Marriage fallen apart 7 months pregnant - no idea what to do!

[Missl73]

I have a 2 year old son conceived after 3 painful years of fertility treatment and I am 7 months pregnant with my second (again after ICSI) and my husband of 12 years has kicked my son and I out of our home and is stonewalling me, refusing to engage in any conversation with me at all. What am I supposed to do?? I am totally devastated not to mention stressed out of my mind wondering how I am going to cope with two small children alone and what lies ahead in terms of custody if we are separating which it appears we are but he’s not talking to me so I actually don’t know what’s going on or what he wants.

Last week we were away on holiday in Norfolk and everything was fine, now he won’t respond to calls or texts from me and won’t let us return home (to the house I own 50% of) so we are staying with my parents. What do you do with someone who just point blank refuses to have a conversation with you? He says he wants to reconcile and make things work but how can that be true/even possible if he won’t talk to me at all? I have an midwife appointment today, should I tell her what’s going on?

[Hidden]

No real advice to give - but was there a trigger for your partner to act like this?

Sending hugs - hope it can be resolved and you can move back in soon to complete the rest of your pregnancy.

X

[Missl73 in reply to Hidden]

He’s Australian and wants us to move back there. The trigger was seeing my son excited and happy to see my mum and my mum babysitting for us so we could have a night off because his parents can’t do that. While I know how hard it is for him, I need the support of my own mum when I have a newborn. He hasn’t agreed to speak to me since.

[Hidden in reply to Missl73]

totally understandable that you need support when the newborn arrives - can you say that the move just needs to be postponed until post newborn phase?

Sounds great to have your mum to babysit giving you a night off.

X

[Missl73 in reply to Hidden]

I can’t say anything to him he won’t engage in any dialog with me at all, he doesn’t reply to texts or answer the phone. He doesn’t want to talk. I’m helpless to do anything he’s completely stonewalling me x

[Hidden in reply to Missl73]

that's terrible - it does sound like some kind of crisis for him.....x

[StarsAllAround]

I'm soo sorry your going through this. I would definitely tell your midwife she can give you information on support thats available for you. Be kind to yourself and keep the lines of communication from your side open. I hope it gets resolved for you soon x

[Missl73 in reply to StarsAllAround]

I’m finding it so hard to not become angry myself as I feel like I’m being cruelly punished and while I want to do the best thing by my children the way he is treating me is so hurtful 😢 x

[Albs171]

I’m so sorry.

The fact he’s remained in the house rather than putting himself in a hotel to cool off… leaving his pregnant wife and small child totally disrupted, is pretty next level.

I’d seek sone legal advice discreetly - I’m not saying it will come to that and obviously I understand doing everything you can to keep your family together at what is clearly a stressful time… but worth making sure if the worst did happen you are doing the right things from now to protect yourself and secure your future. Getting advice isn’t making a big decision… just knowing your options.

I really hope things get calmer for you. Sending you all the love x

[Missl73 in reply to Albs171]

Thank you I am doing this because I have to feel like I am doing something. It’s been 4 days of being stonewalled now and I’m not sure how much more of this I can take and forgive him if he does decide he wants to reconcile x

[LadyM2019]

I’m so sorry Missl73 I actually felt quite shocked reading this and I wonder whether he’s having a sudden emotional breakdown? From what you’ve said it sounds like this is out of character…? Maybe he needs a short space of time to process whatever has overwhelmed him in order to explain himself to you.. xx

[Buisquits]

Sorry, did I read it correctly? Your husband kicked you defenseless 2 year old and you want to talk about it? really?

[LizzieBW in reply to Buisquits]

I'm sure your post was only sent with supportive intent but do consider your words carefully as it comes across as if you're judging the OP (which I am sure you are not) during what is clearly a very vulnerable time.

[Buisquits in reply to LizzieBW]

apologies, I have misread the post. I though he physically kicked the boy, hence my outrage. My mistake.

[LizzieBW]

I really feel for you. My Husband had an emotional breakdown during my pregnancy. We'd been together 12 years, it had taken 6 long years, surgeries, IVF etc to conceive and I'd been solid as a rock through the whole thing and then during what should have been the most magical time he went a bit nuts (sorry, no disrespect towards mental illness when using this word but you may understand how I felt).

The only advice I can offer is lean on your parents/loved ones right now the most and use this time to really decide what you want next. Relationships are two way and if your Husband does or doesn't want to work on things, you also get to choose what you want and hopefully your Husband will cool off and be keen to talk it over. So sorry you're going through this stress. Sending love and strength xx

[BettyBe]

So sorry you are going through this. Like others have said, maybe he is going through some sort of breakdown but I still think it’s pretty low to stonewall you and kick you out the house when pregnant!! I would be very angry and it would hinder relationships within families in the future. There is no harm in protecting yourself in terms of legal advice and medical support. How can you be sure this won’t happen again? Is he relying on the fact that you have your parents to go to?? Could you write him a letter if he’s not talking to you or just give him the space he wants to organise his thoughts? It’s a difficult one tbh but please look after yourself and get support from family / friends to relieve some of the stress. I do hope you can both sort this out but I can only imagine what you are going through!! Look after yourself and wishing you the best 🌺 xx

[JoyfulStar]

Really sorry you are going through this. My husband told me once that men can retreat into a “cave” when upset or emotional and the best thing is to let them come out by themselves. Like you, I try to fix things as soon as possible but it sometimes just makes it worse as I am still emotionally upset.

When OH and I now disagree , if we can’t seem to talk, I leave him to it and wait for him to come to me. I have learned that constructive discussions can only happen when both parties are calm and willing to talk. It gives me a bit of control back and also sends a message that I am as equally upset about the argument. This can take days. Luckily these sorts of arguments are a very rare occurrence.

Like others have said, lean on the support of your other loved ones and look after yourself, your son and your bubba. Also do let your OH know when you do get to chat how he has made you feel ignoring kicking you out ( sorry I am struggling to understand how he did this) and ignoring you at a time of vulnerability.

Really hoping things get resolved soon x

[Missl73]

Thanks everyone for your support and good advice. He’s finally admitted this morning he’s having a mental health crisis, I’ve got him in to see the doctor and getting him signed off work. He’s finally talking to me now he’s acknowledging the problem and I have calmed down myself knowing his behaviour towards me is because he’s not well xx

[Hidden in reply to Missl73]

Such a relief progress has been made. Hoping that you can progress with your pregnancy and your relationship very soon. Xxx

[Dogpark]

Such a relief foe you to know what's going on. So sorry you have to go through all this. iVF/ICSI and pregnancies are tough on relationships. Nevertheless I would follow the advice given by someone else on this thread: seek some Legal advice in case the situation repeats itself in the future. I'm not saying it will, and it's great that he's getting medical help now, but you also need to think about your own welfare and peace of mind going forward. It's really not ok for you to be kicked out of a property that you co-own, while pregnant and with a young child, eventhough it was the right move for you to do, for your own safety. I would want to try to understand your rights in this situation so that you know if there is anything you can do if history repeats itself and you're forced to be away from home for a long time.