COPD Friends
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Failing miserably

So my mom 93 a COPD sufferer is going into a care home later today it is her wish as she needs more care than I can give her. I feel I have failed her although I gave her all I had in me it just wasn't enough. Her health is failing daily and it is so painful for her to be suffering with retching & coughing constantly, unable to do anything but sit & suffer. It is horrible to watch someone you love in such endless pain wishing herself dead!!! Now diagnosed with emphysema which I suspected a long time ago. I have struggled with a chest infection this weekend and feel awful. I feel I have let mom down badly & should have done more, the guilt is so overwhelming it has bought me to my knees, I don't know if we can ever get our once close relationship back again. I just hope & pray I have found her the care she needs & deserves and that soon her suffering will be over & she will be at peace. Jan.

6 Replies

Hi I am sorry to hear this. I am sure you did all you could but there comes a stage where someone is so ill that there is nothing more you can do.

You are not a failure but a loving caring daughter who did the best you could for a long time. There was nothing more you could have done as your mother is too ill to be kept at home. You are not superwoman so cut yourself some slack.

Being diagnosed with emphysema on top of all this is awful and no wonder you are feeling so wretched and ill. Please don't beat yourself up, your dear mother will be looked after 24/7 where she is now as it was far too much for one person to deal with. One thing I think with her illness she should be in a nursing home and not a care home.

A nursing home is where she will get more specialized medical care, and the NHS (I presume you are in the UK) will pick up the bills so your mother can keep all her savings and pension etc.

I understand the guilt of having to send a parent into care as I went through the same with my mum. She wasn't anywhere as ill as yours but she lived alone, and although me and 2 of my sisters went round daily to cook and clean for her and make sure she was ok for years, which we were happy to do, one night she had a fall and was on the floor all night.

For her safety we had to choice but to get her into a care home, as it was our responsibility to make decisions for her. Her safety and health was paramount. But we all felt impossibly guilty which is hard to live with isn't it?

Unfortunately whatever you do you are damned. You feel guilty if you do and guilty if you don't , it goes with the territory I'm afraid.

Now on to you. Being diagnosed with a lung disease is horrible I know as I was told I had copd years ago and it is a shock coming to terms with it.

There is another great site on here apart from this one called The British Lung Foundation and on there you will find sufferers of every lung disease under the sun. You will get lots of support, advice and help on there too.. The majority have copd or emphysema like you and me.

I hope you are feeling a bit better very soon. Take care.


Thank you Lilaclil for your support


You are very welcome 1954 Jan. Any problems just post away and there will always be someone to reply to you and try and help.


Hi Jan, I'm so very sorry to hear all that you're going through. I just dealt with that a year ago. My dad was 95. It is the hardest thing to get to the place where your loved ones needs to go to a care home. Please let go of the quilt & the feeling of being a failure. Your mom is where there are many hands to tend to her needs. It's time you begin taking care of yourself. Be sure to see a pulmonary doctor & stay on the treatment plan he chooses for you. Drink plenty of water & walk daily. I'll be praying for you, Jan...that God give you peace & help you take one step at a time. Pls keep us updated.


Hi Jan,your no failure at all .Im 63 and just got home after 24 day stay at hospital and rehab.My copd is getting worse and worse.Lost job and put on ssi two years ago,my wife still works part time and worries about me all the time.She tries so hard and i wish i could do more.Im sure your mom really appreciates what you did for her ,just having someone trying means so much.Idont know whats instore for me but if i have to go somewhere else,ill love my wife for what she did for me...


Thank you it's good of you to reply when you are so ill yourself I sympathise because copd is so difficult to cope with your wife loves you and is right there for you long may it continue I wish you all the best & hope things improve for you love Jan


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