realized it's either endo or from my section, I came across an enzyme called serrapeptase and started taking it three months later after 3 years of trying we conceived but kept loosing, then they found I have a clotting disorder which is high risk for loss so doing a trial and injecting cleaxane. Feeling very greatful to have got this far.

You have a lot going on hun have you looked into natural remedies, is the swelling in your tubes? Xx

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv

I had a full MOT! Hysteroscopy, laparoscopy , removal of septum, endometriosis, treatment for hyperplasia all sorted but tubes still blocked. I paid to have it done privately as the NHS kept rearranging appointments and finally when I was seen I was told that it was my weight (half a stone overweight at the time) knew that was rubbish. I’ve just gone through my first cycle and I will find out if it’s worked on the 13th. Xxx

AllWeNeedIsluv
AllWeNeedIsluv
in reply to Hidden

Oh really, idiots love to make daftest excuses.

Hopefully the fact it's all gone will help this one to stick how many did you have put back hun?

Really hope it does work for you hun bless ya. Wishing you all the best for the 13th.

😘💝

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv

We only had one that made it to day 5. The embryologist said it was a 4BB so fingers crossed. X

AllWeNeedIsluv
AllWeNeedIsluv
in reply to Hidden

Fingers crossed hun, there is so much hope look at that lady that posted today she had only had one.

Really hope you have a sticky bean lovely.

😘😘💝💝

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv

Thank you hun. Don’t feel any different really.

Still_hopeful_88
Still_hopeful_88
in reply to Hidden

Your story sounds similar to mine. I’ve had laparoscopy, endometriosis, cyst drained, they thought I had block tube on one side (thankfully it appears to be okay). They attempted hysteroscopy but found out I have a large septum so waiting on surgery for that to be removed. I’ve been referred on to a different consultant now as local hospital it’s experienced enough to deal with it. So it another period of limbo while I wait for top doc to see me.

I too was originally told my infertility was due to weight issues. Feckers.

That’s interesting. I’ve been taken this stuff too but mainly for the anti inflammatory effects and to see if can help after my excision surgery. Tubes were clear but I’d watched a video of a fertility specialist saying all endo ladies should be taking this stuff.

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to AllWeNeedIsluv

Me either! 🤣 we are just paranoid!

I did have a failed IVF though. Xxx

Hydromermaid-1
Hydromermaid-1
in reply to Hidden

Yeah I can’t imagine how she must of felt. The whole time I was buying stuff I had a horrible feeling something bad would happen especially when other people would buy bits and bobs. I was scared they would waste their money xx

Hand deliver a card and gift & graciously bow out. I would do that face to face, but that’s just me. Good luck xx

It's really sad that this woman wouldn't understand especially after being through ivf herself, she must have a very short memory, im 14 weeks pregnant after 4 years of ttc, I've not made any announcement on social media like people do as I remember what it would be like myself seeing everyone's scan pictures when your having fertility problems or ivf. Wishing you well for the future xx

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to NB610

I’ve experienced IVF winners (!) who are like “you can try again.” It’s an awful and heart wrenching experience. I’ve just been through the first cycle and honestly...I can’t understand where or how certain people have mustered strenth to continue.

Congratulations to you. We were judged as my partner n I started to conceive quite early into our relationship as we knew it might be difficult (didn’t quite believe it would be as difficult as it has been) n have agreed we’ll get married after. ‘This is a bigger priority’ we’ve now been trying nearly 2years n I still have a couple of ops to go through before they’d even put me forward for ivf. She’s a good few years older than me n all I get from them is “you’re still young” doesn’t quite work like that!!

Plus I’m 30 n my other half is 33, we ain’t all that young!!!!

Sorry congrats message for NB610. So many messages in here now they are all getting muddled. Thanks for your support Hope and Hell.

Hidden
Hidden

If it's going to upset you then don't go.

Don’t go to baby showers, I don’t anymore , send gifts, say I’m poorly , it’s very liberating

I’ve avoided baby showers and some christenings too for the last 10 years. Don’t put yourself through it if you don’t have to. I’m now finally pregnant with my little ivf miracle and won’t be having a baby shower. Do what’s right for you lovely xxx

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Sarahlou01

Best of luck with your pregnancy!

No-one judges you, your husband should understand that you don't want to go. Me personally, I would make a plan for that date, meeting my mum or sister or friend, it sounds awful but I completely blanked friends who were having baby showers while I was struggling for a child.

Concentrate on your own health and stay positive about your baby chances!

I don’t like baby showers for the simple reason that the baby is not yet here and anything can still happen. I think you are perfectly entitled not to go, no one should feel obliged at all. Definitely no judgement here - just much love and support. Stay true to yourself - is it her that has organised the shower or someone else? Maybe she feels a little embarrassed about it but if someone else is organising doesn’t want to be rude and spoil their fun by asking them to calm it down? Anyway, whatever - take care and think of yourself - most other people do anyway these days! Xx

I agree that baby showers are not a great invention. People should celebrate once baby arrives. I won’t be having one. Thankfully my friends generally don’t believe in them anyway, but I did go to the one I was invited to and it was fine.

Don't go unless you want to. It would be worse if you were there and got upset and had to leave. My best friends sister sent me a message on my miscarriage due date about her upcoming baby shower 4 years ago, and I couldn't even reply. Now one of my closest friends, my sister in law and my husband best friends wife is due around the anniversary of our baby's due date. Life is hard. I'm now going through my 1st cycle of ivf/ icsi and one of my closest friends messaged me about her bay shower plans on Friday morning whilst we were sat in the ivf clinic, so ironic. I will go to that one possibly, depends how my cycle goes. At the end of the day you have to look after yourself, as who else will. Go book yourself a spa day with a close friend or family member and treat yourself for a change x x x Good luck with everything x

I went to a baby shower a few months ago, I'd avoiding lots of them because of our troubles but thought I'd try and put my feels to one side and be a good friend... But, I wish I hadn't of gone as I did more harm than good. Like a drunk person does I decided I couldn't sit there surrounded by heavily pregnant people who were all in the baby bubble exchanging gifts and things so I got up, said some goodbye then left, as soon as the door was closed I burst into tears. I upset a friend of mine as I didn't really speak to her (she was heavily pregnant) and overall wish I hadn't of put myself through it. I'd send your apologises and a gift, maybe if you can handle and one on one meet do that. Xxx

Don’t go! Message the person to say you can’t go and either explain why or make an excuse. They will understand. You could always meet up with them another time with a gift and to see them or even send a gift to them. When I was going through treatment I found things like that impossible to deal with but people will understand if they are a real friend. Alternatively you could go but say from the beginning that you may have to leave and then just look at your phone if you start getting upset or emotional and say so sorry I need to go now and say goodbye or pop to the loo to compose. Don’t feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Big hugs whatever you decide to do xx

I wouldn't go. I went to one baby shower and it was hell. I was putting on a brave face the whole time and only went because it was my best friend. Another friend announced her pregnancy there which left me the only person without kids or not pregnant.. Wasn't easy! I've made excuses for all other invites I've had, I just lie, even now I'm pregnant myself. I'm 39 weeks with my IVF pregnancy and flat out refused to have a baby shower myself, I don't see the point of them. Look after yourself first. xx

I start the lies days before the shower by saying I’m feeling tired and shivery! On the day before I send a text saying I have a cold and would hate to get her sick during her pregnancy so best to stay away but sending my love.

Figure it’s best for all involved as I don’t have the stress and they don’t have to see my miserable/fake smile face.

Optional: then spend the day in bed with a Ryan gosling movie and own body weight in dairy milk ;)

I can totally relate to this! It was a doctor who actually said something similar to me. It's really insensitive. I think the baby shower is totally optional. If you are up for it go if not then you don't need to explain yourself to anyone! Xx

Why do you think she doesn’t understand? Sometimes people understand but they might find difficult to say the right things. I’m now holding my IVF little miracle in my arms after years of infertility and I’ll never forget.

I’d say do the right thing for you, even if it means not to go. I hate baby showers, I was asked if I wanted one when I was pregnant and I rejected the idea. When I was struggling with infertility I wasn’t going to any.

Look after yourself, that’s all it matters. 😘

I have to say I made my excuses and sent a card and present as it was too much when I was in the midst of treatment. Plus the friend had an unplanned pregnancy and spent most of the time moaning about the inconvenience of it all and continued to smoke and drink throughout. She doesn't know about my fertility issues and it's so hard as no one knows what it's like unless you are going through it. Do what's best for you and don't feel bad if certain things are too much, you are already going through so much. Good luck on your journey xx

yep don't go. I didn't even go to my sister's baby's christening...it was too painful... you are number 1 xxx

Don’t go hun if it’s going to be too upsetting for u. I never went to any friends or seen my sister when she was pregnant we fell out cause she did not understand what I was going through still spoke about baby stuff all the time. Do what’s right for u there not walking in ur shoes. And it’s a hard road is ladies are having to go. Xx

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