Aggression in Caring

Today I’ve chosen a bit of a tricky topic to post about. It’s the slightly tricky one of aggression in caring.

Unfortunately it can become an issue, especially in dementia, but also with anyone who is being cared for, or even doing the caring. And when carers get stressed and angry, it can be quite hard to acknowledge and talk about.

The reason I’m thinking about it is because a few weeks ago I was out shopping and saw an example, when I’d stopped off at a cafe for a coffee break.

Two ladies came in after I was seated, and the younger addressed the older as ‘mum’, but was also loudly berating her because she became bewildered at the lack of obvious seating for them, and as a result was poked in the back, quite hard, by the younger woman, to usher her along.

They did find seats not that far from me, and the younger again shouted to the older, as she went to purchase, to ‘stay there and not move’. It was too much for me, but I was in a quandary as to what to do. I really feared the consequences of interfering, but my conscience was prodding me to do something.

In the end, when the younger returned to the table, I went across and said I’d noticed she seemed stressed and i wondered if it might help if her mum sat with me for a bit, whilst she had five minutes of peace to drink her coffee. She replied grumpily that her mum ‘had dementia and would probably be alarmed to be separated from her’, but I did get a grudging ‘thanks’ and it brought her attention to the fact that others were noticing the situation, and she did then calm down.

I was mightily relieved not to get a ‘mind your own business’ but it wasn’t meant as a judgment on the younger woman. I really felt for them both. I’ve been in those situations where you’ve had more than enough, and even when you’ve read all the advice on the subject and tried to take it, things still arise that sorely try your patience and threaten to push you over the edge.

There’s plenty of online advice on dealing with others’ aggression. It mostly centres around making sure there are no underlying issues that are causing frustration or pain, and the Alzheimers Society have a great article about it at:

alzheimers.org.uk/about-dem...

But what about our own aggression when we are getting stressed.? There seems less advice out there for that, but for carers too, the causes of aggression are similar to that of those who are being cared for.

We need our own needs to be met too, and they so often aren’t. We get overtired, over-stressed, are often in pain ourselves, and very often don’t get the support we desperately need, from official sources, or even from other members of our own family and it can make us boil over. Yes, we can articulate what’s wrong, unlike those we care for, but sometimes, who actually listens?

I think you have to take time out to consider whether you can somehow simplify your own life and make it better in any way you can. It’s so easy to go into a downward spiral and feel that nothing can be done. It’s not selfish to consider yourself first, because you are that one reliable lifeline for the person you care for. The whole support system goes down if you do.

When I was an active carer I often had to walk away for a few minutes. Just quietly retreat and take lots of deep breaths until I felt I could cope again. Hard to do in the scenario I’ve just described, but if you can recognise that level of stress arising, it might have been better not to have even made the coffee stop. I do also think that our forum is a fantastic place where you can let off steam and everyone will understand.

I wonder what works for you, if you are getting a bit het-up, and whether you’d have intervened in the cafe, or was I just being a busybody and intervening in something that was none of my business?

Well that's my musing for Friday. Another storm's approaching, so my sun dance did no good whatever! Please all have as good a weekend as you can, dodging storms and all the things that life seems to constantly be throwing at us.

Take care everyone.

[Lynd]

Hi Callendersgal

I think so much is expected from carers.

Not only are we on call 24/7 but we are also expected to be a mixture of Florence Nightingale and a Saint.

We are supposed to be ecstatic if we are allowed a couple of hours a week off.

I got offered nothing.

Many people also have to cope with lack of finances too. One friend I have who is also a carer said to me she feels like a drudge.

Because we love the person we are caring for we are not supposed to have needs of our own.

Luckily we can go out together and I have managed to pull a reasonable sort of life together but there are many who can not do that.

In earlier days I occasionally resorted to shouting at my husband because he pushed my patience so much. He accused me of lying about his dead family etc while expecting me to answer the same question endlessly.

Thankfully life has improved now but as for practical support.... forget it.

All I can say to any carer who knows they are being seriously abusive because you can't cope anymore tell social services you can not carry on in the role of carer.

You must protect yourself and your loved one.

[sassy59 in reply to Lynd]

Hi Lynd, I’m pleased things are improving somewhat but you’ve been through a lot. Have a good weekend. Xxxx

[bailey29 in reply to Lynd]

I feel your pain.xx

[sassy59]

It must be incredibly hard for those who care for dementia loved ones as they can and do try the patience of a saint. I know Pete used to get very frustrated with his late mother but she didn’t live with us.

I remember speaking to a lady in a supermarket once and she had her husband with her. He had dementia and could be violent towards her. She had no help or respite whatsoever.

I don’t know if I’d have spoken up in the cafe as people can be so aggressive these days. You most certainly were not being a busybody though Callendersgal and did what you felt was the right thing to do at the time. It probably made the lady’s daughter stop and think for a moment but I do feel her too.

I’m fortunate that Pete isn’t doing too badly and we have family close by so things are ok at the moment.

Your post certainly gave me food for thought.

Have a lovely weekend. Xx

[Hidden in reply to sassy59]

Thanks sassy59. My heart was in my mouth I must admit! I really feel for my sister. Her husband has been her world for more than 60 years and she is such a loving lady with all the patience in the world but even she finds herself getting tense when my brother in law keeps asking the same questions over and over again.

I’m so glad you and Pete are doing fine and I wish you both a lovely weekend.

[sassy59 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Callendersgal, I feel for your dear sister too. I think the repetition is hard to bear.

Enjoy your weekend. Xxxx

[bailey29 in reply to sassy59]

Great 2 c u share.xx

[Lynd]

Callendersgal

I think you handled the situation very well and I like to think I would do the same.

I did once entertain a baby in a pushchair while I could see Mum was losing the plot.

Baby screaming and other kids playing up.

Baby was so shocked at this strange person talking to him he shut up immediately. Little devil was just being naughty 😁

I think there is no harm approaching someone in this situation. If they tell you to go away just think to yourself at least I tried.

[Hidden in reply to Lynd]

Thanks Lynd, I’m glad you thought so. It can be quite tricky to know when to say something or not! I know babies can be equally tricky. I expect your experienced handling made the baby realise that resistance was futile! 😄

[starveycat]

Thanks for that post sometimes I feel so resentful towards my husband , but really it's not him but his ¥≤≥≠¢√¶∆× condition.. now I know it's normal and not just me being a meanie

[Hidden in reply to starveycat]

Hi starveycat,

It's kind of embarrassing to admit to, isn't it? But it's absolutely human and such a common feeling, and I think that the more we can talk about it and discuss it, the easier it is to cope with. Thanks so much for admitting to your feelings, and please be rest assured, it's 100% normal. And of course it's the disease and not the person which causes the conflict. It's such a lot to cope with, caring for another human being who is almost completely dependent on you. Take care and thanks for posting.

[bailey29 in reply to Hidden]

Keep up good work,we will be all rewarded in heaven.xxx

[Lynd in reply to starveycat]

We all do our best starveycat. It's natural to feel resentful sometimes.

Take care x

[secrets22]

Very difficult indeed.

I must admit I often would walk into another room and end up in tears,but I never showed any aggression to David,but I know many do,and it is extremely frustrating and tests your patience big time.

And luckily David never showed an anger either ,he was a very gentle man,and even in the worst of times he never complained.

I am finding writing this very hard as it brings all the memories back,but it will get better.

[Hidden in reply to secrets22]

Of course you deeply feel the loss of your dear husband and always will, and it's still so very raw. You were blessed to have such a gentle and uncomplaining husband.

If you can, take a little comfort in having been such a wonderful carer as well as wife. I hope that will console you in times to come, and although it's really hard to believe right now, the pain will ease a little over time. Thanks for taking the time to contribute to this debate, when you are still suffering such a recent loss. With all love.

[Lynd]

Hope your memories turn to happier days secrets. X

[secrets22]

Thankyou so much for your kind thoughts x