As the title suggests I'm anxious about having to announce pregnancy to my extremely insensitive mil. She has always shown a very different side of herself when she is alone with me vs when my husband is present. It has gotten to the point where I can't bring myself to be alone with her because all she does is make negative comments on my life (marriage, work, home, shopping, etc etc). It's like she can't function without upsetting me. I used to be good at ignoring the comments until she started commenting on our fertility journey. She has never been supportive and always made insensitive comments so we stopped sharing any details ages ago. Since then she tries petty things like putting me on the spot at functions about my drinking habits to see if I'm pregnant or not. She has already told us multiple times it's not the right time for us to have a baby and that we should focus on our jobs, mortgage etc and try 3 yrs later (as if my fertility would improve if we buy a house). She knows about my first few miscarriages but didn't hesitate to repeatedly tell me it happened for the best because it wasn't the right time for us.
I once tried to have a gentle chat with her about her constant interference but it didn't go well. I tried to tell her if it doesn't directly effect her in anyway she should try keeping her negative thoughts to herself and leave us to our decisions but it just didn't register and she blamed it on the old "it's just who I am".
Now I have accepted that her behaviour will never change so I try to avoid her as much as I can. I'm already very anxious about the pregnancy and having to let her know about it is stressing me more. I really don't want to tell her but obviously I don't have a choice since it's her first and only grandchild. I really don't like being told what to do and knowing her I know it'll get worse during pregnancy. I just don't want to listen to her constant negative comments so I'm just hoping to postpone announcing as much as we can but because of my body type I'll probably start showing soon. She makes a point of dropping by every week without fail which doesn't help.
I know I've got 3 more weeks till I'm 12 weeks pregnant but I'm preparing myself since I'm very anxious and don't know how to function any other way.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? When did you announce it and how? What can I expect?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks 🙂
Written by
Xoya
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I am sorry you're going through this. It’s understandable that you’re dreading having to share your news with someone who hasn’t been supportive and has made hurtful comments in the past.
When it comes to announcing the pregnancy, it might help to set some boundaries right from the start. You don’t have to share everything with her, and it’s perfectly okay to keep things to yourself if that helps protect your peace. When you do tell her, maybe having your husband present can help manage the conversation. That way, if she starts making any negative comments, he can step in and support you. It’s really important that you feel as comfortable as possible during this announcement.
If delaying the announcement until you’re ready helps you feel more in control, that’s completely fine too. You don’t owe anyone your news until you’re prepared to share it. And remember, it’s okay to limit how much time you spend with her during your pregnancy if that helps reduce your stress. You and your baby come first.
As for what to expect, she may continue with her usual behavior, but you can choose how much of it you let affect you. Maybe rehearse some responses or ways to change the subject when she says something negative, so you’re not caught off guard.
I hope you find peace and joy in this special time, despite the challenges. You’ve got this! Congratulations!!! x
Thank you so much for your response it really does help a lot. I really want to stop being so chicken and tell her off but idk why i end up being gentle with her. I also worry that she will play victim and turn my husband against me. My husband has always understood and respected my wishes because he knows how difficult she is but I keep thinking what if after a certain point it changes 😭 I really want to keep the pregnancy from her like forever and maybe once the baby is old enough the baby can introduce himself or herself to her 🤣 but she shows up every week without fail and even if we make excuses she'd "happen to be in the area" on a different day of the same week 😭
delay it as long as you can and just say you wanted to be sure after previous losses before telling her, also try and tell announce at her house and also ask your husband to ask her for some space for the next wee while and not visit as much at yours but that you will pop by hers when you can and feel up to it (meaning you can control when and how long you see her for). It doesn’t sound like much love lost anyway big now is time to be selfish. I’ve had to do similar with my MIL on my first pregnancy and I will be holding off telling her (not even sure if I will go at all just let other half tell her tbh) for this one and defo not until past 12 weeks! It’s her own fault and the consequences of her years of nonsense so I really don’t feel guilty anymore! What you doing pregnancy will also help establish some boundaries for when baby arrives in case she gets a bit wild with ‘advice’ etc then too! Good luck 🤗💜 xx
Great advice Twiglet! I recommend the same, make sure you can leave thr sutuation so things are in your control. If I'm honest, I don't have much to do with my MIL either, too controlling and opinionated.🤗 Sadly it doesn't get any better when the little ones arrive.🤦🏼♀️ Good luck Xoya
Thank you for your response. I'm gonna work on being less chicken and telling her off. I'm sure my raging hormones would come in handy 😂 I don't want to deal with this especially with a little one. She always makes it all about her so that will be the case even when the baby comes I'm sure 🤦🏽♀️
It's so unfair having to deal with this stuff isn't in? I really feel for you. I wish I would stop feeling guilty too especially since I'm not at fault. I really want to ask for space but I know for a fact she will play victim and demand to know why. And if we cancel with whatever excuse she does drop by on a different day saying she was in the area or something 🤦🏽♀️ I have already decided I'm not going to give her any special pregnancy announcement because she never wanted it to happen for us anyway. I will ask my husband to let everyone in the family know at the same time 😅
Just let her play the victim but still set your boundaries . I found there wa unleashing her and me at the same time so I choose me and my family. I would tell her (ie get your husband to tell her) you both need some space just now and that means arranged visits on you and your husbands terms because that’s what you want and if she asks more just say what she said to you ‘that’s just how I am and I can’t change it’ xx
To be honest I’ve found the action of distance more powerful than any words 🤗 I lock my house door during the day and just dont answer the door if her visit is unannounced (as other half has explicitly said phone us first to see if it’s good time to pop by and when she ignored we just don’t answer now) things like that to be honest seem to really work! Xx
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