When people say stuff like "don't care what other people think" it annoys me because

[Starbabyy]

1. I know they mean well...but that focuses on blaming me rather than the people who choose to humiliate and at times even hurt people like me. Instead of invalidating my pain, shouldn't the emphasis be on the fact that people shouldn't think it's ok to demean visually different people?

2. My fear of other people's reactions is mainly stemming from "what are they going to do to me? Will I be safe? If someone does something to hurt me will I be able to leave, etc." Because in the past when people hurt me (physically and otherwise) I was unable to safely leave the situation. It's not low self esteem or whatever I literally have PTSD and people's cruelty about my appearance doesn't help. I hate when people say I have low self esteem too because they haven't been on my journey, give me some credit. If I can say something bad happened to me isn't my fault then that's obviously progress, and no cliche can take away.

3. Also, why are marginalized people like me always the ones being told we have low self esteems just for wanting to be safe, why not call the people who do stuff like this low self esteem? To humiliate someone with a visual difference, they must have really low self esteems. But that's never bought up.. people have bullied me since grade school and as I get older and more visual differences it gets worse. I don't blame myself anymore I blame other people.

Almost all my life I've heard people tell me something like "you have low self esteem" when I tried to tell them something was wrong. When I went through antiblackness at school instead of recognizing that those kids were racist, people called me insecure so they had an excuse not to do anything about it.

The first time I was physically assualted by a group of bullies at school because my hair was "too short and nappy," the principal of the school said I was the problem for being too depressing. It's not depressing that a group of kids sprayed Lysol on my hair though?? I was the depressing one for talking about it??

When I went through homophobia at school I was seen as annoying for just being different, no one got annoyed with the homophobes tho 🙃

There's a pattern here...

4. People who say stuff like "the problem is you have low self esteem" or "you need to be more confident" mean well, but honestly it just deflects from the problem. Because instead of supporting me, people end up blaming me for my own oppression. I think deep down a few of them feign meaning well and just want me to shut up so they don't have to do anything about it, which is very wrong.

5. Before people do cruel things, they have to THINK it's ok to do it first. Instead of telling me not to care about it, why can't people realize the way get treated at times is dehumanizing.

Why not point out that it isn't ok to even think about harming someone for being different, instead of seeing me as the problem for pointing it out???

I wish society emphasized less cruelty to visually different people, instead of using tired and invalidating cliches to tell us how to deal with it better. We shouldn't have to deal in the first place!!!!

[Hidden]

Hi Starbabyy,

Good to hear from you.

I get where you're coming from. The line "don't care what other people think" is so glib as to be almost a throw away comment. No wonder you're annoyed by it!

I don't tend to get that comment (I get different remarks) but I think if I heard enough then it would drive me crackers. The remarks I do get can drive me daft.

Respectfully, I don't think these commentators are blaming you, but they definitely don't know what to say. Saying nothing would be best by the sound of it.

May I ask are these friends or family saying this? or colleagues? I'm not going to advise you what to do here, its not my place. But we can listen and suggest things if it helps.

THe same is true for the low esteem comments. Those really are "no kidding, Sherlock!" moments. How to reply to those I think depends very much on who is making them. I may say one thing to family or friend, but something very different to a random fool on the street.

Please put my mind at rest on one thing though. you mentioned you worry for your safety when out. I had one idiot threaten to rough me up for having lumps. But, I'm 24 stone of rugby player shaped bloke that can give as good as he gets if the needs be (but lets not go there!). You'd think that would make it easier, but it actually doesn't. I don't particularly want to end up in a fight just goign to work ...

Do you feel safe enough? what steps can you do to improve this?

This is not saying that it should be necessary. You should be able to go about your life without worrying about idiots. But the odd loose cannon out there is a fact of life.

When I had my own idiot run in, for me, it was about me controlling the situation and not allowing the idiot to do so. THat took practice sadly. I made sure I kept with others in sight, that I could get help if needed and that I could get away from there if I had to.

I was also very careful about what I said. I tried not to inflame the situation worse than it already was (not sure I got that right and there are things for me to learn there!), but I also made sure that I didn't let the ratbag get away with it.

I will pass no comment on bullies. Or people being cruel. I don't think the community guidelines allow me to swear repeatedly!!!

[beep!]. There you go, self moderated.

Keep posting as you need to. Will always be to good to hear how you're doing.

Stay safe.

[Starbabyy in reply to Hidden]

I appreciate this but some people really do try to blame me. Despite my hair loss being from an autoimmune condition I've had people tell me it's my fault because I'm not beautiful on the inside and out, and that I don't know how to eat healthy or have good hygiene. I've dealt with similar situations with my other disabilities. People who do stuff like this, it's a combination of friends, family, and strangers. Mostly strangers though. But for feeling safe something I can do is try self defense classes maybe...

I appreciate and agree with most of your comment, and I just want to make it clear what I've been through is real. Some people are really just that hurtful...I'm sure you can relate though it sound like we've had some similar experiences

[Hidden in reply to Starbabyy]

Hi Starbabyy,

There is no question it's real. People unfortunately are just idiots.

There was a good example the other week where Will Smith whacked that "comedian" (and I use the word comedian very loosely!) at the Oscars. The world reacted by criticizing Will Smith for violence. People had to be seen "not to condone violence"....

Well, I don't condone violence either, but nor do I condone making comedy out of a being hurtful about medical condition, which should have been off limits pure and simple. The world condoned that joke in effect by its blanket politically correct response to the slap.

People I know tried to justify it as "free speech" and "just comedy", but it will not be comedy to the person who is the butt of the joke, When we have comedians doing this, no wonder the world thinks its ok. The comedian was wrong, and the world is.

Another way of looking at Will Smith's action was legitimate self defence. Abuse by words or abuse by slap is the same thing. It is still abuse. When I looked at it, I have to say Will Smith gave as good or better than was served up to his wife.

There is this stupid phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words ...". Never hurt? Really? Um, yes they do. Just ask Will Smith!

You are right. Why should we have to change the put up with people like this? Well, we don't. We shouldn't have to try to correct things we think are wrong,

But if we don't, who will?

Seriously, at times I think people actively enjoy being ignorant in the extreme. Its just so wrong ....

[rapture4u]

Hello Starbabyy,

I associate and understand where you are coming from. I suffer from CPTSD and have a visible difference, and what you describe has been discussed on mental health blogs with psychologists, and they call it Toxic Positivity.

Next time you go on the internet, just punch up those words and the experts describe it in detail and ways to cope.

All the best.

[Starbabyy in reply to rapture4u]

I appreciate this; I know about toxic positivity, but it's always helpful to find new coping mechanisms. Sometimes I just wish everything wasn't on us, you know? Like do we really need to deal with it better or can we try to change society so we don't have to deal with this in the first place? Or a combination of both

[rapture4u]

Strangely enough it is usually people with strong narcissist traits who use toxic positivity, with words such as 'never mind' or 'it could be worse'. You can get this from family or friends and it is very unfortunate that people who we think care for us have to use such patronising words.