Upset and confused

[Lind16]

Hello everyone,

I have no written anything on here for a while, i had a miss misscarriage last year after second round of ivf.

Since then we have moved counties and saving for a house which we will be buying in 2 weeks . I have been seeing a councilor but i dont feel like its working.

Today i got asked if i want to go to my sisters surprise baby shower. This is her second baby and even though im happy for her, i just feel all this emotion when i see her etc. Ive been very good in hiding it till now, they added me to a whatsapp page which had the scan of her baby which i havent asked to see as it brings back too many painful memories. I cried my eyes out when i saw it feeling quilty i feel like this. I told my mum i dont want to go as all my sisters friends have babies and i know my mum is excited for this baby shower and her next granchild . All i can worry about is how im going to cope and deal with this and put on a smile when its tearing me up inside. None of them will understand as everyone going hasnt had the same issues. But i feel like im being selfish and that i cant be a big sister when she needs me . I just keep being told i should be there . 😪

[Italy300618]

You poor thing, I really feel your pain. With what you are going through you need to protect yourself as much as you can from setting and situations that are going to upset you and bring your heartache back. It's a shame it's a surprise baby shower as you could have had a chat with her before hand. If I were you, I would have a chat with your mum and explain it's too difficult for you to attend, and maybe say that youd like to do something with just you and your sister as a little celebration but something instead. You can avoid all the constant chat about babies and games and gifts but yet you still showing you are there for her. Look after yourself, sometimes you can take so many steps back after occasions like this. Good luck xx

[Lind16 in reply to Italy300618]

Thankyou i feel like im not going mentally insane after what you have put, my husband thinks im being selfish and says i should just put on a smile and stop trying to be centre of attention x

[Italy300618 in reply to Lind16]

That's really sad you arent at all, its difficult for you and if it means you upset a couple of people in the process it isn't the end of the world, if they really care they will understand. Protect yourself x

[Lind16 in reply to Italy300618]

Thankyou x

[Coral86]

I would agree with Italy do not force yourself into any situation I understand she is your sister and you would want to be there but I do emphasise with you I could never go to baby showers after I misscarried felt like it was shoving it in my face !! Do what Italy said and arrange like a meal for you and your sister and mum I’m sure your sister will understand why xx

[Lind16 in reply to Coral86]

Thankyou also for your help its nice that i can have support on here when i dont get it at home as my husband thinks im being a drama queen. Most of the time im ok but suddenly something will happen and i cant control the out bursts of jealousy and being extremely upset x

[Coral86 in reply to Lind16]

Your honestly not alone hun !! I was exactly the same even now I think about it and get upset xxx

[Lind16 in reply to Coral86]

Thankyou x

[Shelleybean]

I don’t think you or anyone else should pressure you into a situation you don’t feel you can cope with. You’re right that others who have not had to go through a difficult journey don’t/ can’t understand how brutal and painful this all is. The last thing you need is to feel judged when you’re at such a low anyway. The idea suggested above about arranging something separately would be lovely if you can manage it. Ultimately, people are going to have to accept that you need to be a bit selfish at times to protect yourself and your heart xx

[AmbK in reply to Shelleybean]

Though my opinion in my comment is quite contrary to yours I couldn't help but agree with your statement that "no one can or should pressure the OP into this situation". Well definitely if someone else is judgemental it's their problem. It's never wrong to be selfish and do what it takes to protect her from heartbreak. But at the end of the day family is something where you stick-on and go strong. I know they should also be able to comprehend the OPs situation but then like you said now everyone who haven't been through the same situation won't understand the sting of infertility. In fact no one out there understands it... no matter how much try or how concerned or empathetic or supportive they try to be it's always feels like something is missing. I love the idea really about seperately arranging something that could serve both well I belive that would be lovely.

[Shelleybean in reply to AmbK]

Yes, you’re so right.. very sadly it’s true that others who have not been through this can never fully understand the pain. The best thing I did was let go of the need for them to understand xx

[AmbK in reply to Shelleybean]

I can understand. I wouldn't blame you or judge you for it at all for it's not always us that should suffere in pain. Like I said I know we should value family and that at tough time family sticks together to get through but then I couldn't contradict your approach. I shouldn't.... after being acquainted with the same wrecking from infertility. Sometimes it's even hard to ignore the strangers or the insensitive colleague peaking into my fertility story. But I guess the most annoying is not the people who are rude but ones who try to be overbearingly empathetic. Can't deny family functions are the best place to find such reactions from people faking they are concerned and know better on what should you do to get pregnant. You seriously lose your shit and it gives no other choice to simply duck-out.

[Shelleybean in reply to AmbK]

Oh gosh, we’ve only told my parents, sister and a few close friends and I’m really glad hearing that.. couldn’t bear it! Don’t think I’d be able to hold my tongue and would more than likely end up being really rude to people being nosy/ overbearing.

You sound like you’re doing a great job dealing with the (often odd) different ways in which people react. One positive thing about this whole awful journey is that I think I’m now less judgemental.. you never know what the stranger next to you or the rude person serving you in a shop might be going through. A small silver lining I suppose! 🤷🏻‍♀️ xx

[crisps88]

Aw you are not selfish at all. Your feelings are so understandable and you’ve been through so much. Big hugs and sorry to hear your terrible pain you’ve been and going through so much. Be kind to yourself xxxx

[Sayusayme]

It happens to all ladies who ttc

Don't worry it's not being selfish

You are just protecting yourself

[AmbK]

Sorry to hear about your loss! I hope time heals it all and you could look forward in the light of optimism.

This is really a tough situation for you to handle and not many will understand the situation to emphatise with you out in the real world. I think in this scenario gets even worse when family is involved... you could have excused yourself if it were some friend or collegue. Skipping a family event has it's impact in several other relations so you have to be tactful to not not look insensitive yourself. Maybe your sister wants you to participate in her happiness as well.... thats not wrong. Women are strong and sadly I cannot give another answer or way out for now than to be out there and face it.

Are you guys on a break from TTC for now or have somehow settled to not try actively anymore?

[Hidden]

I didn’t go to my cousins baby shower luckily she is the closest person to me that would/has had a baby. After my 3rd mmc I just couldn’t, pregnancy for me isn’t a fun time now and to put myself in a position where everyone is playing baby themed games etc whilst I’m highly emotional still no I just won’t do it even now after 9 mths I still wouldn’t. If it was my sisters it probably be different we are close but that’s never going to happen I’m safe there we all have kids already they don’t want more. I see my cousin and baby all the time now probably more than some of the people that went to the shower she understood snd she would have done the same and gave no fucks what anyone thinks.

[Gia_9 in reply to Hidden]

Sorry to hear about your mmcs! If it's been 9 months what else are you looking forward to uptake in future for your fertility success? Back to the actual topic.... it's undeniably hard to involve in other's pregnancy celebration when your own attempts have had gone so terribly wrong. I think it's totally your choice whether you want to visit the ceremony or not and no one is in a position to really judge you on it. You story gives a classic example on how any normal person would reason your absense. If the person is really close to you and sensible they'll be able to comprehend your reason for not choosing to show up for a baby shower. The feelings of closeness need to be on both the side right.... what's the point on being a part of their happiness if they are not even qualified to understand your disappointments and demand you compromise. You have every right to protect yourself emotionally no one can reason otherwise.

[Hidden in reply to Gia_9]

In a days time nobody will care move on if they are really upset about it they need to grow up.