Frightened out of my mind about colon cancer

[Stressoholic]

I’m a 40 year old male from the US. I don’t know what I expect to accomplish with this post, to be honest. Maybe it will help me find some kind of comfort, maybe relief, or maybe just a place to vent my fears and frustrations, who knows?

Anyway, here’s my story - back in August of this year, I took a course of antibiotics (amoxicillin) for an infection, which cleared up with no apparent issue. Fast forward two months, and I had to take another course of amoxicillin for ten days.

And it was right around this time when I started noticing some strange stuff. Without getting too graphic, my stools didn’t seem “normal” to me - they seemed a little runnier, thinner, and more frequent, though the color didn’t seem any different than usual. I would feel some abdominal cramping, like the kind you feel when you have diarrhea, but this went away within a few days.

Now, for about the past week, I’ve been experiencing a feeling of not being able to completely evacuate my bowels (I think the medical term is tenesmus, but I could be mistaken)...which is what scares me the most because it’s a feeling I’ve NEVER had before in my life.

On top of that, when I am able to pass stool, it’s small, and the abdominal cramps returned for a couple days, including one night where I was getting up every two hours to go, only to pass small stools each time. Those seem to have again gone away, thankfully, but the tenesmus remains. However, I notice that it only seems to appear/worsen after I have a meal or lay on my side (like lounging on the couch when watching tv or gaming) and feels much better in the morning after a night’s sleep or when I’m standing/walking around.

I usually have a bowel movement in the morning, and it looks somewhat like it used to before I had these issues, but still seems slightly “off” (that probably makes zero sense, so I apologize). Sometimes I’ll have a second, smaller bowel movement at night before bed, and I think I may have seen white spots in some of these stools, but not all (another first for me). I still have my appetite, though I’m not eating as much because the sheer terror of the situation makes me not want to. I don’t have any serious abdominal pain, but have had some cramping. My stomach also has been gurgling quite a bit more than usual, even after eating.

Stupidly, I went to google and input my symptoms. Immediately, I was met with colon cancer in the results as well as forums dedicated to colon cancer stories from survivors as well as those who have died...with many of those stories being from people my age or younger.

Needless to say, I am now to the point where I’m so frightened that I literally cannot function. I have to force myself to concentrate at work (thankfully, my job is remote), but even then, I can only work for about 30-45 minutes before I find myself on my phone for the next 4 hours googling every possible combination of symptoms and phrases I can think of, with each result being more terrifying than the next. I’m on my phone at night for another 4-5 hours after my wife and daughter have gone to bed, and am on my phone again first thing in the morning.

All I can think about now is how I’m about to lose everything - a career I love, a family I adore, and then eventually my health and ultimately my life. When I’m not googling symptoms, I’m instead googling things like “ways to tell your family that you’re dying.” No, I’m not kidding. This is literally what I now spend my days thinking about - How am I going to make a three-year old understand that daddy is not going to be coming home anymore? How do I tell my wife that she’s going to be a single mother? I even have nightmares about them being forced to live in the street trying to keep warm by a dumpster fire because my illness made them lose our home.

And if that’s not enough - I mentally/emotionally harangue myself for even getting into this situation in the first place by checking all the boxes: I’m 40, male, overweight, an ex-smoker (half pack/day for 22 years), heavy social drinker in my youth, love red meat and junk food. “Did I really need that 4th slice of sausage pizza?” “Did I have to have that entire 16 oz steak?” “Why did I have to have three beers with that steak?” “Why couldn’t I just have ordered water with lemon and some baked fish?” “Did I really need to smoke three cigarettes after that meal?” - you get the idea.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. I apologize for the extremely long post, and like I said earlier - I really am not sure what this will accomplish, but at least I was able to get my feelings off my chest, and for that...I thank you.

[fireball7609]

Have you contacted your physician about this or have you had a sigmoidoscopy or colonoscopy? I'm in the same boat right now...slightly different symptoms, but scared and distracted. I have had no pain, but a few instances of blood in my stool, but I'm also a hypochondriac so obviously I am convinced I'm dying. I have a sigmoidoscopy in the morning, so hopefully it will ease my mind a bit, but just know, there are ALOT of ailments that affect your bowels that aren't deadly and the sooner you get to your PCP, the better.

[Stressoholic in reply to fireball7609]

I haven’t had either one yet, but may have no choice but to visit a PCP soon. My health anxiety is so bad that I haven’t visited a doctor in almost 20 years, and the last time I went was when I was 23, and that was because I had to go for a physical before being cleared for a job.

And while yes, there are multiple ailments that have these symptoms, I don’t really fit the mold (for example, IBS was also frequently listed as a possible condition, but that overwhelmingly affects women more than men and tends to run in families. My aunt has IBS but for me to be at risk, it has to be a first degree relative such as a parent or sibling rather than a second degree relative like aunts/uncles/cousins).

Either way, I’m still convinced that I have something very seriously wrong but I’m too frightened to find out. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but I guess if I’m gonna die, I’d rather just not see it coming than wake up every morning and wonder “is today gonna be the day?”

[Tvlr112 in reply to Stressoholic]

Also, there’s 2 types of people with health anxiety- the people who go to the doctor every 2 days and the people who never go because they’re too afraid to confirm their nightmare may be true. I was the latter for sure like you.

[Paulol]

Hi, you need to understand that not everything that affects the bowel is colon cancer, you need to put your mind at rest as your brain is connected with your gut, if you overthink, your symptoms might worsen.First you need to see a Gastroenterologist and all other thing will come in place. Wish you all the best.

[sandylo]

I know exactly where youre coming from i started in february with belching and stool changes no pain i went to my doctor who examined my stomach and sent me for an abdominal ct scan which came back with diverticula pockets she asked if i had passed any blood which i hadnt at the time, then 2 days later there was blood when i wiped, so i had to go back for a rectum finger test, my doctor then did a fast track hospital appt, suspected colorectal cancer i had to go for a colonoscopy within a week , they removed 5 polyps and took 9 biopsies as it was done with just fentanyl sedation it had to be aborted as they struggled to get a sessile polyp which was 25mm in size. I had to go back a month later for another one, but this time i was put to sleep with propofol while they removed it along with another small one. The results came back 4 days ago. Tested under microscope (no cancer) i do have diverticulitis, proctitis and mucosa in the rectum i still have blood when i wipe but thats due to the proctitis. I have got to go back in a years time for a ct colonogram with air to check alls ok then if so 3 year year check after. Looks like the blood, loose bowels will be the norm now. I too was on antibiotics 3 months before all this started for cellulitis in my lower leg. Hope this eases your mind for you, by the way i had breast cancer 10 years ago which was why i worried so much but i just have to live with it now.

[Monika2018]

I can't say if you have a serious problem or not but at this point I ask you not to panic. I went through every single symptom you describe and much much worse in last 6 years and I still have them. Being a cancer patient 10 years ago, I not only lost the trust that I'm ok when e feel perfectly fine (that's how I felt when I got cancer diagnosis first time when I was in the top shape) but having any symptoms or anomalies in tests now throw me over the edge immediately. I learned not to trust my body anymore. But it doesn't always work like this. In my case now I have all the symptoms under the sun pointing to another sinister diagnosis and so many years later, nothing was found or explains why I have what I have symptoms wise. So please calm down if you can and ask for tests after tests to see what causes your problems. Keep us posted. So many people here can support you. Please keep us posted 🙂 .

[Tvlr112]

Honestly, it’s the pandemic. I went through a similar time of endless Google searches and finding the most terrible stories. I think it’s more about finally fully confronting your own mortality (just as a good friend told me).

I used Dr. Google for hours on end with it never leading to anything positive. Don’t Google.

I genuinely thought I was coming closer to death. I seriously didn’t think I’d make it to November of this year and I’m 35 years old.

Don’t Google. Stop reading the stories. I went there for sure. Trying to make logic out of health will lead you down an endless path of doubt. If you look deep enough, you’ll find just as many people lived extremely healthy lifestyles- never touched alcohol/cigarettes, exercised, etc and got a condition FAR worse out of nowhere.

If you want to talk, feel free to message. My situation was a bit wild and I did the whole “constantly checking my poop/panic attack over every slight pain” thing for months. Lost sleep. Thought about how my wife and family would handle me passing away. Everything man. Been there earlier this year for about 5 months. I still get panic attacks some times but for the most part I’m better.

[CRCAdvocate]

Sorry that you are going through this. I would contact your doctor and let them know about your symptoms, concerns and stress level. Having answers to your concerns will hopefully alleviate some of the anxiety you are experiencing. I know it is scary, but you know your body best and if something doesn't feel right to you, than it is important to get it checked out. Please keep us posted. Best wishes from all of us at Global Colon Cancer Association.