Good morning ladies,
I just need to be open and honest about how my life has been recently and I feel like this is the safest place for me to do that.
My endometriosis has had me feeling absolutely exhausted, bloated and in pain and I have hardly been going to work since the new year. I work as a supply nursery nurse, three days a week, as I am at college one day and placement another day (nearly finished my therapeutic counselling diploma). I have had so many absences due to my endometriosis and feeling low and depressed and I am hiding it from my boyfriend (live with), family and friends. I have always felt extremely guilty when I have needed to take days off school or work since being a child and this has become so bad that I am pretending to those close to me that I have been in work when I haven’t.
To add to the inner guilt, anxiety and struggle, I don’t get paid when I am off sick due to being on a zero hours contract. I simply get paid when I work and don’t get paid if I don’t work. So I am living on very little money.
I am starting CBT therapy soon on the NHS and this is my main issue that I want to address: the lying and being able to get up and out of bed on the morning to go to work. On the weeks that I go into work, it makes me feel so much better because I enjoy it and I’m being honest with my loved ones. But on days like today, I feel stupid, anxious, guilty and not good enough.
I lie because I am extremely fearful of people leaving me and of not being good enough for others. I hope that you all don’t think I’m ridiculous. I have just got myself into a silly situation and I’m finding it difficult to get out of.
Hope you are all ok and not in too much pain today xx