Endo has defiled my body and rocked my confidence; but its time to fight back.

[MeggH]

So I was diagnosed with Endo in 2015 and to be honest with you the past 3 years have been rough, and they weren't exactly great to begin with. After 2 laparoscopy's (the last being September 2017 with the addition of a coil too) the endo is still hanging around and as I'm just coming out of a dark place I'm just realising how much endo has taken from me.

I've never had a great deal of confidence before but I've had decent drive and an ability to push forward to better myself and my life/situation. But this has literally dwindled and, until extremely recently, has virtually disappeared. I'm less social, less connected, I avoid so many activities and opportunities in all aspects of my life. I watch them wash on by, feeling how pointless it would be to even ATTEMPT to grasp at them. The light I used to see covering my world was extinguished. I've lost all purpose and point to my life.

I realise that endo has destroyed my body confidence. Although not happy with my body I maintained it with regular exercise and general attention/care. Over the 3 years I've ignored it more and more and I realise that thats because I wish to be apart from it. I've wanted to escape - heck part of me still does! - to be "normal". Why bother to care for something that traps you, restricts you, sucks away your confidence, threatens your relationship, causes you pain and separates you from your peers - all with no hope of a "fix", all due to no fault of your own.

I did the right things, I got the help and had the operations, all whilst switching further and further off, trying to not focus on the pain or my body at all. I ignored it in a hope to separate myself from it, to just keep my mind strong and disown this "thing" that no longer felt like part of me, this thing I no longer wanted to be part of me, or even all of me.

Thats the key part right there - I no longer WANTED my body. I feel betrayed by it, I honestly do. As a 22 year old adult I feel so robbed of something I only tasted a bit of, that freedom, those worry-less, simple, easy days. I do feel robbed of that, and you know what, yes, it sucks (for lack of stronger words) but its not coming back and this dwelling has lasted too long. Its time to take back the responsibility, its time to take control of my body again. I'm going to try to love it and to do that I need to invest, to nurture and care for it. I need to make this "place", this trap, into a home where I don't just survive, but where I bloody flourish. I might not be physically comfortable here, but I can be emotionally comfortable, and isn't that enough? It may just be for me.

So with this new year, with this scrambling up the walls of the rabbit hole, comes this realisation. So if you are feeling like this, this is what I have to say: You may be trapped in your bodies like me, but you know what, I think we're all better than this, I think its time to accept your bodies and make them better however you can. Don't let your body, don't let endo, take your mind and your life because it CAN and it WILL.

DON'T go down that path and if you're already there, and you see even a glimpse of light, grasp the hell outta that and scramble until you're free. Thats my plan (finally I'm in a place to make a plan!!) I WILL take responsibility and I WILL try and care for my body once more - maybe I can make it worth loving again one day.

I just felt like sharing, which doesn't happen often. Endo can so quickly and easily drag you down and keep you there, so I hope you're all trying to escape too - endometriosis CANNOT define us. It WILL NOT.

(p.s: I do worry about speaking like this when i know so many others out there have bodies in much worse shape than me that would give anything to have a body thats as dysfunctional as mine as i know it can get a heck of a lot worse and I wish no disrespect to anyone in that situation, this is just my personal feelings.)

[SarahMia227]

Thank you, I needed this - it's so hard to love your body when it's bloated and in pain, and stopping you from having sex (those are my symptoms anyway) but it's worth remembering that giving up won't do anything.

[Starry]

Beautifully expressed. I can relate.. .. Not quite at the scrambling back up stage just yet (probanly having an extra 20years means I've less energy) but hoping to be able to contemplate it soon xx

Good luck in your fightback. Xx

[Sarahdione in reply to Starry]

I totally get you. At 43 years old, it's so hard to find that motivation to get back on top. The longer you live with this disease, the harder it is to find the energy to fight back.

I will have to dig down deep as I so desperately want to feel better about myself too.

Good luck starry xx

[Starry in reply to Sarahdione]

Im 43 in May x

Hang in there x it's especially tough after surgery when it's not gone smoothly or there are complications.. I've been there.

Be kind and gentle to yourself..You will find a way through.

[MeggH in reply to Sarahdione]

It's so hard isn't it. I'm sorry you've suffered from this for so long, it's certainly hard to stay positive. A large part of my post is as a reminder to myself that I am trying. Sometimes I wonder whether I am just being negative, dramatic or simply lazy, so this is a dated reminder, and I think that's important. Personally I live very spontaneously in my moods, I don't dwell, when I'm sad I forget that I've ever been happy, when I'm happy I forget I was ever sad etc, thinking like that it has its positives and negatives haha but it applies to pain, when I'm not in pain I think I forget I ever was and just live in the moment for as long as I can. So I've taken to writing down, recording if you like, the goods and the bads to help get a rounded overview. And when I am stuck in those bad times I can read back on the good ones and maybe, just maybe, I can pull some of that motivation or positivity right off the page and back into my life.

Who knows, it may all be just wishful thinking or naive dreaming, but as you know there's not much else we can do to fix ourselves unfortunately.

All the best friend!

[Kjade]

So relatable x