Please help

My boyfriend is 27 and has been suffering from ED. Our relationship is relatively new and here it is the holiday season and its really killing us. We have an awesome relationship outside the bedroom but in the bedroom.. Not so much.. We have started the blame game and its getting hurtful.

I know that a lot of ED issues are caused from lack of blood flow and poor diet can cause this as well. My concern is that he is only 27 and for the last 8 weeks he wont even try to touch me because he knows the soldier wont stand at attention and its causing me to feel unloved and unwanted and its making him feel like he is not man enough even tho he doesn't say it I know he has to be feeling terrible. We almost broke up this week because of this. I do not want to loose a really great guy because we cant resolve this issue..

I wont lie he is stubborn and eats a horrible diet. Pizza and fast food. NO Fruits or Veggies.. That has to reek havoc on he body.. But he wont listen to me because I think he feels like I am assaulting him with a full frontal attack. I love this man to the core of my inner being.. He is good to me and he is a kind person but this issue is turning us both into miserable individuals..

So any advise would be so much appreciated. I want to save my relationship because He is worth saving. I dont want to walk away from this because I know I will live to regret it..

20 Replies

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  • I can tell that you have the right attitude to work things out. It takes both of you to do that however. My advice would be to use mindfulness to observe your situation and encounters without judgment. It's easy for guilt and blame to take hold, but I can see that you don't want that to happen. This is nobody's fault really. It seems to me you need one another now more than ever. Try to be less penis-centric. There are ways to make love without a hard penis. Embrace them and enjoy them. If you haven't already, learn to enjoy a warmth of togetherness that transcends any sex act. Your love for your mate is at least half the battle won. Especially if he feels the same toward you, I'd hate for that to slip away. Hold your tongues when it is appropriate. Harsh words exchanged with one another can be very difficult to mend. Best of luck to you.

  • The problem is #1 he refuses to see a doctor and #2 he refuses to explore other avenues which leaves me feeling like the bad person. He doesn't like to discuss it. Says its his job and its hard for him to change gears and to go from work mode to every day mode and I'm just at a point where I'm ready to give up because it obviously isn't him... In his eyes its me. And I really don't make it about his penis either. He just shuts down. :-(

  • I am concerned about you. You obviously can't control him. All you can control is yourself. If he doesn't really believe there is a problem that needs addressing, you may need to move on. That would be painful I can see, but you seem to be brutally torturing yourself already. I can't say what the problem is, but I suspect now that it is more than just ED. I am now wondering if maybe the two of you aren't looking for different things from this relationship. Maybe he'd prefer a more platonic relationship with you. If I am wrong about that, well okay. But it's something I think you should otherwise seriously consider. I can't see this up close, so again, please understand I could be totally wrong. What I do know is that you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. If the two of you are meant to be, perhaps letting go of him will stir something inside him to want to seek help. If not, it sadly probably wasn't meant to be. As heartbreaking as that would clearly be for you, it would only be harder if you drag out a relationship that is destined to fail. Two people share a problem here and only one appears to be invested enough to want to solve it.

  • You know its interesting that you say that because we have had this discussion as well....I actually told him not to hold onto our relationship for my sake. He told me that we will work through it and we will be fine. So your point is very valid. We have tons in common and have many of the same goals. But you have a strong point. I agree

  • I merge a bit off-topic here, by default. However, I want to add some thoughts along the lines of my assumptions (and again, those may be wrong). As long as you're cool with it, you two may be a better team in allowing the relationship to have less sexual focus, or maybe even no sexual focus. It is crucial that (1) the two of you be on a level playing field and (2) you remain true to yourselves. Your relationship doesn't have to be traditionally defined. It doesn't have to have a label. If it turns out to work better as an non-traditional relationship, it can be a wonderful and even magical thing. Finding someone in this world who you get along with, who embraces mutual dignity and respect, and who shares your goals and dreams is rare. At least in my larger head, I believe sex is icing rather than the cake. And as a man who has been recently challenged by ED, I have had that belief reconfirmed. Again, my liberal assumption here is that ED isn't at the crux of this matter and particularly not any physically caused ED. When I was 27, if I would have had reason to think I had a medical problem causing ED, I wouldn't have needed any coaxing to seek medical help. Fear would have motivated me to get to a urologist. The others are right in asserting that it's unlikely to be diet related. I'm no doctor, but I think male hormones are generally still raging plenty enough at age 27 to easily overcome most bad lifestyle choices. (It may be a concern that your boyfriend doesn't take better care of himself, but that is another matter.) Erectile function is without denial an important part of what defines our self-concepts as men, but I truly believe we are our humanity long before we are our gender. Whatever the nature of this "dysfunction," it certainly seems like your friend isn't able to directly control it. He may already feel so bad about it that your frustration becomes like salt on a wound. He can't help but be ultra sensitive to your frustration, believe me. The slightest expression of it from you may feel to him like undue pressure. It may simply be that he doesn't have a powerful sexual attraction to you and yet he does have a strong emotional connection. Regardless, I hope you can both purposely stop the blame game. Many things just *are* without being anyone's fault. Reorienting the relationship might be a solution. Many couples evolve to be much better friends than they are lovers. It's a bit sad, but I think how friends will oftentimes be forever more than lovers are. It's really nice when our lover is also our best friend, but let's face it- it's not all that common. We all have sexual needs. Fulfilling them in a sexless domestic relationship is certainly an added challenge. If a couple can physically bond at least through touch, it can help the sex part be less of a challenge, but it is still substantial. Contrary to what some say, these are not necessarily insurmountable challenges. You two apparently don't even live together now, so it would be premature to get too concerned about all of that now. I think we all would be well advised to just let life flow on its own accord more often. What I am possibly feebly trying to say here is that if your relationship can be nourished from a slightly different framework, there are a number of directions it might unexpectedly and healthfully evolve. And de-emphasizing sex from the equation now wouldn't necessarily mean it would stay that way. If you make as good a team as you've expressed, I think it is worth thinking outside the box in an effort to keep it. Only you and he can assess whether that is practical, however. You first would need to assess how strong your sexual attraction to him is. If sexual attraction is at the foundation for you, then it would be asking too much of yourself to inhibit it. You didn't say in your reply, but if that's it (and my other assumptions are right), you'd probably have little valid choice except to move on. I wish you well.

  • At age 27 I doubt that his diet is the cause of ED. I think there is another underlying problem. It could be a health issue that could be found through simple blood tests. Has he had a physical, or seen a Doctor about this issue. It could be just physiological . I would explore all the possibilities and seek help for the problem. At age 27 he should be able to stand like a solider. I am not a Doctor, but there has to be some cause, and those I mentioned I would address. You never said if he has looked for help to remedy the situation.

    This issue can be solved, he just needs help form professionals to find out Why this is happening. He is too young to have this problem , that affects both of you.

    Get help! find out why! There is an answer. G' Luck!

  • Yeah he refuses to see a doctor and when I suggest it he gets real mad at me.

  • I would give him an ultimatum. He either sees a Doctor, or quite possible your marriage is at stake. If he gets mad, then you have ever right to peruse what ever it takes to bring him to a realization that he needs professional help. You guys are too young for this to continue. He is being unfair to you. You can't hog tie him to a Doctor, but stern words might help.

    G'Luck

  • Sorry, I asumed you guys were married. Well, in that case I would tell him I am moving on. That might get his attention.

  • Like one of the other gentlemen said, let me put it in caps! HE NEEDS TO SEE A MEDICAL DOCTOR, PREFERABLY A UROLOGIST! And although it may seem to you that you are helping him by making it an important issue in your relationship, by making it such an important PERSONAL issue in YOUR mind and telling him so, that in itself is a BIG part of HIS problem. Achieving an erection must be a natural occurrence. It cannot be achieved by wishing!

  • You seem to think I badger him. Which I don't. Our relationship is new like 3 months new. We should be humping like monkeys. He refuses to see a doctor and you can lead a horse to water. I suggested that we take a break because in the three months we have been together its happened 3 times only. He refuses to even attempt any 4 play. Which if he even just tried to compensate me would be nice ya know. Like one of the other people stated there are many ways to make love it doesn't have to involve penitration but when only one person in the equation is even willing to try to resolve it and the other takes it as a full on frontal attack its hard. I'm not a very abrasive person. I am how ever frustrated because he assumes every joke I make that even hints at sex is a jab at him when its nothing to do with that at all.

    I care about this man a great deal. But he just won't see a urologist and the thought of it makes him so furious with me and that doesn't go over so well either. But he has to want to do it ya know. The conversations all come down to it being my fault. And that I push him away because I'm trying to be supportive and understanding. We do not live together so we don't see a lot of one another. So absence is not working in my favor. I'm really trying to be supportive. But he thinks there is nothing wrong. I sincerely worry that there is a more serious underlying problem. Like heart disease. He lives on pizza and junk food. It can't be good for blood flow...

    Also just to make it clear to you. When you only see a person 8 days in a month and they don't even try to do more than kiss you? It hurts because you begin to believe you have something wrong with you. I never said anything for 4 weeks and he got pissed then. So on week 8 I brought it up again because its painful for me as well. And that's when the blame game started. Its not like I approach him and I'm all over him grouping him and trying to entice him. So I don't really know because he shuts down and won't discuss it and I'm bad if I wanna help.

  • Well pardon me if it seemed to you that I said you were badgering him. That was not my intent at all. But women need to understand that sexual function, even as minor as getting a "boner" or a "woody" or a "hard on" when you are 9 or 10 years old, to being able to perform as a man regardless of age is A BIG DEAL, and perhaps one of the biggest issue a man can have. So any comments from the partner, be it male OR female is just a reminder to him of his failure as a man. And the reason he isn't interested in foreplay is because if he fails to get an erection, it only makes him feel more like a failure in the most basic man issue. This is an issue that is very difficult for many women to understand as it is much easier for the women to "fake it", BUT impossible for a man to if there is no erection.

    But having said that, that is HIS problem and HE needs to take care of it by finding out what's wrong. The harder he tries on this issue WITHOUT medical help only adds to the problem.

  • Tell him to talk with his doctor to use Tab. Sialis 2 mg for 3 months

  • There are dozens of causes of ED. Has he checked out a venous leak? Most ED in young men is caused by this more than traditional causes as would be found in older men. It could be psychological, but in most cases the physical leads to psychological and you get a vicious circle. The penis is a tricky organ.

    I overwhelmingly suggest that he goes to a urologist ASAP. This could end up being a very simple problem with a simple solution and it would be a tragedy to end such a beautiful relationship over something as dumb as this.

  • Thank you I will try to talk to him about getting checked. He is definitely not pro doctor. Blames it on stress and then says a lot of people in his profession have this problem. He is currently not really talking to me so there's that as well.

  • Go to Franktalk.org. There are blogs about every part of men's sexual workings - especially in the arena of male genitalia (hence the name "Franktalk"). Maybe you could get him to look at that somehow. No talking necessary and he can see things for himself. Stress can be a factor but, at his age, if it keeps on, it very well could be a venous leak or some physical issue. (You can check out "venous leak" on Franktalk.org.)

  • See if this fits. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venou...

    If it does just send it as an email and tell him "it will save him a trip to the urologist." (It won't, but if he can at least identify it, it can solve a lot of emotional issues for him.) Hope this helps.

  • Hi - this has happened to so many of people on this site - and off, as the man you feel like - well- not a man & that your letting your partner down - so it's a double hit , I know it's hard- I went through exactly this with my partner , talking about it -indirectly will help - you need to support each other, and - a g.p and/ urologist . The tablets will help - diet can play a very small part at that age- don't give up

  • Hi. I can imagine that this must be incredibly frustrating for you. When you're in a new relationship, one always wants one's partner to make them feel wanted and attractive.

    Like the other people who have responded, I don't think a bad diet is the cause of this - not at such a young age. You don't say so, but I'm presuming your boyfriend is also not a heavy smoker or takes other drugs - as those can also impact on erectile function (although again, he's young for this sort of problem EVEN if he is a heavy smoker).

    The fact that you are in a new relationship may be adding to the pressure he may feel. We can all feel performance pressure when in a new relationship - particularly if it's with someone that we really want to impress or fear losing.

    Has he given any indication of having these problems with other girlfriends? Does he indicate that this is the 'norm' for him, or if it's something that has developed since meeting you?

    If this if the norm for him, that could be contributing to him not seeing it as a problem.

    Maybe he is quite asexual? Low libido or sexual feeling, but still wishing for closeness and companionship?

    Clearly, however, this is a problem for you, and you have to look after yourself too. What makes this all the more difficult is if he refuses to discuss the matter or thinks there is no problem in your relationship. There are things you can do that don't involve penetration, but it sounds like he's not interested in that side of things either.

    Getting him to see that there is a problem is a start, but you unfortunately can't drag him to see a doctor. Unfortunately, it might take an ultimatum from you or even the end of a relationship for him to realize that he might want to discuss this with a medical expert - be it a doctor or counsellor.

    Good luck with everything - you sound a very supportive person.

  • I can totally relate. Even more . My husband has had"issues" for over 5 years.The only action Ive gotten is a few long oral sessions ( to him only). He's the love of my dreams and we just celebtated our 10th anniversary. All I wanted was him.

    Question for anyone...is there something natural(we both have liver problems) that helps with ed and the prostate? Ive read black molasses,acv,cayenne capsules,etc. Any suggestions??? I miss the emotions almost as the act itself and sex helped with my anxiety and self esteem.

    Any suggestions anyone?

    Are there only 2 women here? Though I don't mind male options suggestions etc

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