Low. Confused. In Pain.

This is my first post. This isn't the beginning of my journey, but it's the beginning of me recording it.

Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamt of having children. Not a wedding. Not a career. A baby.

I am having a laparoscopy to discover the extent of my endometriosis. I struggle with daily activities and pop more pain killers than a drug addict, but somehow I still pick myself up and go to work. Each day wears me out. I work full time in retail, its a extremely active job and I am in the management team. The more I work the more I struggle. Its a constant battle.

I wake up every night in pain with my stomach,mainly on my lower left side. I feel like crying but my stupid antidepressants hold me back from releasing my frustration. So I bottle it up.

All I want is for the pain to stop and be told that I can have a baby. I want to be normal. I wonder if this is my pay back for being suicidal in the past. Maybe its because I'm not supposed to be a mother.

10 Replies

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  • I know what you're going through, I have felt the same - that's it's some sort of punishment - it's not! I have suffered (and still do) from depression - I've been on anti depressants and seen counsellors 

    Its a horrible condition that we all have that isn't recognised enough! If you read through others experiences on this site it is such a relief to know that you're not alone - you're not imagining this pain and the stress and exhaustion that goes along with it! 

    I'm currently waiting for ivf, I had a lap done last year and after the surgery was told "it was a bit of a mess in there" by the consultant - I actually felt so much relief knowing that it wasn't all in my head! 

    Please don't give up hope, we are all here for each other and if u need to you can pm me!

    Big hugs xo

  • Thank you. I'm so relieved that I'm not the only one. I don't wish this on anyone but I am glad there are people to talk to that understand x

  • Hello you are so right. Now who wouldn't end up with depression and/or anxiety when each day is a battle. I've had clinical depression my full adult life put down to a range of traumatic events and other (misdiagnosed) problems. Pull yourself together its only cramp so does not help! Its such a lonely thing to suffer as unless you experience it you cannot completely understand. I feel so guilty about always moaning I'm in pain. If lap helps me people would see I'm really not a grumpy person. Hope your journey is going well. Px

  • Hi there I really empathise with you. I'm scheduled for laparoscopy next month having been diagnosed with so many other conditions till I got new gp and finally someone believed me! Could've cried then just to be understood. I'm a team leader at work but depend a lot on my long suffering colleagues to help me as (despite) working for NHS my bosses don't understand or recognise when I'm doubled up  it is wearing me down as feel I'm constantly moaning and being grumpy due to pain and pain meds. I can tell everyone is thinking oh shut up! Of course you are not being punished. Although it may feel like it. This is not your fault at all!!! The fact you are managing to hold everything together and work full time with this horrible condition shows you're made of strong stuff! Px

  • You are not alone, you are not been punished, it just happend. I know what you are going through, i know what it is like to feel this way. I got the same. 

    I was diagnosed with endometriosis in 2014. I still suffer now even  when doctors said everything will be fine after surgery. 

    Work is exhausting and tiring. I have been signed off from work last year because of dealing with depression/burnout. It was hard going and wasnt sure what was happening to me. Dealing with a lot of anger and sadness is difficult. I am back to work now, it is going better emotionally, but physically it is still hard. 

    I hope they can find the cause if your pain and as well they will let you know if you can have a baby.

    I wish you all the best. Xx

  • Thank you x

  • Look after yourself! And hope your questions will be answered soon. X

  • Hi it is not pay back. Endo can actually cause depression so please don't be so hard on yourself. And it's no wonder you're depressed if you're in so much pain. Are you having excision or is it just a diagnostic lap? You're not alone in this hunnie we are all here to help and support you. Have you had any ultrasound or mri scans? 

  • Ive had a ultrasound and they found nothing but mainly looked at my bladder.

    The said that if they see the cells on the outside of my womb they will do the precedor there and then. But the chances of it coming back are so high and im really worried.

    Everyone keeps telling me not to think about it but when your trying to ignore the pain and what it could be its exhausting.

    Thank you for replying 

  • Hi please don't ever think its pay back. I've been through alot over the last few years and suffer daily with abdominal pains and backache. I myself have been suicidal in my past due to family issues and have suffered with depression and sadly anti depressants make you feel allsorts of emotions. Sounds like you are going through a very difficult patch and having people on here who have experienced the same or who have a very good understanding of what your going through will help you lots. Its took a few years before I had my laparoscopy and was finally diagnosed with endometriosis and I have struggled since to get Drs and the consultants to understand just how much pain discomfort and disruption it can have on your life. I've been told to just ignore the pain or pop a few more pills but doesn't solve the problem. We are all here to help each other 😊

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