Endo and relationships

[17yearoldgirl]

Does anyone else feel that their endo or any other health problem affect their relationships?

[Flowerpot23]

Yes..!

I'm 24 and endo has effected my relationship with my boyfriend quite significantly. Mainly because sex is very painful for me and so that obviously has a negative effect on a relationship. Luckily I have a fantastic boyfriend who is very supportive but it is stil difficult. I feel very guilty for being a rubbish girlfriend in that sense. As far as family and friends are concerned ... I've found when I'm in pain my mood is pretty bad which in turn effects my family and the pain / tiredness effects my social life. Are you finding things difficult?

[17yearoldgirl in reply to Flowerpot23]

Thank you so much for your reply! i find it difficult to go out an enjoy myself because of the pain and how tired i constantly am. The person i have been talking too told me that he doesnt want a relationship with me, hasn't given me a reason but i feel that its because i cant give him everything that he wants

[MissBennett]

Absolutely! I'm 24 as well, my parter is fantastic about looking after me when I'm in pain and painful sex isn't much of an issue with him. I'm usually the one to inoculate things and have gotten quite good at knowing when and where it will be painful. Plus, we're both of the opinion that penile vaginal penitrative sex is not everything and will quite happily have a grand time without it. However, having suffered from painful sex on and off for as much of my life as I've had it my advice would be: if it hurts, stop. Explain succinctly, don't over apologise (because you haven't done anything wrong!) and try and fine other non-painful ways to enjoy yourselves together, it doesn't have to be a big thing every time, you can often still have fun! One thing that is important, don't feel guilty. Guilt about something you can't change is debilitating, it'll only serve to make you depressed and put the relationship under more stain. Also, if they push for you to engage in painful sex when you said you don't want to, then it's at best attempted coersement and at worst, rape. If that sort of thing happens, don't put up with it! Your right to enjoyment and autonomy does not diminish one bit because of any illness.

What I have found hard is how to help my partner take in the situation and start thinking about what he wants: half chance of kids now, an almost definite long stuggle struggle later in life or to leave me so he doesn't have to think about it at all yet. Boys are hard.

[17yearoldgirl in reply to MissBennett]

thank you so much for your reply! You are so lucky that you have found someone that helps you and looks after you on your good and bad days! Hope you get better soon! stay strong! may i ask when you were diagnosed and how old you were?

[MissBennett in reply to 17yearoldgirl]

Sure, I was only diagnosed just over a week ago but I've been suffering with symptoms since age 13, I've been seeking help for it since age 14 but was not taken seriously until now.

If the boy only wants a relationship with you if it involves sex then he's not the way to go. That's not conservatism talking at all (as I'm by no means that) it's just sence. Even if you were 100% well, 10 or 20 years older and seeking out somone specifically for sex then I would still say the same thing. The well beings of all persons involed in any relationship has to be of higher importance than anything you might do together, otherwise nobody will be happy in the long run. I hardly know anything about him so couldn't possibly say what you should do. However, if you'd like some practical advice on how to feel more confident navigating such things or would would just like to talk more privatly then please do feel free to pm me any time.

[catseyes71]

Hi 16 - firstly, I'm not a sufferer, I came on this site when my friend was diagnosed with endo so that I could understand more about it and try to offer her more constructive help. Endo certainly does affect relationships - I can't bear to see someone I love and care for in pain, in breaks my heart. I have seen side-effects from not just the condition but also the cocktail of drugs - very disorientating mood swings, severe depression, shouting, crying, lashing out, blaming those closest etc etc.

It's very difficult for us "carers" at times to stand back and take the heat without feeling that the sufferer is either too being demanding, unreasonable or just ungrateful. We do it though because we care and love for the patient. Others (in my friend's case, her ex-boyfriend) may not be as sympathetic and it's as well to distinguish between those who will stick by you and those who just shy away or tell you to "man up" (yes, I've even heard that said!!)

I wish all the ladies on this site the very best and hope you receive the love, care and support you all need throughout this horrid, debilitating illness xx

[17yearoldgirl in reply to catseyes71]

Thank you so much for your reply! ive had people telling me to man up too! your friend is so lucky to have you as a friend! Most of my friends have told me 'stop faking it' 'you're over exaggerating it' 'it cant be that bad'- when people tell you things like this it makes you feel so down that they dont believe you! Your friend is so lucky to have you, someone that goes out of their way to help and understand! i wish there were more people like you in this world to help us thats going through a horrible ordeal!

[dolly26]

Hi 16 with my first relationship my endo affected it (undiagnosed at that time) as sex was so painful but he didn't understand. I am very lucky now as my hubby understands if I have to stop things but he has been with me from I was diagnosed. My friends don't really understand so I don't speak about it much. On the other hand my mum and my sister have been fab and understand when my hormones etc are going mad.

[Timothy31]

Hi,

I have stage 4 endo, possible PCOS and im 18. Endo has affected my life in general so it has impacted on my relationships. For example when I first met my boyfriend, I was very much the hyper, silly and slightly popular girlfriend. Since then I have lost most of my friends as they dont understand at all, im constantly tired and currently waiting on another op, so im pretty stressed. It does put a strain on all relationships and friendships but it gets you to notice which ones are worth it and which ones are a waste of time. Luckily im still with my boyfriend. But I am stressed, tired and quite emotional at times. I find that my immune system is pretty rubbish as well and I have a lot of allergies and side effects from lots of medications. Not idea if that's part of it .

Wish you lots of luck!

[Bryonybear18]

Sorry I've only just seen your post but really had to comment! It does completely, I actually broke up with my partner for 6 weeks because I came to the point he didn't see me any more just a sick person who needed to be looked after with was great in one sense but seemed to enhance the fact that I am just a disease not a human with other needs! It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I just couldn't be with someone who I was making miserable, my endo is my problem not his so why should he have to ruin his life being with me and missing out on all the things he had planned? I literally hated what I was doing to him so ended things, 6 weeks later we were back together and haven't looked back. I explained everything to him, my fear of him leaving me for someone better suited, staying with me because he 'had' to, trying to force a relationship to work which wouldn't etc and the only thing he said was he loved me, all of me and there was nothing I could ever do to change that. I'm 22 and was diagnose shortly after we got together, if your partner truly does love you then you can work through the difficulties together it may be hard but it can make your relationship stronger in the long run.

[17yearoldgirl in reply to Bryonybear18]

Its fine, every help counts! firstly im so sorry to hear that you had to go through all of that! i also had a similar thing happened, when i posted this post we wern't 'officially' together, since my post we stopped talking for a bit but then he realised that he wanted to be with me despite my health, now we're together, it made us realise that we do want to be together even if my health complicates things! He's the best, he understands that sometimes when i see him that im not feeling well or that my pain gets worse! I can imagine that its hard deciding that taking a brake might be the best thing- but luckily for you and youre partner it worked our for the best!

I hope you're keeping well!