The parties over,its time to call it a day. - Care Community

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The parties over,its time to call it a day.


10 days ago my beloved David slipped away and I am distraught with grief.

What that man went through was truly horrific and I never want to see anything like it again.

The loss I feel is incomprehensible but I could not wish my David to continue ,it was sheer purgatory.

I am numb and cant get my head together,i make mistakes and get everything wrong.

I see so much to be done but I just sit and do nothing.

Dementia is the cruellest of diseases,they lose their dignity, and to watch the slow drip drip of decline is heartbreaking,and David suffered for 5 long years,and for most of that time I nursed him at home.

My faith has been sorely tested and I am yet to wonder what life is about.

I wish all carers and their loved ones a very happy Christmas.

16 Replies

Hi Secrets, I am so sorry for your loss, especially at this time of year, all that needs to be done will be done when you are able to deal with it, give yourself time to grieve, talk to people, friends, family, if you need them. I know the Samaritans are available to talk to today and tomorrow, sending love xxxxx


So sorry to read your sad news secrets. Take time to grieve your loss and hopefully people around you can help sort things out.

Dementia is indeed incredibly cruel and I do feel for you.

Sending gentle hugs. Xx


My dear secrets22,

I am so sorry. You've written many times of your love for your beloved David, and there are no words to comfort you at this awful time.

Please be reassured that everything you are feeling, or will feel are completely natural and you shouldn't force yourself to feel, act or think in any particular way. Grief is total and will take over your life for a while. One day, although it'll still be there, it will hurt a little bit less.

If you want to be alone and just sit and think, I hope you'll allow yourself to do that, but I hope you'll also feel able to take refuge in friends and family.

This is the cruellest time of year to lose anyone, least of all your soul-mate. You aren't alone. Those of us who are visiting this forum, including myself, are here supporting you and wish you comfort in your time of such sorrow.

Try to remember that it was you who made the difference in David's last days; you that brought him comfort and love, and maybe you can take a tiny bit of consolation in knowing you were there for him.

As Jennymary has said, if you are feeling inconsolable and need a little bit of extra support please do remember that the Samaritans are there, and will let you talk things through.

'Samaritans' new free helpline number is 116 123. Calls to this helpline number do not appear on phone bills. Samaritans is available round the clock, every single day of the year, providing a safe place for anyone who is struggling to cope.'

Meantime, my love to you and my wishes for you to gradually find the strength you need for the future. Blessings to you.

I am so very sorry that you have lost your husband. Dementia is so cruel and it's very hard for family to watch the decline and , as you say, the loss of dignity.

We are experiencing something very similar with my dad and it is truly heartbreaking. I do not want to lose my dad but I have found myself wishing that he would fall asleep and not wake up as it would stop his suffering.

My heart goes out to you and all those people caring for loved ones at this time. Christmas brings back memories of how it was and its devastating to know that it will never be the same again.

I think its understandable that you feel so unmotivated and confused. It will take time to heal after this ordeal. I think watching others suffer is traumatizing. There are organisations who can help such as CRUSE and of course the Samaritans or you might need a visit to your GP? Everyone is different and its whatever helps you.

Thank you for sharing this, if takes great courage to write down your thoughts and feelings like you have.

I hope that things start to look a bit brighter for you in the new year.

Sending lots of love

Helen xx

Am so sorry for your loss.they call dementia the long goodbye for a good reason.

You need to be kind to yourself,it doesn’t matter if stuff doesn’t get done.

Make sure you look after yourself,eat regularly even if it’s only beans on toast.

If any support is offered,take it.

Thinking if you

I am very sorry secrets. More than words can say. You were David's champion and your love for him always shone through.

You should be very proud of yourself. Although it was tough going he was always your priority.

You will feel very lost and strange for awhile and I do hope you have some people around you.

Make sure you eat and drink and don't worry about anything else.

Sending you love and hugs x

Thankyou all so much for your kind replies,it means a great deal in helping me feel less alone.x

Hello secrets22. It’s hard to know what to say that will be of any comfort at this sad time but if kind thoughts help, you have mine in abundance.

We carers have it very hard when our caring role is completed. We have spent so much time concentrating on our loved one that we can forget ourselves in the process. For some, that is quite scary so we have a mixture of emotions including grief and concern about the future.

From your posts on here, I am guessing that you are a strong person and I think you will draw on that strength to carve out a future for yourself but it will take some time. I don’t know if you live alone but if so, I know from my OH’s many hospital admissions that the emptiness of the home is hard to bear.

As it was five years ago when David first developed dementia, this is a new journey and it will be a difficult one. I hope that you have lots of support from family and friends. It’s not the same as having your loved one here but it is helpful.

Please keep posting to let us know how you are. You are no longer a carer but are still part of this community and in time, perhaps you will be able to help others who need advice and support.

Hi secrets22, it must be so difficult losing David n the time of year doesn't help one little bit huh?

You say ur doing everything wrong and making mistakes? So, when do you feel things need to be spot on? Is there a rule book? The answers are never and no. So, to never know means you need to do things one thing at a time, and if that means grieving before any practical crap then do it! If you need to hang from a tree by your toes in order to make sense of things do it! Be kind to yourself.

Many condolences to you my friend. I am still my 92year old mothers carer full time who has Alzheimer and Vascular Dementia. Your husband is at peace now and so he deserves this more than anything, I wish only this for my mum also. Ofcause we are all distraught when our loved ones pass but be reassured that you have done an amazing job for him and he was very lucky to have had you look after him. I have been doing this for.nearly 8 years now and it is the cruelest of diseases to watch but also for us the Carers and family who literally give up their lives to Care for them but also to watch them decline and not know us any more. Take care and eventually over time, go forth and live your life again. Xx

Thinking about you Secrets. Hope you are coping Ok.

Let us know how you are x

secrets22 in reply to Lynd

Lynd......thankyou,i am going through a raft of emotions and the loss is truly devastating,but I pray that the sun will shine on me once more.x

Lynd in reply to secrets22

Hi Secrets

David is at peace now.

You were a wonderful carer and I am sure the sun will shine on you once more.

Make sure you keep in touch and let us know how you are. X

secrets22 - I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are. If you are still on the forum and have time to reply, please let us know.

secrets22 in reply to Bella395

Thankyou Bella.....I am still here and will continue to keep in touch.x

Thank you for calling in to the forum. It is nice to hear from you. I hope you are getting plenty of support and are coping with your loss.

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