Binge drinking!

I’ve been binge drinking mainly on weekends for the last 3 years with the odd day in the week if I’m on holiday or working from home the next day and when I now get invited to events like bbq’s and dinners I get so anxious and not want to go because on a few occasions I was such a complete mess and just embarrassed myself. For my so called friends it was all fun at the time but for me deep down I just wanted to kill myself when the next day I found out all the crap I done. Why do I do it? Why cant I control it? That feeling of numbness when you are so intoxicated just gets rid of all your pains you’ve been holding in everyday from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to sleep at night. I’m i an alcoholic? Maybe.Do I get up in the mornings needing a drink to get going and have withdrawals symptoms if I don’t ? No. I want to find the right balance but when I start with one or two beers I just can’t stop because of all the demons I’ve been keeping inside all these years.In a way I’m punishing myself for the mistakes I have made and pray to myself to end it all as it would be so much easier because i seem to just upset the people around me who love me. I just want to hear people what they have done to beat this. I’m scared it’s going to turn into a permanent daily occurrence.I used to play lots of sports but due to some injuries and surgeries I was left with severe chronic pain. I’ve tried all antidepressants, opioids and painkillers etc and alcohol is the only one which helps the best.

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Hi I found meditation classes good the teachings the Buddhist philosophy helps us to look a bit more beyond our troubles and realise there is always someone worst off than us I believe and accept more it's Khama we are paying back from previous life things we did it's just easier to accept our lot then I have had health problems in the past ulcerative colitis 6 years ago the specialist said my colon thin and would need medication for life or have a bag for my poo I was horrified I read the meds would gdamage my bones I read health books and on a strict diet I cured my self my colon skin got repaired somewhat but I still have worries I don't have your pain just manageble bad back and knee arthritis but I understand pain from my bruised ribs from my fall I'm still struggling to get out bed so I sympathize with you. I guess fear is the strongest emotion we have and my shock of liver damage has stopped me drinking also I have found a diversion re furnishing my house luckily I have the money which is taking up my time I still think.about drinking when settling down to watch TV on a night but I can't as if I die who will look after my cat and my family and friends will suffer, I'm hoping my liver will heel and can have a sensible drink but I read after 2 weeks a habit is gone maby I won't want to drink

It would help you if you could join a group with similar people who have pain like you pain management group there's all sorts of things you could even set one up hope this helps