Being a friend .... and pregnant!

[louise1981]

Hello everyone,

A friend of mine might have endometriosis - she has been trying to conceive for over a year and has had an ultrasound and is awaiting blood test. I want to be a good friend, so I have read alot about endometriosis and learned alot, and have offered to meet up with her, but I am 5 months pregnant myself and starting to show...and I don't want to rub her nose in it, as I know she desperately wants kids.

Any advice?

[Brottonbabe]

Hi, I'm new to this site but am on the endometriosis site too. 

From personal experience it sounds like you're being a great friend regardless. It feels so lovely when someone researches the condition and takes an interest. My two best friends fell pregnant last year when I miscarried. Ultimately I struggled with one as she kept telling me how awful pregnancy was but the other friend kept me updated but didn't push it if I didn't want to talk. I was thrilled for them both anyway and wanted to share in their experience. 

We all have our own journies in life, you're just on a slightly different one right now and shouldn't feel bad for that. I told myself it's not my time but it will be and it now is so hopefully she will react in the same way. You're showing that you're sensitive to her needs anyway and I think she'd probably rather know and share in your fantastic news with you. 

Good luck xx

[Brottonbabe in reply to Brottonbabe]

Oh this is the endo site. I'm all confused as I think I just joined another one too ha. So ignore that first line...! X

[louise1981 in reply to Brottonbabe]

Hi, am new to this too so getting used to it, all very confusing.

Thanks for your reply.  The 'own journeys' in life thing struck a chord with me as I too have had a miscarriage in the past.

Someone once said to me 'without it's ups and downs, a roller coster would only be a train';  Guess that's life!

Good luck with everything, Brottonbabe!

xx

[applebird in reply to Brottonbabe]

Brotton - Congratulations chick - so happy for you 😊😊😊 xxx

[Brottonbabe in reply to applebird]

Thanks applebird early days and one step at a time. Expect some panicked messages at some point...! X

[applebird in reply to Brottonbabe]

Awww I know first trim is a nervy time and you feel so crap too - lots of rest and enjoy it, I found preg yoga from about 14 wks very good. Msg anytime xx

[applebird]

You're def being a fab friend - well done you, reading up is the best thing you can do. There's no way around it am afraid, she will see bump and immediately think stress, hospital, fertility, operations etc etc. It's not about not being happy for you - she will be - it's just that bumps are triggers I guess! 

Tips to make it a good experience for her

1) listen - but you knew that already right?!

2) do not under any circumstances (if any of these apply) talk about how it wasn't planned/ how you wish you were doing that course or taking up that job you'd planned for/ complain endlessly about preg symptoms (I'm preg with pgp, morning sickness etc etc - it is a walk in the park compared to endo)/ complain in general (I once had a preg friend complain her bump wasn't as nice as other women's bumps .....)/def do not go on about how you were hammered drunk before you knew you were preg or any of that caper

3) be aware that even having sex for your friend may be painful and thus infrequent so being at it like bunnies mightn't be a goer for her and her partner.

4) be proud of your bump but do not wear excessively tight showy off clothing when with your friend. Also do not, no matter if the baby is doing acrobatics, decide to have a 'let's pull up my jumper and chat to the baby, feel the baby' moment whilst in your friends company - I had this happen when my preg friend decided to meet me to talk about the fact I'd had a miscarriage due to Endo - it honestly was like being hit with a bus to the face. I once wore a coat for the duration of an Endo meeting whilst trying to hide my own pregnancy so I wouldn't upset anyone - wouldn't recommend that either lol cardigans and baggy jumpers are good

5) when she's not talking about her stuff, pepper the baby talk with normal stuff like what is happening at work, what films you've seen recently, friends in common etc. Share your excitement with her so she doesn't feel excluded but at the same time she really won't want to hear the intricate details of the nursery or how you bagged multiple bargains in the mamas and papas sale, she will literally be thinking omg third world problems!

Hope that helps, trust your instincts, she's your friend and you know her well, she will guide you as to what she's comfortable with. If you get into the Endo talk, you could tell her that you've been reading up and really want to be there for her, I'm sure she'd appreciate that xx

[louise1981 in reply to applebird]

thanks for your reply, all sounds like good advice. Good luck with everything xx

[Sam341]

What an amazing friend you are!!! I really do wish I had someone like you in my life. 

The one thing that will really really hurt your friend is if you act different! It will hurt her that this condition is changing her friendship with you. I am sure many others will agree that this condition takes a lot away from us but it makes us appreciate what we do have. 

Keep being you!! She is your friend and knows you well so she will know when you are watching what you are doing/saying. 

 She might feel sad and angry but it will never be at you for being you. It will be at this horrible condition. 

If you have something to share about the pregnancy/baby/preparation share it, if you would normally show your bump then show it. 

A lie always hurts more than the truth. 

Congratulation on your pregnancy. And all the best. Xx 

[louise1981 in reply to Sam341]

thanks for taking the time to reply, all the best xx