After the Caring's done: Most carers, if they... - Care Community

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After the Caring's done

14 Replies

Most carers, if they think about their future life, are looking forward to a day at some point when there is time to think about themselves again.

But of course this often comes at a huge cost, with the loss of a loved one and that loss can eclipse the pleasure you might otherwise have felt at finding yourself with more time on your hands.

This week we heard of two sad family deaths from members of our group and it recalled for me the time when my mum died and life suddenly changed for us all.

It particularly affected one of my sisters who had been my mum's main carer, having lived locally to her, and although we all missed mum terribly when she died, we mostly relished our new freedoms, except for this one sister who became stuck in the moment. She talked incessantly about mum and all the problems she'd faced with her over the last few years and really found it hard to let go. It took many months before she had other topics of conversation and even more for her to find new interests. It was hard to know what to say to help her, as she didn't even realise it was happening to her.

One of the common early feelings is relief that your loved one won't suffer any more, followed by a sense of relief that it's over for you, and a warm sense of having done all that you could do, but.... what now?

I scoured the internet looking for sources of help and found a great article written by the Marie Curie organisation which I'll share with you via a link below. You may not even want to contemplate what might come to pass in the future, but it might be worth taking a look, or keeping the link in case you feel it might be useful for you in the future when your feelings may, for a time, be very mixed. Hope you find it helpful!

Picture: Mabel Amber, Pixabay

14 Replies
FredaE profile image

the best thing is ti try to keep hold of something while you are caring.

then you have something to hold on to

in my case it was 2 hours respite at my allotment

typing is hard so no more now

Hellebelle profile image
Hellebelle in reply to FredaE

Great advice as ever FredaE! Lovely to hear from you. I hope you are recovering well. Lots of love to you💕

in reply to FredaE

I think that's really sage advice FredaE! (I can understand it must be difficult to type under current circumstances so thanks so much for managing to continue to join in, and I hope that you are still making progress in your recovery!)

sassy59 profile image
sassy59 in reply to FredaE

Good idea Freda. Thank you for those wise words. Xxx❤️

Hellebelle profile image

Hi Callendersgal,Thank you for your very thoughtful post. I am sure the information from the link will be very helpful to people.

When a loved one dies, it is a time of such mixed emotions and I think the articles is very useful in helping people to be patient and kind to themselves.

I hope you a have a good day.💕

sassy59 profile image

Thank you once again Callendersgal for a very thought provoking post. It can be so difficult to be a carer yet harder still to lose that person.

My mum lived with us for 5 years and was pretty independent but when she had a heart attack I became her carer. She died some 16 months later after a stroke yet I was planning for her to come back home with a care plan in place. I missed her terribly for a very long time and the children missed her presence too. This was back in 1991.

I now find myself caring for Pete and yes, imagining life without him sometimes. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do but I’ll do my best to cope.

Thank you for the link and I’m thinking of carers everywhere. Xxx💜🤗

Hi sassy59, yes it's true we often end up being a carer to more than one person. Sometimes I wonder who will inherit the job of looking after me! Of course it's almost impossible for you to have to think of life without Pete and may that be a really long time in happening, but of course it's wise to think of it once in a while. And of course we've no guarantees about how anything will actually turn out. Life's complicated, isn't it? But joining with you in thinking of all carers, who so deserve our thoughts, prayers and support! 🙏🌈💖

sassy59 profile image
sassy59 in reply to


BTCCET profile image

I've recently been thrown into caring for one of my daughters Sue, it's hit me like a ton of bricks, the thought is always there, it should be the other way around, how am I going to cope with it and mostly why her!?

in reply to BTCCET

I’m so sorry to hear BTCCET. It’s one of the toughest roles there is especially because not only do you have to make time to do it in an already busy life, but emotions can feel so raw. I do empathise with your feelings and most carers have this sort of contemplation a lot of the time. There’s no comforting answer, and all you can do is to take a day at a time. There’s not much of a reward either with never a happy outcome, but what you will find as time passes is that you do get a strong sense of having stepped up to the plate when it was needed and provided love and comfort for someone you love dearly.

The important thing to remember is that, as a carer you are a vital resource, so remember to take care of you too and don’t allow yourself to become so troubled by it all that you become burned out. Thinking of you. It’s not easy at all.🙏

sassy59 profile image
sassy59 in reply to BTCCET

Thinking of you BTCCET as you seem to have a hard road ahead of you. Take care xxx

thara9643 profile image

To add to this discussion, I know it is important to have a outside life. My advice is to find a hobby etc that you can do in your spare time. I love writing and am a big fan of horoscopes too. Here is a parsed down list of good options for hobbiesSinging





Story telling

Pilates and fitness

Growing things

Toy making

in reply to thara9643

Great suggestions thara9643. What's hard for carers is finding a few minutes to break free and do any of these things, but I always say that it's a great idea to try and find a way to recharge your own batteries. Sometimes though, finding that way can be quite challenging as not everyone has family or friends or funds to engage help. But yes, a carer is of no help if he or she becomes exhausted and burned-out.

thara9643 profile image
thara9643 in reply to

I know.

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