Visible Difference

[JJ148]

I was born with a couple fingers missing from one hand and the others are shortened. Nevertheless I am not restricted in any activity as the thumb and remaining fingers work. Therefore I suffer only from the effects of visible difference, not from any disability.

My visible difference has severely impacted my self esteem and confidence, just as others have said. It was great to read and relate to some of the experiences of others on this forum, I knew for many years that this was an overlooked area in psychology and medicine, but despite trying to find research or groups over the course of many years I was unable to find anything, until now. I see this group is only a few years old, so I guess that's why I couldn't find any info years ago.

I will not attempt to go through all the impacts here, more just mention a few common experiences: feeling like there is an elephant in the room no one is talking about; being unable to make eye contact; hiding the difference in a pocket; feeling like a bad person; being underestimated;feeling the effects of lack of confidence in-not doing well in job interviews and not being promoted in any job; not knowing how or whether to bring this issue up and then even if I do not feeling good about having done so, so what was the point?; difficulty with emotions because you don't want to stand out (and your feelings related to your visible difference are very difficult, not ones people feel comfortable with 🤬); feeling uncomfortable in relationships; feeling like someone is always watching you in public but not wanting to catch people watching; adopting a kind of defensive boy posture/aura which repels people.

Anyway, this is really only the tip of the iceberg, there are many themes that could be explored in a lot more detail. I have benefited from reading people's stories here, and feel like group meetings with others with visible difference could be useful, but unfortunately I am not in the UK. If anyone knows of anything similar in the USA I would appreciate if you would let me know. 🙂

[worthytobeloved]

Wow, so well put! I identified with everything you said, as I'm sure others will.

You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the psychological part in all of this. If only we could accept ourselves as we are physically, and not give power to the rest of the world in assuming they regard us badly. After all, we are lovely , good and kind people inside.

How is it that some people with obvious disabilities (like my paralympic relation who has only one arm) can really make the most of their lives despite their disability? As you said, it's how we perceive ourselves and how we react to those perceptions.

I've heard of doing positive affirmations, something called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) - maybe they are worth a try? If anyone has any ideas of how we can change our mindset to be more positive, they would be greatfulky received!

Thank you for your post, and I look forward to hearing from you again. Maybe between us, we can find ways to feel better about ourselves. Best wishes! xxx

[JJ148 in reply to worthytobeloved]

Hi wtbl, thanks very much for your reply. much appreciated!

[EvaChangingFaces Partner]

Hello JJ148 and Welcome to the Changing Faces Community! Thank you for posting your thoughts on here. It sounds like things have been difficult for you over the years and I am sorry to hear that it has affected your confidence and self-esteem. Your description of what it might look and feel like navigating life with a visible difference is spot on and as another member mentioned below very relatable to other people's experience and it highlights the complications and the extent of how one's life might be affected.

I'm so glad you found this community here and it’s really positive to hear that you benefited from reading other people's stories in the forum. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been able to access group meetings with others with visible difference where you are based but hopefully you'll find more people to connect with and get some additional support here within this community or even someone who might know of organisations that offer support within the USA as we do have members here that live outside of the UK.

I hope you find this a helpful and safe place to hear from others and continue to share your thoughts and feelings. I'm also including a link to the self-help resources page on the Changing Faces website, just in case you think it might be helpful: changingfaces.org.uk/advice...

Take care,

Eva - ChangingFaces

[JJ148 in reply to EvaChangingFaces]

Hi Eva, thanks very much for your reply. Yes I am hoping to maybe get some info on similar groups to Changing Faces in the US. I may also travel to the UK in the future, so if I do that might be an opportunity