Feeling so down!

[lou79]

Hi, Im new here and have never posted on anything like this before but I really need to off load and share what I am going through with other ladies in the same boat. Im 36 and my husband is 38 we have been trying for our first child for 1 1/2 years. I know to some that isnt too long but it feels like a lifetime of living month to month and dealing with the disapointment each time. I have had several friends, family and work colleagues have babies in this time and with every pregnancy announcement i feel so down and jealous. I hate myself for it. Ive been taking clomid for the last 5 months and it is messing with my moods so much. I have days (like today) when i just feel so down and alone, like I am carrying this hidden pain around constantly and everything is an effort. After a day at work with my 'false face' on I just get home and be drained, the tears then start and I cant stop them. Its a horrible hopeless feeling. I dont even know if the clomid is to blame or if it is just the situation of facing infertility that has me feeling so low. Anyway, apologies for this self pity post! I know I am not alone in this. Thanks for taking the time to read this xx

[Hidden]

Hello. Welcome to here. Your right your not alone. Also it's not a pity post. It's good to be honest about how your feeling. And writing it down always clears my head a bit. It's probably a mixture of the clomid and this Being emotional anyway. I would suggest Counselling as they can give you tips on how to cope and a listening ear. Facing infertility is a big thing. So take some time to adjust to that. And remember none of This is your or your husbands fault. Sending you lots of love. Take care. Feel free to ask anything else. Xx

[Hidden]

Hi lou79,

Sorry that you're finding yourself here. I'm new myself, joined the forum yesterday, for the very same reason; a place where one can off-load and get support from others who are in the same situation and KNOW what it is like. I'm well familiar with the feeling of disappointment that occurs every month, and the longer it drags on, the more frustrating it gets. I know exactly what you mean by living life from month to month; to me it's been like putting life on hold, pausing it for almost four years now. Everything around you evolves and people go on and have babies, whilst you're standing still. And then hearing about others' happiness makes you even more heartbroken; it just seems so unfair that it is so easy for others and so very hard for yourself. I'm currently doing my third Clomid cycle, but luckily I haven't experienced any side effects; how strong is your dose? I also felt very down yesterday and didn't get much done which I hate myself for (I work from home), I always feel worse when I haven't accomplished anything, but today I feel a bit better. Chatting with others do really help. Don't apologise; you have all the reasons to feel the way you do, what we're going through is so very painful. Best Wishes.

[lou79 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the replies. Yes it certainly helps to off load to people who are going through this same thing. As time goes on it just gets harder to stay positive! I am on just 50mgs of clomid and its has only been the last two months that i have felt so down, so maybe my mood isnt clomid related at all. We went to a fertility clinic open evening last week and it just made me feel worse knowing there are so many reasons why pregnancy wont happen or will fail, the stats for sucess in my age bracket arent great either! lol, i am definitely miss grumpy at the minute. This evening i have to go to dinner with my husbands family, both his sister and sister in law have had babies in the last 8 months. Im dreading the baby talk and the inevitable 'you are next' comments! Im so glad I can vent here. Thanks and best wishes to you all x

[jenny34]

Hi Lou79, my heart goes out to you. Giving you the biggest hug over the internet! Please don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling. It is perfectly normal to have those feelings about others having babies. It is so so hard. You are being very brave, especially having to go to family dinners etc as you describe. Remember, whether or not your body finds it easy to procreate is NOT a reflection on you OR how good a parent you could be. As we all know, plenty of idiots and unhealthy people have babies, doesn't mean they are good people OR good parents! Try not to feel too down about the IVF stats/success rates. I am 37 and our little girl is 10 weeks old. Remember, your fertility does not just 'drop' the minute you hit 35, in spite of what we are told. Plenty of people conceive naturally and through IVF at my age and older. It sounds as though you are starting your IVF journey, and you may find some answers along the way with regards TTC, and those answers will help inform your treatment. Sending you lots and lots of love, and you are NOT alone xxxxxxxx

[lou79]

Thank you so much for the reply and good wishes, it means alot, thank you! Congrats on motherhood, it is so wonderful to hear a success story from someone who has gone through this journey! Like you said, i am just begining to make IVF enquiries and i am hoping the tests and investigations beforehand can shed some light on what is going on with my body! At the minute I am struggling with being optimistic and my poor husband is living with a misery guts. He is very supportive and im very lucky, but as with most men he doesnt really understand. I think I will start attending the Infertility network support groups in my area as that along with the brilliant support on here will help me feel less isolated. Thanks again everyone XX

[Hopeful1982 in reply to lou79]

Re your hubby, I bought mine a book called " What to Expect when She's not Expecting" by Mark Sedaka. It's a mans experience of his journey with his wife through numerous rounds of IVF. Its quite humerous so a good read but it's really helped my hubby to understand how I feel and support me.

In the book he says that while "he wanted a baby, his wife needed to have a baby". This sums up the difference between my hubby and I perfectly!

[lou79 in reply to Hopeful1982]

Hi, thank you for replying and for sharing your experience and tips with me. I love the title of that book!! It has put a smile on my face thank you so much for recommendation, Im definitely going to be buying that! Im so pleased to hear that counselling has helped you be more mentally and emotionally prepared for the IVF journey. I wish you the best of luck and success with it all! xx

[Hopeful1982]

Hello Lou79, firstly don't apologise for how you feel. I think most people on this site will have had the same feelings you're experiencing now after 18 months of ttc! It's not easy. Pregnant women, pregnancy announcements and new born babies can all be very painful.

Be kind to yourself. How you feel is completely normal. Anyone would feel the same way.

Have you tried seeing a counsellor? I was finding it all incredibly overwhelming last year and this is something that really helped me. I do feel much better and I definitely cry a lot less which can only be a good thing! I really feel it's helped me get in a better place to start IVF in the next few weeks and would completely recommend it!

I also try to keep busy with things that take my mind off it. Reading, sports, tai chi have all helped but different things work for different people.

Good luck x

[Hellsbells11]

I'm so sorry to read what you are going through. I completely understand your feelings of sadness and jealousy when you hear of others becoming pregnant so easily, it seems so unfair. It is a completely normal feeling though you are only human and shouldn't beat yourself up about it. I've had 3 miscarriages so I kind of know what you are going through. I have since had a successful pregnancy with the help of a fertility doctor. He was so positive and reassuring that he made me feel the same, I really feel this had an impact on my success. Is there someone you can talk to about it or another doctor you can discuss this with?