I am new to this site and am hoping to maybe gain some helpful tips on this.... I am now dealing with lots of anger and resentment towards him and it bothers me. It hurts to see him struggle to breathe, I know it is not his fault, well in away it is as he smoked for many many years. I know I shouldn't get mad or upset at him but I do. We have been together long time, since 10th grade (1973) married in 81.
2 years ago my hubby had to reitre from work at the age 59 (I was 58), his lung function then was 27%, over inflated because he is not able to empty them properly. He did pretty good at hiding the problems he was having until his weight dropped down to 160. I remember the appointment with the Pulmonary doctor, she walks in and told him she was a lung doctor and his results scared her she couldn't believe he was still working. She wanted to know why he was still working, he had hid from his co-workers and myself just how bad he was struggling to breathe and how there where times his heart felt it would just jump out of his chest. Needless to say he didn't go back to work after that appointment.
Now fast forward 2 years and his lung function has dropped to 20%. He can not do anything even with using supplemental oxygen. He walks up 5 stairs to get in the house and is winded. In a matter of 5 minutes he can go from being in a good mood to so pissed off or depressed and there is nothing I can do but watch.... He gets mad at himself because he can't even mow the lawn, he tried and it took him a couple hours to do. As I watched I worried about him exerting himself to much.
I just can't seem to say the right things to him, he gets upset. If I try and do things he use to do, he gets pissed. I know he is depressed, has panic/anxiety attacks but refuses to go see someone for them... I feel so lost and sometimes alone.
The wife who feels lost and helpless
Written by
RoxieAnn
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I have copd and I do feel as if my husband blames me, Its a terrible feeling ! You just have to let him know that you understand because not to many people do. He needs to talk to the dr. About his anxiety there are meds out there that really help anxiety and copd seem to go together Good Luck
I am so sorry. I imagine being forced to retire depressed him enormously. I don't blame you at all for feeling angry. Someone you have loved for so many years and to have him take his depression out on you has to be a horrible feeling. I think all you can do is try to remember it is his extreme depression talking, not him really. You are not able to fix that. Breathe deeply and tell him you hate that he feels so awful that he would take it out on you and you would fix it if you could. XO
He is angry himself & unfortunately his world now revolves around you & your home. He probably feels a shell of the man he was & this manifests itself in the only way he knows, anger.
Anxiety is a very big part in COPD, & has a domino affect of multiplying the stress of difficult breathing.
This is a crappy hand of cards for both of you. You need to take care of you first or this will drain you. If your husband is on steroids it may be causing him, to be more agitated, angry than normal. There are many natural remedies that could lessen his symptoms and very important, give him some power over this condition. Being at the mercy of the Drs and this condition, Its basically a death sentance and they just drug you through it. I believe thatAs long as theres life, there is hope. Perhaps your husband needs redirecting, needs to find the joy in this new place. God is still with us, may be he needed to slow us down so we would listen.
Thats what I thought. My husband has one, I see what I can do. Thanks.
hi im 48 and have alpha 1 deficiency ,my lungs are at 22 %,im on oxygen and have been diagnosed about 4 yrs ago after an accident at work and had to take 3 months off ,i almost chopped my finger off because i was getting sob and fatigue by the end of a working day and like your husband i hid it ,while i was off work i caughta bout of pnumonia and had a psudonomas ariginosa lung infection result from sputum test, by this time i was starting to panick as i was asked to have ct scan which resulted in base lung emphysema and bronchiectasis, my wife and i couldnt fathom it out as id always been in construction and had been involed in boxing and fell walking up in cumbria ,a blood test resulted in a diagnosis of alpha 1 deficency zz and that there is no cure and ill get to the point of needing a transplant at some stage, you can imagine how this impacted on us as a family ,i have to sit and watch my poor wife mow the grass and put the bins out,put wheelchair and oxygen in car etc ,shes only 8 stone and it breaks my heart to see her do these things that id do and loads more , she now is my full time carer at 47 ,we never saw this coming and went through angry stage ,upset stage ,but she has been my rock and i love her for being understanding when i get deppessed days and wishing this wasnt happening to us , she tells me weve got each other and for better or worse , nothing will stop your husband from having days when he cant snap out of a mood or fear the worse and feel a burden to you , its a genetic disease that if you smoke or are constantly exposed to irrittants chemicals as i was then its going to make the lung damage worsen ,its like blaming someone who drinks if they get liver cirrosis but everybody or most do drink , back when i was a teenager smoking was fashionable and advertised like it was acceptable ,i do believe that in todays times there is no excuse for smoking knowing the dangers ,please work together and stay strong for him ,if he still smokes then he MUST STOP and if that is the case then i hear you , the dr told my wife to put a peg on her nose and a straw in her mouth and walk up and down the stairs a few times to get a fraction of how it feels to not breathe ,its like a car with no engine ,useless ,we feel this everyday ,i hope you are getting support to as thats important because theirs a role change and a man feels less of a person for not doing whats expected of him as a man ,husband and father,take care
Yes it is hard to live with for both of you. All you can do is love him and just give him hugs, Only he can help him self with this I have also bad COPD and some depressions , my son lies with me and he two does not understand me and he gets mad he is older but he will only be my little boy working on that, life sure can throw you some downs but I try and give them to God in prayer. and trusting is not my strong suit so Pray for me for that.
I do not think I have helped you, but dep down inside of him he needs you allot.
If you think you're lost and helpless, how do you think he feels? I am in somewhat the same shape as your husband and am getting ready to ask my husband for a divorce because I feel like I've saddled him with unhappiness
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