I don’t know if anyone’s had any experience with this or knows what is causing it but I would appreciate any advice, comforting or not, on this problem.
Since my husband became disabled I can’t stop moving house. We were in Bucks when he had a car accident causing a stroke (through dissection of his carotid artery). We moved to Scotland because the NHS is better. We bought a bungalow then Agter a few years we moved back to England, going through the whole sale and purchase process again. We were there for 1.5 years and moved back to Scotland because a I couldn’t settle. We’ve just sold there and bought here again and I can’t settle. I just can’t help it.
This selling, buying and moving is costing us our capital but I can’t help myself.
Does anyone have any input into this problem or has anyone experienced similar?
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Jacki66
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23 Replies
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Hi Jacki66,
Well this is unusual problem you've brought to us! I do remember your last post was on the topic of moving too!
I must admit that until the latter half of my life I was pretty nomadic myself, but that was largely as part of living as a military wife. I then went out to the Caribbean, but stayed put for 16 years and have now been back in the UK for nearly 8 and am now resigned to staying put, but I must say I used to quite like the change of scene and challenge that moving so much brought, and I always felt a frisson of excitement that this time we might be moving to the perfect location.
Of course no such thing exists and sooner or later we come to see that one kitchen sink is much like another. And it might be that you too are pursuing the ideal location or house which each time you believe will be the one for you, forever.
Or, is there something deeper in your life that maybe you are subconsciously trying to escape? Something in your life that you'd like to be better and you put a sticking plaster on it, by moving location instead?
Sometimes too I think we don't give ourselves enough time to settle. We don't like where we are and immediately think of moving on again, instead of working through those things we aren't happy with.
I definitely wanted to escape the Caribbean when I first got there. It took a good six years before it began to feel like home, but there was no running away from it. I was stuck there. And then when I had to leave, I really didn't want to!
So, I don't really have your answer, but maybe a few things to think about.
Very best wishes anyway, and I do hope that sooner rather than later, you'll find that place and home that seem just right to you.
Hi, it sounds like you have had a lot to cope with in the last few years. I am no expert in this but I was just wondering if you are doing this because you have control over It? It sounds as if there have been lots of things that have happened to you that you didn't have any control over and moving house is something you can exert influence over. Sometimes when life seems out of control we can find comfort in something solid to concentrate on. Also, it could be a distraction from events going on around us. It's just a thought. I hope you manage to settle soon, if that is what you would prefer.
I wonder if it's because your hubby is now disabled and you are finding it very difficult to come to terms with it. When my hubby became disabled I realized he was no longer the man I married and I wept several times but now I know he is still the same old :#?/* just in a different body. We don't live the same way anymore but I have still have him with me hooray. If it's at all possible join some sort of group just for you I go to a knit and natter group and that two hours break from caring really helps. I wish you good luck and sending you gentle supportive hugs
You’ve made me cry with these words. I’m joining a Carers support group next week and will at least get some “me time”. I feel guilty even doing that though.
You have given us all something to think about and have got some amazing replies. I wonder if the problem is not where you happen to live but your inability to settle. I had a friend who was never happy with where he lived. `in the end his wife refused to move again as it was upsetting the children to keep moving schools. He decided to take advice about why he was always hoping for something better if only he lived elsewhere. I obviously don't know the details as he was not one to talk about his problems but his wife said that he got a lot of help from a having counselling. He came to understand that it was not WHERE he lived that was wrong but HOW he lived so his problems followed him to his new house and nothing improved. Of course everyone is different. You have a lot of problems maybe if some of the money spent on house moves could be spent on more care for your husband giving you more time to develop a better life for your self that might help? Caring is tough and does not leave much of a life for the carer. and that is the same wherever you live. Only a thought
Hi. I’ve thought about all of this before and more or less came to the same conclusion. I’ve just simply got to stop haemorrhaging capital or we’ll have none left and our houses are having to get cheaper each time w3 move. It’s not the house that we lose money on, stamp duty, removals and lawyers take up all of it!
Hey jacki66. My question is, what are you trying to leave behind only to find that it has followed you? What are the common denominators that don't change? Yourself and your OH. Maybe you guys should get together and really talk through what is bothering each of you? You've been keeping yourself busy with the processes of moving house, along with failing to find what you are really looking for? Does going back relieve the anxieties? At the same time, the OH is letting you? Ignoring the fiscal implications, it appears that you are both hiding from a reality that neither of you have come to terms with yet?
We all have something that we find incredibly difficult to face up to. Regarding housing, have you tried sheltered housing or a retirement village? You wouldnt be so physically alone there (either of you), with support on hand.
I don't know what disabilities OH has, (and I'm not being nosey!) but appreciate that things may have changed drastically for you both, to the point where maybe you feel guilty for the things you find yourself feeling/thinking. This is a natural part of grieving; for the loss of what went before. I may sound harsh, but it won't get any better by hiding away, it will prolong the agonies.
It sounds like you've already decided to move again, dragging whatever it is that is bugging you, around the country again. It's not that you don't like the areas, not that you don't like the house, so what is it that you don't like Jacki66? You've also alerady forecast that it would be another 'disaster'. You know that you will only end up having to move again as things don't feel right!
Hi. I have already made enquires re retirement places because this would protect my husband if anything happens to me. I’m 52, he’s 50. 99% cater for 60+ and a few from 55+. This is why a I have to try and wait. Sheltered housing is means tested isn’t it? If so, we would not qualify.
Perhaps it is your judgement that is the problem here. Could it be that your choice of housing/location is not actually suiting your current needs? It might help to make a list of things that would make your life easier to cope with. Some of those things might be level access, easy to maintain garden, near to shops, bus route, good GP surgery, hospital, social services, rehabilitation services.
Unfortunately when your list is made and you have identified these needs, it could well be that a suitable property that fits the criteria may not be the one that you actually prefer so it will be a case of deciding what your priorities are.
Hi. You are right. I’ve started making a list before we jump into another disaster. It would be good if the UK government forced new home builders to do more bungalows for disabled people. We often don’t have a choice of this when we move.
There seems to be a shortage of bungalows, doubtless because they take up more land. They tend to be more expensive than houses when comparing square footage. Added to this, developers often snap them up and either convert them into houses or knock them down.
I agree that the government should step in as we have an ageing population and a shortage of houses for families.
I was wondering if you might consider renting because you could then move on with minimal loss. You could invest the capital to help pay the rent and you would not have the upkeep of the property. Alternatively, if your capital doesn’t extend to a bungalow, how about an apartment? They tend to be in areas that are well serviced by shops, bus routes etc. Main thing is to be satisfied that you have more or less what you need in your next move. There will be compromises though. Hopefully it will work out next time you move house.
I’ve considered renting but nobody will touch me with a lease even paying upfront which Ive suggested (for financial reasons I don’t want to disclose on this public portal). It’s a great pity because that would solve a lot of problems
That’s a shame. As you say, it would solve the problem to a certain extent because you could move more easily if the property didn’t suit. Have you tried housing associations and the local authority? Your husband’s disability would maybe give you medical priority.
Nothing is perfect though. We have a bungalow but it is too far from the bus stop so definitely need a car. OH has given up driving so everything is down to me now. Also, we don’t need the space and upkeep. Thought about a flat but can’t cope with the upheaval of moving. I would have to do all the work myself. Instead, we are trying to get rid of stuff to make life more simple and manageable. It’s a slow job though.
I hope you find a solution to this. It’s not your fault - you are in a difficult situation by the sound of it and it’s so easy to make the wrong choices when under pressure.
Hi. I haven’t tried a housing association or the like because, correct me if I’m wrong, don’t you have to be means tested to qualify for any of these homes?
I don’t know - think it is best to make enquiries. I am wondering if the fact that your current home is unsuitable for a disabled person and you can’t afford to buy one that it might give you priority.
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