Invisible visible difference?

[DolaChangingFacesUK]

At Changing Faces we support anyone who has a mark, scar or condition that affects their appearance. This may be on any part of the body or face and could be newly-acquired or from childhood or birth. Some people with a condition that’s not immediately visible to others (e.g. birthmark on thighs or scarring on the back) can feel just as distressed as others with more visible differences. Do you think it matters how conspicuous your visible difference is? Should it matter?

Do share your thoughts.

Dola@ChangingFacesUK

[Amy388]

I think regardless of the location of our differences they can still be the cause of the same feelings. I was born with an extremely large vascular malformation on the right hand side of my body, and although I can hide it with clothes I know it has impacted on me greatly. I am much more confident with it now but growing up I felt different and insecure, I worried about finding a partner who would find me attractive and worried that people would feel differently about me once they knew what was underneath my clothes. Luckily I have been surrounded by wonderful people who have made me realise we are all unique and fully accept every inch of my body. I have to admit that at some points I was thankful that my difference was somewhere that I could hide, but in the long term that meant I didn’t have to deal with the effects it had on my mental health until I was much older.

[MiaBrown]

I appreciate and value the previous comment but to me an invisible difference is quite different. An example is a friend who stutters terribly but you'd never know it just by looking at him. The name of this group implies that something is visibly different from the neck up. As a doctor told me, "unlike other types, head and neck patients *wear* their cancer." A good friend couldn't understand why I sometimes get so irritated when strangers ask, "What happened to your face?" until I explained that it's unfair. There are plenty of people who can hide their difference and/or illness in peace and privacy. Why don't I deserve the same respect just because mine can be seen? She then told me about a bladder issue which no one outside of her husband and doctor were aware of. She wouldn't random people asking about it or offering unsolicited advice, like what happens to me almost daily. She finally understood my feelings. Invisibility allows them to blend in. I stand out.

[younique in reply to MiaBrown]

I agree with this Mia. While I understand that the most difficult part of living with a difference is how it impacts our self esteem, I think those of us whose differences are very apparent fight a more complex battle. For me, because my difference is with my head, I often feel "naked" in public, like I don't have the luxury of appearing distinguished or having dignity (this is my inaccurate belief, it can change because I know it's not a hard truth).. similar I think to how you've mentioned that we have to wear it, meaning to me that people see it as a ridiculous hat or revealing clothing that we can't take off. People stare and gawk and we don't have the option to be discreet - we can't escape it or put it on pause. Truth be told everyone has an insecurity over something they think might not be normal or acceptable, but if it isn't apparent, no one ever needs to know. I've been trying to hide my difference all of my life, and every time I fail, which has left me feeling empty and depressed. I'm slowly beginning to be more present in my body and accepting that this is me, my fate, my struggle, my story.. I will never be able to even pretend that I'm normal or perfect like so many people are able to do. And I'm genuinely starting to see the value in that. 🤗

[Mtmo3]

I've recently written a blog post on invisible differences and their differences to visible differences. In my opinion, there is no difference.

My son has burn scars from a 45% burn injury. In a tshirt and trousers you wouldn't know unless you looked VERY close to the neck of his tshirt. But, it's been widely gossiped about at both his primary and secondary school. He gets teased, bullied and ridiculed. He had the nickname of Freddie in primary school, because of the association of Freddie Kruger having burns.

His first month at secondary school gave him extreme anxiety. He was essentially a sitting duck. He knew people would find out. He knew that he was going to have to answer some pretty hard questions. He even said 'if my face was burned then everyone would know right away and it would be easier to deal with'.

I've had someone with a visible burn scar on their face tell us that he's lucky his face is 'tarnish free' (her words not mine). My son doesn't consider himself lucky. He cried for hours after that comment because he felt like his feelings of dispair, fear and loneliness were invalid.

I think regardless of location and difference, to that specific individual it doesn't matter if its hidden or visible as it's still something that is there. It's still a worry and something that will at some point have to be addressed.

[Tortoise96]

I personally respect that people with invisible difference will feel the same way about their difference in a self conscious kind of way. However I don’t think anything can compare to having this difference on show 24/7 to the whole world, whether you like it or not.

If you’re having a bad day, there’s no option to cover up, to hide. Well, there is... and that means not leaving the house. If a difference is on your arm for example and your having a bad day, you can put a long sleeved T-shirt on and no one has to know or look that day. However with a difference on the face especially, there is no option to hide it if you need to go outside.

I think both are difference. A visible different (face/neck), you can’t hide it, everyone knows you have it... it’s always there and it’s the taboo subject no one wants to bring up.

With an invisible difference, you can choose and decide who sees this, who you show this to... only when you’re ready. The pressure of people around you not knowing about it but knowing they will in the future may be another type of anxiety. Worrying about what their reaction will be etc. But I assume when you feel comfortable enough with someone, then you would show it, and then you could explain. There’s no “choosing” when to show a visible difference, there’s no right time to explain or for that person to ask about it. I think that is the difference.