Invalidation, can anyone relate

[Starbabyy]

When I tell people I'm conventionally unattractive and have been physically assaulted for it and didn't deserve it. Often they say "I used to care what people think too." Or "omg just love yourself". It's too invalidating and pathetic because they only say this BS to silence me about my struggle. It's giving toxic positivity.

Or the "omg stop calling yourself ugly" comments. How you mad at me for how the world treats me? These people ignore the fact that I was assaulted and my safety was threatened multiple times just to invalidate and trivialize my struggle that THEY DON'T GO THROUGH. It's always the ones that don't go through it talking the most 🙄

And I hate how they try to use the whole "just love yourself" argument to shut me up because the fact that I can say I deserve not to be treated like this shows that I don't "hate myself" like people stay accusing me of. I hate the way I'm treated. But also why do I have to perform self love constantly? No one's happy all the time and everyone has bad days but they don't let me have mine the way they do EVERYONE ELSE. Conventionally attractive people who get called pretty all day can say "omg I'm so ugly" and get hella compliments no one invalidating them. But I could say the same thing and I get hella angry comments telling me to "stop saying that" and "stop caring what people think" but they don't tell that to the conventionally attractive people tho!!!

And they claim they "mean well" but if they really meant well they'd treat me the way they treat the conventionally attractive people and they would care about the fact I've been harassed but they DON'T.

They show fake concern to get me to stop talking about the discrimination that they ignore ANYWAY.

People get mad at me for reacting to mistreatment but not the mistreatment itself and it's BS. I can't be the only one I swear this is maddening.

[EvaChangingFaces Partner]

Hi Starbabyy and Welcome to the Changing Faces community. Thank you for your post and for sharing your experiences here. It sounds like you've been through a lot and hopefully, as the community grows, you'll find people to connect with and to share your thoughts in a safe space.

I'm very sorry to hear how difficult things have been for you - it sounds like your feelings about your appearance are making you feel distressed and that your experience with people has been disappointing. Lack of validation of our feelings can be very frustrating. You talked about your experience of people responding to you in an unkind and insensitive way when you express your feelings and concerns and you mentioned that you have been assaulted and your safety was threatened which sounds horrible and scary.

You referred to yourself as conventionally unattractive and it seems that this is something you think a lot about and sounds like it is making things difficult for you. For some people, the worry about their appearance can be very consuming and upsetting. This may mean that you need more specialist psychological support that deals with this and could support you with the difficult feelings this is creating. If you feel this is the case, we would suggest, in the first instance, you start by speaking to your GP or a health professional about this, to refer you to further help. You may also find it helpful to contact OCD Action (ocdaction.org.uk/) or the BDD Foundation (bddfoundation.org/) for further information.

Take care,

Eva - Changing Faces

[Gorgonite]

I hear you. I've been through all this too. It makes you feel so alone and angry inside that no one gets it. So frustrating.After years of trying to be hurd I was diagnosed with body dismorphia, which I understand why but still wasn't hurd and don't believe it.

Unfortunately I don't think that anyone that doesn't totally understand will really get it.

I wish there was something I could say that would actually help.

There is some genuinely lovely people here though so hopefully you will find some comfort.

[Blinkyw]

I understand this, I have a skin condition causing very dark pigmentation to extensively cover my relatively fair skin on my face, I wear camouflage make up, because if I don't I get treated worse, stares, maybe even comments, including family and friends, and of course the usual... 'love yourself' from well meaning friends. We do live in a world where people judge by appearance and people who don't have a visible difference / skin condition can be pretty unsympathetic. I don't know what gender you are, but for me, one of the things I can do is accentuate my other features, such as my nice hair / eyes .. and dress sense counts for a lot :)Therapy has helped me get by much better, but I am in total agreement that those 'don't worry what people think' comments are not helpful. I hope you find the right support for you.

[Roxybon]

Yep I agree. I find it awful when people say "oh it's nothing" or "you look fine". I don't think I do, and it's like they don't realise the trauma of getting the injury I went through, or the on going emphasis on natural beauty. It was an operation to remove a BcC. But done without discussion AND unnecessarily extensively. So as far as I'm concerned it was assault by the consultant. So I do get you predicament. So unfair and so life changing.

[EvaChangingFaces Partner in reply to Roxybon]

Hi Roxybon ,

Thank you for your post and for sharing your experiences here. It sounds like you've been through a lot with your injury and the treatment you received not meeting your expectations or hopes. It's difficult not receiving validation for your experience and your feelings and I can appreciate how what other people say doesn't match your experience of what you went through. Hopefully, as the community grows, you'll find this a safe space to connect with people and to share your thoughts with.

Take care,

Eva - ChangingFaces

[Shysteve]

I can relate 100%