Doing it right.

[secrets22]

Did anyone watch '' We must talk about death''?

I was very impressed and uplifted with their findings that patients with Dementia and other serious health issues are overall much better cared for at home.

Their quality of life is much improved,and the palliative care at home is normally far better then a nursing home where they are often left unattended for hours on end.

They usually keep their sense of humour which will pop up on occasions,something I often feel is lost until we see them giggle with glee,and that is so heartening to experience.

Although I realise my own life is on hold,and I end up exasperated and exhausted frequently,i know that I will have no regrets at all.

I so well remember how kind,generous and good my partner was,i was his life,and now its my turn to do the same.

They do change,but underneath it all,they are still there,but different.

[sassy59]

I didn’t see the programme but agree about those with dementia being cared for at home if possible.

My mother in law has vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s and aged nearly 87 is in a care home. She is very well cared for and happy in her surroundings and gets lots of attention.

Your partner is very fortunate to have such a caring and loving person as you in his life and I hope you can continue to care for him. Xxxxx

[Hidden]

Hi secrets22,

I haven't managed to see this yet but I'm not that surprised to learn that dementia sufferers are apt to do better at home.

Home is something we nearly all identify with as meaning comfort, ease, love and cherishing. Even the most basic of homes are familiar to us, when compared with being put into a strange environment among people who are, at least at first, strangers and routines are very different.

I think it's a really lovely thing when we're able to make staying at home possible, as you do yourself, and done with your wonderful spirit it's extra lovely.

On the other hand I wouldn't want to make anyone feel they were neglecting a loved one by having to have them in a residential home. Our lives are so complex nowadays and it's sometimes almost a luxury to be able to be a carer, even though it's such tough and often unappreciated work.

I suppose that what really counts is how much we love and cherish those who need care, whether we can do that at home or through letting someone else deal with the practical work whilst we do the supporting. It must be a very bleak place in life in which to be, to feel that not only are your surroundings strange and the change difficult to understand, but that your loved ones have stopped engaging with you. Surely those must be the people who do worst of all.

As you so rightly say, somewhere underneath all the signs and symptoms of dementia is the person who was always there and who still needs love and cherishing.

[Hidden]

The programme wasn't actually about dementia sufferers although they were in it. It was about people with terminal illnesses and the fact that they are better at home (or in a hospice) than in a hospital.

[secrets22 in reply to Hidden]

yes I know,but many dementia sufferers are terminal and it did apply

[bantam12]

My Mum was happier in her care home, staying at home stressed her and me out !

My husband has been in hospital for 8 weeks, he wants to come home but it's just not practical at the moment, I would need to do fairly major alterations before it was possible and even then we are a long way from medical help in an emergency.

[Jacki66]

Can you please tell me where and when this program was on? I'd like to see if I can backtrack and find it. Thanks.

[secrets22]

Hey Jacki66.....it was BBC I think....about 5 days ago.?

[Jacki66]

Hi, still can't find this program. I've searched on BBCiPlayer and all over the place. If possible, can you give me an exact title as it is specific with searching? Ta.

[Bella395 in reply to Jacki66]

Here is the link:

bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b...

It was a Horizon programme.

I didn’t watch it but would caution about believing everything we see on television. There is no right or wrong in situations like this - much depends on domestic/family circumstances. Also, there is a political agenda here because looking after people in their home is a lot cheaper than the government having to pay for residential care. Let’s face it - carers are usually women who very often get no remuneration because they are of pensionable age. Many carers are ill, or become ill themselves as a result of caring.

This is not just about ill people but about the carers and support in the community. I can imagine folk nodding and agreeing with the programme makers because it all sounds very nice but it would be a different matter if they were having to give up their lives to look after someone. I know this sounds cynical but that’s what long term caring does for us.

[Jacki66 in reply to Bella395]

Thanks very much, I've got it now.

[secrets22 in reply to Bella395]

Bella,

I have given up my life to care for someone,and I also have a business to run,and I have been caring for someone for more than 5 years with no break at all,but I am not a complainer or a quitter and I am a man who suffers chronic fatigue and heart problems,but I get on with things,and indeed everyone has something worrying to contend with.

I hail from an Indian family,where the sick and elderly are revered and are always looked after no matter the difficulties and why on earth you need to bring politics into it I have no idea,i believed this forum was for support and not political dissent.

''To care for those who once cared for us is one of life's greatest honours.''

[Bella395]

Well done for achieving so much. I hope that you are able to continue with your caring role for as long as needed.