Really struggling

Hello all, I'm new to this. I'm 31, nearly 32. We've been trying to conceive for 2+ years and are about to start the whole process of IVF.

I've been struggling with not being able to conceive and everyone around me finding it so easy to. It is making into a person I don't recognise or even like very much. I have so much uncontrollable sadness and anger. Not anger at others, just the situation - at everything being out of my control.

I'm hoping IVF will give me some positivity back and some sense of being able to do something to help.

I was hoping anyone had any tips on how to cope better?

Sorry for offloading. If there's anyone else who I can chat to about this, I'd be so grateful x

44 Replies

  • Hey!! I just wanted to let you know you're not alone we've been trying for 2 years too. I am so sad all the time, sometimes it's a struggle to get through the day and even get out of bed. Sometimes I'm a really bitter person that I really don't recognise or like. I had a hissy fit with the husband yesterday cus he wants to go to a family get together and I don't know if I can handle it as there will be lots of pregnant people and people with babies there 😞. I don't know what the answer is really, but I know your not alone and your not a horrible person. I guess we just need to be good actors and one day we'll be happy for real xxx

  • Hello Bec-A! Thanks for your reply - it's so good to know that we're not alone!! I know exactly what you mean about family get togethers, I had one today which made me so upset - lots of babies and pregnancies. One day we'll be that person at the family get together with the baby - fingers crossed. Xx

  • We've been trying for 4 years & I hate the way I feel about friends kids or pregnancies sometimes. I found the best way to cope was to accept those feelings are natural but don't let it consume you. I see photos on Facebook etc & sometimes have a cry but then I force myself to like the pic or message my friend because really I'm not upset at them I'm upset at my situation.

    Find something that relaxes you or makes you feel positive. Go for a walk, read a book, go to an exercise class or play some loud cheesy music. Also talk about how you're feeling. Bottling things up are never good. Have you told friends or family?

  • Thank you:) I've decided to join gym and get into some form of new exercise (I'm usually terrible at all sports!). I've told my family and a couple of friends. It's difficult for them to empathise, although my sisters have been pretty amazing. It's tough, but I'm hoping things will look up xxx

  • That's great I'm sure you'll find something you like. I love zumba classes if you like dancing or to release some stress I go to boxfit.

    Although anyone will never truly understand it still helps to talk to someone. Plus you can always share on here & we're all in the same boat.

    Best of luck x

  • I agree with theblondone, these feelings are all to be expected and it doesn't make you a horrible person, it took me a while to realise that myself. I have 2 brothers who both have 5 kids each and it's so heartbreaking knowing that I might not have that, I can't give that to my other half. I love them all to pieces and I would never have any hard feelings towards them but you just have to protect yourself sometimes and try and process what you're feeling. Like theblondone said find something that relaxes you, I love walking and love to read too, I find I can just escape for a while and forget about it all. I cancelled a couple of family get together because it was just too hard, you have to go at your pace and what you're able to deal with. Maybe compromise and say you'll go for an hour or two and then leave if it gets too much.

    I've been trying for 4 years with one failed cycle and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through but you somehow find the strength to carry on and one day it will all be worth it x

  • Thank you so much. It is so helpful finding support on here. You're so right about being protective of oneself - I'm going to bear that in mind:)

    Sorry to hear that you've had 4 years of it- that must be so tough. I really hope you get your wish soon.

  • I could have written your post about myself. Some days are better than others some days I hate myself others I hate everyone else and then there are days where I'm more positive and keep hoping. Infertility is so tough and I don't think it is recognise enough for how serious it is. Good luck on your journey x

  • Thank you so much. Good lucky e you too xxx

  • Hi, I can totally relate to everything you are saying and am sending you lots of love. None of this is your fault and know that lots of us all feel the same. Think about all the good things in your life and be grateful for that. I cope better by getting out the house, taking a walk and a big deep breath. Accept your feelings and be kind to yourself. Xxxxx

  • Thank you so much. The support on here means so much. Getting space and fresh air is such a good idea.

    I hope things look up for you too xx

  • Your not on your own. I'm fairly new here too if you read my posts from Saturday I was so angry. I searched out this site as I needed some like minded support. There are lots of people on here who are lovely and lots of experience and advice to give. Like you if 31 and looking down the IVF route after nearly 3 years. If you ever need to chat feel free to msg me xxx

  • Thank you so much. It seems like we've had pretty similar experiences - I read your posts - so sorry to hear that you've been struggling too. Likewise, please do feel free to message whenever you're feeling low. Xxx

  • This journey can bring out the worst in us all but don't be too hard on yourself; it's perfectly normal and deep down you'll always be you x

  • Thank you so much, that really helps xx

  • Hi Ladies, it's a relief to know that it's not just me feeling this way. I really struggle being around people with babies especially when it's unexpected. A girl at work is on maternity leave and turns up at the pub on a Friday evening with her baby and it's really tough. I don't go any more. Friday drinks are supposed to be about looking ahead to the weekend and to be reminded of what your weekend won't be like is really hard. I too feel really awful that I've turned into this person who feels so negative about other people's successes. It just makes the whole situation even worse. I try to plan things that my hubby and I can do together to try to make the most of not being tied down and I try to think that there must just be a different plan for us and that will become clear sometime in the future. Xxx

  • Definitely things will look up in the future. Everything will work out xxx

  • As the others have said, you certainly aren't alone! I can relate to all of the things you said in your post. We have been ttc for nearly 3 years, I am 30 my husband is 36. We have just had our first failed cycle of IVF. I find it so hard when others are pregnant. One of my best friends has just found out she is, and although I am happy for her, it feels like being punched in the gut. All I can say is that when I have had to spend time with people and their bumps/children, I have always enjoyed it and they have all been really sensitive. The anticipation was the worst bit. Of course I have avoided people at times, and I think this is fine too!

    I have done a mindfulness course, and found it helpful to practice staying in the moment, rather than letting my mind wonder about all possibilities and learning how to not judge myself. Don't beat yourself up for having these feelings of jealously, anger and frustration... They are all totally normal and justified! I also try and exercise, even if it is just a walk. I often listen to audiobooks at the same time to prevent my mind wandering! Trying now to prepare myself for the next step, I have good moments and bad moments. Here if you ever want to chat x

  • Hiya Shelly. How did you find your mindfulness course? Did you book it online? Was it focused on infertility? My acupuncturist has said I think too much so I'm wondering if there is a way to help with this. Thanks, x

  • Hi Mrs C! I did it privately and it was an 8 week mindfulness course, 2 hours a week in a group. Not specifically for infertility. In some areas I think you can get a referral through the NHS/social prescribing so it might be worth exploring. I definitely think the group worked well, I had one session 1:1 because I couldn't make the group but the group sessions felt more powerful! It cost £225. I think it is a registered course so if you google local courses you should find some that are similar.

    I found it helpful, partly because for once in my life I made myself leave work on time and prioritise my own health to get to the session on Monday evenings. I haven't practised as much as I should have done, but it has definitely given me some useful tools about how to keep my mind a little quieter, and more importantly not to judge myself and my thoughts. If you can afford it, I would recommend it. I had tried the headspace app before hand, but I didn't use it enough to see the benefit! Having a protected two hour session each week was good, and I always came out feeling positive and relaxed. Hope that helps! X

  • Thank you! I'll look into it. I've just forked out for a block of acupuncture which I'm enjoying and finding it useful but given they think I think too much it sounds like a good plan. We sound quite similar in terms of work. I too find it difficult to walk away and prioritise myself. Sending you a big hug as a thank you. x

  • Thank you so much, I feel so overwhelmed in a very positive way by the level of support on here. Everyone is so lovely. I do like the sound of a mindfulness course.

    So sorry to hear about the failed IVF round and how tough it's been for you. I really hope things look up for you, and I'm certain they will. Do message if you need an ear xx

  • You are not alone in what your saying, 2 1/2 years multiple pregnancies friends and family, it's tough and as much as people close to you know they'll never know the extent to how you feel unless they've been through it themselves! I struggled being bitter, and angry but towards myself blaming me for our situation, it's all completely natural as much as you think it's not right to feel like it, and as you said you feel out of control. I joined this forum and the girls have been absolutely amazing, I've also taken time for myself, it's felt selfish at times but if I know I'm going to be somewhere that will cause my anger or any upset I removed myself from going and my husband is totally fine with it, it's helped a lot, we've also chosen to only tell very close family about our journey and the next step for us, the support has been invaluable, we're also writing a journal together to document the next step for us, this has helped greatly to get out thoughts and feelings written down into a lovely journal that we can keep but not necessarily go back through.

    Wish you all the luck in your journey xx

  • Thank you so much. As you say, the ladies on here have been brilliant. I never knew there were sites like this and so glad I've found it.

    Wishing you all the luck in the world for your journey as well. Things will look up! Xxx

  • I found this site through a poster in our fertility clinic, i never knew there was anything like it until we'd been for our first appointment, i sit and read through many posts, and it has helped me so much in the few months i've been on here. We'll all get there, we have each other to lean on and most of all keep each other positive in times when we really need someone to talk to.

  • Hi I'm in a similar situation to you 31 almost 32 been ttc for 2+ years and picking my ivf meds up today to start my first cycle . The journey so far has just been a roller coaster of emotions some very difficult and sad times but I know I need to focus on my well being and be kind to myself and try and live in the moment and know that I'm taking all the steps I can to make this work. I would be completely lost without the support of this group as everyone hear understands the struggles and stress that comes with all of this, stay strong my dear off load on here when you need to and wishing you all the best for your up coming treatment xxx

  • Thank you very much. And so much love and luck for yours. I hope the mess re ok and your experience is an extremely positive one! I have everything crossed for you xx

  • Hello! So familiar situation. I'v been trying to concieve for 5 years, my diagnosis is polycystic ovary syndrome. We were sent to IVF. I remember how I was excited before IVF treatment, starting to imagine my pregnancy and babybirth, but it still didn’t happen. We had 2 failed IVF attempts. After the second one I had hyperstimulation and it was the worst thing that happened to me, now it is only about eggs donation...So it's not always so easy to get pregnant. But I won't give up! I don't want my negative feelings to win. I still have options to have children and I will use it, whatever it takes!

    Don't be ashamed of your feelings! You have a right to be angry! It is normal. We all know that feeling. It is important not let them possess your heart!

    You'll get your glory hour, I'm sure! Wish you good luck! xxx

  • Thank you so much. I too have pcos. It was a blow at first - the doctor has told me to take inofolic which I hope helps.

    It sounds like you've had a rough time - I'm so sorry. But overwhelmed by how brave and strong you must have been. You're so right not to let the negativity win.

    Wishing you all the best in your next venture. I am so sure everything will turn out fine! XX

  • Hello! So familiar situation. I'v been trying to concieve for 5 years, my diagnosis is polycystic ovary syndrome. We were sent to IVF. I remember how I was excited before IVF treatment, starting to imagine my pregnancy and babybirth, but it still didn’t happen. We had 2 failed IVF attempts. After the second one I had hyperstimulation and it was the worst thing that happened to me, now it is only about eggs donation...So it's not always so easy to get pregnant. But I won't give up! I don't want my negative feelings to win. I still have options to have children and I will use it, whatever it takes!

    Don't be ashamed of your feelings! You have a right to be angry! It is normal. We all know that feeling. It is important not let them possess your heart!

    You'll get your glory hour, I'm sure! Wish you good luck! xxx

  • Hi hunny, we are going through the same we've been trying for nearly 4 years now, it's been a very long wait and very emotional and stressful. You feel all alone because everyone around you can just think I'm gunna have a baby them wham there pregnant lol, my sis is on her 6th I'm one of 6 children all with baby's apart from me and I'm 30 lol. We are hopefully starting treatment early may and the waiting is a killer but I know for sure unless we ain't lucky I won't have to wait another 4 years! So anything you need i.e. Moan, support, help or even just advice we are all here for each other xxx

  • Thank you for the support. It means so much!

    It's so tough, but I've been taken aback by the huge level of such amazing support on here.

    I hope your treatment goes well in May. How are you feeling about it? I have everything crossed for you xxx

  • Me again lol 👋🏻 just bear in mind that this horrible thing of infertility we are going through may have a happy ending which actually makes us lucky, there are lots of people out there who won't even get a chance to have something they want so badly. So maybe try and be happy and excited rather than sad and broken because that will help you deal with life so much more positively xxx

  • Ahh bless you. I am sure we have all felt the same at some point and sure those feelings will keep appearing at times, usually when you least expect it or need it!!

    Not having control is enough to drive anyone crazy.

    Starting ivf is a big thing and takes time to get used to. The pressure we put on ourselves makes it very hard at times too. It's easy to say try and relax but it's really what you need to try doing.

    My first cycle was very hard and emotionally draining, I tended to keep things to myself and not telling hubby how I felt. This would backfire and all my emotions would come out at once and be very hard for him to deal with. So I guess my advice is to talk about it. Second time round has been better for me because of being more honest about my feelings.

    Ivf gives us all hope that we will get our happy ending so try and focus on that.

    I really hope it helps to know your not alone.

    I am new to the group too but have already found it so very helpful being able to talk to others who feel the same and understand.

    If you have any questions then please ask as the fear of the unknown is tough going too.

    I am known for my honesty so feel free to ask away xx

  • Thank you so much. It's really reassuring to hear about the IVF process. I don't know anyone that has gone through it - and thank you for your honesty as well!

    I cannot tell you how much better I feel having gone into this forum!

    Wishing you so much luck for your journey xx

  • My partner and I have been trying for 3 years now. I didn't want to accept there was an issue so kept putting it to the back of my mind, only recently having the guts to go to the doctor and be referred for testing so I'm pretty new to the medical side.

    But as for what you are feeling, it's completely normal! Some days I hate the world, others I don't mind so much. The anger, the guilt, they why me?. They are emotions you will learn to deal with on a daily basis. Try to stay strong and stay positive and remember you are not alone. Xx

  • This sounds so familiar! I hope the Doctor gives you some really positive news and you don't have long to wait for your pregnancy:)

    Thanks so much for the support - it means the world to have found others going through the same thing xxx

  • You sound like me nearly two years ago. I was exactly the same and you might not believe me yet, but it does get easier. Admittedly I started to see a therapist around 6 months ago to talk through my emotions and this did help to some extent, because through understanding myself better, I learned to accept and forgive myself for the person I had become. But alongside this, starting ivf did give me renewed hope. You're young and have a high chance of success from assisted conception (although I don't know your full medical background) so stay positive! You will get there!! Xxx

  • Thank you! I certainly feel much more positive having found this forum.

    It's very interesting to hear about the counselling sessions. It's been something in the back of my mind.

    I am glad it gets easier! I hope you find the answers and solutions for you very soon xxxx

  • Hello and welcome IM150, as you've no doubt realised've definitely come to the right place for support & understanding!

    The struggle with everyone around seemingly getting pregnant with ease is one I think many (if not all) of is struggle with, I've just found out my sister in law is pregnant and not handling it with the ease I'd like to. She's certainly not the first as I'm 39 and all but one of my friends has more than one child already but she's giving my hubbys parents their first grandchild, something they've made no bones about longing for.

    You're so right about not recognising yourself, my sadness at not being the one pregnant and making that lovely announcement to my in laws has made me wonder who the hell I am and why I can't just be happy for them 😕 I've never questioned whether I'm a good person or not but infertility certainly makes you do that.

    Your comment about uncontrollable emotions also rings true for me..just yesterday I met my hubby for lunch, only to end up crying in costa! This is really not who I am and I hate it.

    Sorry I don't have lots of amazing advice for you as even after 3 rounds of IVF I'm still struggling. I think all you can do is allow yourself to feel what you feel without blame or guilt, put yourselves first when you need to & know your limits, take each stage of the process at a time, keep communicating, do something that distracts you (for me it's a good gritty book or cheesy tv such as real housewives!) and keep coming on here to offload & remember you're not alone.

    Lots of luck with your cycle xx

  • Oh I also have counselling too, it's been helpful to talk to someone neutral and not feel like you're boring friends or family with it all the time, who care but can never truly understand if they haven't been through it x

  • Hello IM150.

    Sorry to hear that your feeling that way. When I've felt in the past angry or frustrated by a situation I go inside and write out all my thoughts, feelings and emotions about the situation around it. And usually do lots of crying.It releases the energy around it. Always do things that you like and create happy memories. I hope that helps.Im here if you would like to talk. Private message me

  • U r in the right place to be able to vent all these feelings! We all feel it so completely understand.really positive step to start the IVF process so u know u r doing everything u can! Good luck xxx

  • I'm 31 nearly 32 aswell and really struggling. We have pcos & mfi, 1 miscarriage and only 2 frozen blastocysts from our 1st ICSI round. I can't speak to my friends or family, they don't get it and they're so insensitive. I'm struggling today with Easter coz our angel baby looked like a bunny in his US photo and so bunnies trigger heartache, then theres all the obvious connections with easter 'eggs' and new life / fresh starts. Plus I struggle with bulimia as a result of the pcos and I'm nearing the end of treatment for that but I hate the Easter culture of restriction & binging on chocolate. Its so unhealthy, totally normalising a damaging relationship with food. Sorry for the rant guys. Im having more bad days then ok ones lately. If anyone is based in London and would like a meet up I'd really love to meet anyone!! I miss the fun, person I used to be. Maybe if we all got to chat with people who get it then we'd be happier?

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