Caring for my mother

Hi i would like some advice...My dad passed away in october last year i was his carer..now i am my mothers carer my life has turned upside down im with my mother 24/7 i have my home with my partner and daughter i only go home when my daughter can come and stay with my mother.. i would never put her in a home i promised my dad id look after her which i am..I get carers allowance which is not much i was wondering is there anything else i would beable to claim to help me. .I cant go and get a part time job because she needs 24 hours care any help please thanks ...

26 Replies

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  • Paula -- I'm sure you will hear shortly from other members of this site who live in U.K. I assume you live there because in the U.S. we -- unfortunately -- do not have a system entitling the carer to a carer's allowance. Those who who live in U.K. have given specific information on whom to contact there for information on getting assistance.

  • Hi yes i live in wales uk thank you for getting in touch xxx

  • Hi Paula what part of Wales are you, I live in South Wales. I see you are getting careers allowance, I don't think there's any other benefit, but go into the government benefit website and they will give all the details. Good luck,

  • Thank you ill do that...i live in port talbot south wales...

  • Oh that's not far from me, I live near Bridgend!!

    If you google 'NHS benefits for carers 'there's lots of info on there about what you can claim, I looked after my Mum who had dementia for many years so understand what you are going through, take care

  • Thank you i will have a look...

  • Hi Paula, I am in the same situation as yourself apart from the fact that myself and my husband and daughter actually live with my mum in our family home. You can get a carer in to help you out as I do but I've done it privately as once you get into the system with agencies they will all come at different times which can be infuriating if you need to leave the house. We are self funding which is also why it's an issue for us as we don't qualify for any help through Social Services. However, once you get that body of people involved it will leave you and your mothers circumstance wide open so be prepared for that. My mum has Alzhiemers and I have done 2 courses through the Alzhiemers Society which are called "Crisp course" and also there is a group especially for carers who meet once a month in our town of Coventry. Look for any groups in your area as these help you to not feel isolated as being with your mum 24/7 like me is very soul destroying for you and can start to effect your closest relationships. Take advantage of any help offered and look up Age Concern as they are also very helpful. X

  • Thank you so much...It is very hard i some times feel like im in prison but my daughters and partner are great support i will look into things thank you xx

  • Yes my Mum lived with us too for many years and I would t have missed it for anything, we didn't have carers in as we coped well without them, my Mum used to go for respite for us to go on holidays Twice a year, we all got on fine which was the important thing, you could ask your Dr about respite care for you to have a break, and day care is another option

  • Thank you i will.. but my mother dont want anyone only me or my daughters i find it really hard sometimes as im not well myself i have things wrong with me..she has the on set of dementia and lung disease she full of arthritis right through her so shes in pain 24/7 i feel so sorry for her ... i will find things out but i know she wont agree to it she wont leave the house but its worth a try x

  • Yes my Mum was the same , she didn't want to go out, luckily we had a lovely Dr at that time and he came to the house and. persuaded her to go, and you wouldn't believe how much she enjoyed meeting other people the same age and having a chat she used to look forward to going afterward and. picking what she was going to wear to go, could you have a chat with your Dr about this, he/she will know that you are not well and that if you got really ill you wouldn't be able to look after your Mum and then what will happen? Persevere, good luck

    If you'd like to chat PM me anytime, take care

  • Thank you so much x

  • Anything I can do to help don't hesitate to ask. My husband and daughter are also extremely supportive but ultimately its me whose here all the time. Mum is just about to come bk from day care which is another option for you. It's not cheap but it's good for her and a break for you x

  • Thank you at the moment im going through so much i cant even grieve for my dad who i miss so much its only been 3 months since hes passed and i was so close to him i was his carer so i was with him everyday his death was sudden . Iv had a fall out with my brother who is a nasty bit of work that i had to involve the police its just all getting to me and i feel i need time to myself and i cant because i got to look after my mother i feel responsible for her x

  • Can you get any daycare for her at all? Sorry I did forget if your mum has dementia? If she does then please look on the Alzhiemers website and contact your local office. They will get someone to come out and visit you, they will be able to tell you what's available in your area whether for you or your mum. Also, I'd advise you to call for a visit or telephone conversation with your mums doctor and ask to see an Admiral Nurse, they are hard to get but her doctor can contact the relevant office for one. I had one and she was extremely knowledgeable and will know where to go for the relevant help. I would give you my Facebook name to talk privately but I don't want it public as on here xx

  • You can look for me Paula Reynolds my profile pic is of me and my dad on my wedding day if you want to it would be nice to talk to someone x

  • Unfortunately I don't think they have Admiral nurses in South Wales, only in North Wales at the moment😟

  • Oh and I'm going in for 2 knee operations March and May so it's going to be a challenge here. Because we are self funding it would cost a heck of a lot to put her in respite care as they wont do short term here in Coventry. She went into respite the first year of diagnosis and it was £1000 for 2 weeks and we were lucky to get that. Better to have no money and rent your house as you'll be looked after then. It's terrible how we loose everything in this country if you have worked all your life and own your own home. Still at least there are agencies out there that can help like Age Concern or Alzhiemers they are very good x

  • Gosh thats a lot of money we are not in any postion to pay that amount its crazy x

  • I was very lucky to get free respite at our local community hospital, this was a few years ago my Mum died in 2005 , we wouldn't have been able to afford that either 😳 We also had free day care, I think maybe care is different here in Wales, we are asked in our surgery to say if you are a carer so you can get the help you need, as I said have a chat with you or your Mums Dr.to see what help Is available for you

    P.S I just looked on Facebook, is there a photo of you and your Mum on there too ?

  • Hi yes there is photos of me and my mother my Dad and daughters theres loads of pics of us there is photos of new years eve with me my mam and daughter x

  • Lovely photos 😃

  • Thank you x

  • Your very lucky to get free healthcare, recon wel have to move to Wales or Scotland lol.

  • I don't think all healthcare is free, but. I Know I had free respite and day care for my Mum, which was a few years ago, im assuming it's still the same , Maybe it depends on your circumstances , As. I said everything is different down here , we get free prescriptions too which is good

    Come and join us , there's a welcome in the hillside lol 😃

  • That there is a welcome in the hillside x

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