Getting it off your chest

Hi everyone, last week's Poll about the things you find hard about Caring, made interesting reading. Top came frustration and anger and I don't think this is surprising in the least.

It's a huge responsibility to take on the complete care of another person. It doesn't matter how much you love them and want to do a good job for them, sometimes frustration comes bubbling up. Often it's over something you feel is unfair which you've been carrying inwardly for a long time, and really often it comes to the surface when you've been promised help or financial aid from social sources and it fails to materialise, leaving you feeling worthless and not listened to.

So what to do with this? I don't know about you but I've read all those sage lists others write to try to help you defuse and de-stress. Some of them are a tad unrealistic. If you've had the day from hell, and someone who was supposed to turn up to, say, give nursing services, doesn't appear on time, it's liable to develop quickly into red mist. And I fail to see how you can meditate your way out of that one, or choose to go and listen to some cheerful music and dance, as one source I read, suggested!

All of these things help in their own way. The cheerful music, a five minute, stress-relieving meditation (even if that's just a quick trip into the garden to take some deep breaths), or longer term solutions like finding a sitter so that you can have an occasional break outside the home. Those are longer-term things which need a time and a place. But an instant de-stress is sometimes the only thing that will really help.

And that's where we come in handy as a community. There can be very few people here who don't understand the need for a pure rant! I've read lots of them in the past, and the vast majority end with 'Sorry! So glad to get that off my chest. I feel better now!'.

There's no need to be, or say 'sorry'. It's what we do as a community, as most of us have felt the need at some point or another. It doesn't harm the person you are caring for in any way, and we all understand why you are doing it!

So please, if you are having a bad day, don't feel no-one's listening if you just need and want to get it off your chest. Keep it clean and keep it polite, but otherwise just go for it........ I guarantee it will make you feel better.

Photo courtesy of Unsplash: Usman Yousaf

[sassy59]

Thank you Callendersgal for your excellent post. Sometimes just some breathing space can make all the difference. When I couldn’t go out for a little while with my daughter because of lock down I would just go upstairs and potter or just sit on our bed thinking. It made a difference.

I’m fortunate in many ways with being Pete’s carer but I also have our son who takes up a lot of my thoughts but that’s a whole different story.

I hope you get replies, should anyone want to offload. We’re here for each other. Xxx💖👍

[Hidden in reply to sassy59]

Thanks sassy59! I think it's good to know that it's ok to offload. We're all human and can only take so much stress!

[sassy59 in reply to Hidden]

👍💜😘🌻

[Hidden]

It's the little things that are the most annoying isn't it and small annoyances build up over time until you can't take anymore as yes it's infuriating when things are promised and then at the last minute the door is slammed shut in your face as no you aren't and it feels like you are getting offered a tin of sweets and then the tin is taken off you and there's not a thing you can do about it either!

What I have learned is when things get promised to say OK then and assume nothing they won't be happening so when they do it's nice in order to save myself the upset of thinking I am promised something and then no I am not and the door is slammed shut in my face!

At my previous job management would pull this on staff all the time claim things were available and I was on the receiving end of this a number of times and one instance they had claimed that I was going to be working in the registration department there and I had worked there a couple of days only to be told no I wasn't and had that door well and truly slammed shut in my face!

Nowadays I feel they did me a favour when they pulled that stunt even though it hurt at the time as nowadays if I had been made permanent in there it would have been like putting a plaster on an untreated wound as now I feel that with that place I really needed to have got out altogether and that I did and had left with my head held high!

When doors are slammed shut in your face and things promised don't happen they can feel like the end of the world when they strike!

One idea I will take forward from those incidents is some advice from a friend there in another department next time things are promised get them in writing which I felt was good advice!

Those incidents at that job weren't a waste as lessons were learned from them about never to expect anything from anyone unless they are proven to be trustworthy like trusted friends.

No experiences are a waste when you have learned lessons from them!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yes, that's right Catgirl1976. Carers are great, mostly very selfless people, but aren't superhuman and things do build up, especially when you are expecting someone to keep a promise to assist you and then the help doesn't arrive. And you can feel very trapped, not knowing how long you are going to have the role you have undertaken.I think that if others would just stick to the promises they make to help, or just not make promises at all if they are going to be broken, there would be less frustration, but even so, no matter how much help you get, it still remains one of the most emotion filled and difficult jobs in the world.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Just to explain I do understand that things come up and change and when someone really can't do something they have promised I do understand.

What makes me cross is when promises are made that aren't going to be delivered and they had no intention of delivering them lying to shut you up.

Point is if you have no intention of carrying out a promise in the first place don't make it!

I dont mind an honest no sorry I can't do that straight off as that's honest.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Totally agree Catgirl1976 and not only in Care either. Empty promises are worthless.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I would rather just say no I'm sorry I can't make that promise even if it is a lie as sorry I can't do something is to the point and honest.

[Hellebelle]

Hi Callendersgal,

I am not surprised that anger and frustration came out top. Caring can be so rewarding but also so frustrating at times!

Your own needs get forgotten and it can cause resentment as all those things you had set your heart on doing are now off the agenda. I think understanding friends and family are so important and the possibility of getting regular respite. I do think the government ought to step up and make this possible for every carer, not just those who can afford it. After all, carers save the state billions of pounds for doing hours of unpaid work.

Thank you for taking the time to ask us how we feel. That in itself is therapeutic!

Although I am not spending so many hours caring, as my dad sadly passed away last year, I am now spending more time helping to care for my mum. She lives alone but is getting more and more forgetful. I live a distance away, so it isn't always easy to be as responsive as I would like.

I hope that everyone has managed to get a bit of time in the sun this week. The weather can have a huge effect on your mood and I have felt happier walking my lovely dog in the woods near to where we live.

🌳🌳🌳🌳🐕xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hellebelle]

You are most welcome Hellebelle and I totally agree that it would be a small price for government to pay to provide proper respite care for carers by comparison with dealing with the aftermath of carer burn-out! And just think of all those crises nationwide when carers suddenly can't cope any more and social services have to step in at a moment's notice to arrange emergency help. I find it so sad that the relief obtained as a carer often only comes through the death of a dear loved one and it must be so bitter-sweet for you to have gained a little time through the loss of your dad. Such is life, unhappily!

I think it causes additional stress when you are far removed from the person you are trying to support. There's always the potential of a crisis looming in your mind and when it does inevitably come, it's that much harder to put safety measures in place. So I don't envy your situation with your mum at all, but at least for now you have things worked out.

Hasn't it been glorious for the past few days. More overcast again today here, but I think we were all overdue at least a couple of days of summery weather to lift our spirits after all we've been through. It's incredible how it does lift your mood. I had a day out on Monday with my family and it has really bucked me up no end. Maybe sometimes some summer sun should be available on prescription too! 😊

[Sara_2611]

Thanks for a lovely message

If theres one thing I hate about my mum - any conversation I have with her she always has an answer for everything & everytime I try & disagree with her she starts pointscoring with her comments to push home that she is right & Im not & everytime I tell her to stop point scoring she goes mad at me

My indirect way of telling her shes not right on everything is for me to remind her that she cant point score on equestrian matters & because theres only one equestrian expert who has the knowledge & can mention things is ME !!!! & her comments she makes that are contrary to mine are WRONG

[Hidden]

HI Sara_2611, I know you've told me before that you sometimes butt heads with your mum and all I can say is that I'm sure that anything she says is for love of you and wanting the best for you. I know that you know your stuff when it comes to horses, and how much they mean to you. From time to time we all have to deal with people who are pretty determined to be in the right, but the best way to handle this is probably just to quietly know that you are right. I don't know about you but I find life's too short and too complex to spend much of it in conflict with anyone. Take care!

[Lynd]

Had an awful few weeks. My Mum was in hospital and was so distressed. Couldn't vist because of covid. She can't use a mobile so in the end had to keep ringing her on those really expensive bed phones. She came out worse than when she went in.My sister and I decided she needs carers coming in

She is 88,and frail. Convincing her was hard. She is very generous money wise and we have had to ask her to stop this and use some of her money for her own needs. I care for my husband and my sister does what she can between working.

I have asked her if she would like to live with us but she doesn't want to.

Our relationship is always up and down as Mum has always thought she can say what she likes to me. The older I got the more I have defended myself. She is really bad with it at the moment. It makes me really sad. She has been a good Mum in many ways but she is pretty complex.

My husband has a brain injury due to Hypoxia. He does really well but I need to generally supervise him as his short term memory is very poor.

We have tried hard to rebuild our livesso and we are doing ok.

On the plus side my Husband has PIP and I thought they would subject us to another grilling soon but he has had a letter saying his entitlement has no end date.

I was so angry having to take my Husband to that first interview for Pip. He thought he was going for a job interview. He had no idea what PIP was. So humiliating for him. Anyway, he got it.

We decided to have a mobility car.

I am used to driving an old car so a new car has been a big learning curve.

The lights come on when the car thinks they should. Same for window wipers.

Sat nat I've got to work once.

Trying to sort the radio out and now all my written instruction are in French!!!

Going to have to go back to Mr salesman for a lesson.

Sat listening to beautiful bird song this evening afterthe rain. It certainly was lovely.

Thanks for the rant.

[Hidden in reply to Lynd]

Only too delighted Lynd and that was a very gentle rant in any case!

Your poor mum, and it’s so hard becoming the one in charge when we’ve spent our lives expecting that to be mum’s prerogative.

And I know how full your hands are already with the care of your husband.

I guess that’s another facet of Care. Those casual humiliations we endure in trying to fight for the best treatment of our loved ones.

Rest assured you are doing a marvellous job, no matter how strained your relationship has become with your mum and I hope you really do feel better for a bit of a rant! 😊🙏