I have to keep keeping on for my sanity.

[secrets22]

Dont usually moan especially after i see what others are going through,but the constant pain i'm in is an unrelenting agony & nothing relieves it,I barely sleep 2 hours a night.Having a shower and getting dressed takes a lot of manouvering and putting socks on is worthy of a place in the Royal Ballet's production of Swan Lake,obviously as the dying swan.

Cooking i do,but very basic,nothing complicated,but i get by quite well just using just one hand.

I have been under enormous pressure to find a number of documents and invoices,but today i told the said investigator to go and bury himself under Ayers Rock,such is my annoyance.

Because i have always been a doer i really struggle to accept my doing days are over for the immediate future.

I bought a new arm/elbow sling which so far i cannot put together,no instructions,and with the amount of different aids i've bought i could open a care shop.

None the less i am determined to go and see Jack Dee tonight at the Curzon,and thankfully my good friend is coming to collect me even though i might look like Worzel Gummage high on speed.

Unfortunately the Morphine and Zapain makes me quite disorientated and affects my vision,so its no surprise i stumble a bit,and i do have to be ultra careful in moving around.

Thank goodness i still have all the safety bars in place which were installed for David,for they are a Godsend.

I think the worst thing is living alone,and without my wee dogs i would be boogered,even though they do get under my feet at times,but i am diligent when moving around.

Oh my,i have gone on a bit,but sometimes you just have to let things out.

[sassy59]

It is awful for you secrets, suddenly realising you can’t do things because you’re temporarily incapacitated. Being in constant pain brings you down doesn’t it. I sympathise because Pete is in lots of pain too and it’s horrible to see. Have a great time this evening and please don’t apologise for telling us how you feel. We’re here for you.

Look after yourself and your lovely dogs.

Thinking of you.

Carole xxxx

[Hidden]

There is nothing better when the chips are down than a good rant secrets22 and you are more than entitled to let it all out. So sorry your pain continues and let’s hope that Jack Dee will give you a really good laugh tonight and help you to forget for a little while- Take extra good care of yourself and hang in there! Thinking of you.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi Roddy, Sue yes laughter releases happy hormones and having a good rant gets out the stress mustn't suppress it, Roddy you have got through much worst as I feel grief emotional pain is much harder to cope with than physical you have prooved how strong you are and resilient, your heeling slowly everyday passes is a day closer to that relief day when no more crippling pain 🤗💐xx

[secrets22 in reply to Hidden]

thankyou my dear Mandy...and of course you are correct,but once this pain subsides i can get back on track.PS/ love all the work you are doing and what you are having done,its going to be marvellous.xx

[Hidden in reply to secrets22]

I hope you enjoyed your night out last night as something nice has happened.

Hope you are feeling better and that the dogs are well.

I have found that grief makes me irrational at times.

[secrets22 in reply to Hidden]

Irrational oh yes,without doubt.It was a pleasant night out but i was in so much discomfort and being sat for 3 hours was far from easy,i thought i was going to pass out,but even so i;m glad i made the effort.yes my little dogs are doing well,thankyou for asking for they are my greatest gift.x

[Hidden in reply to secrets22]

Baby our ginger tabby is well and looking forward to her kippers later on.

I have had a nice early start this morning and have been listening to music and doing job applications.

[Hidden in reply to secrets22]

I have found things challenging with curbing urges to lash out at family members because I am angry with them for getting favoured when I wasn't.

I had a think about what is it that sends me to the urge to lash out at them and then realised it was anger over them getting privileges that I didn't and the unfairness of it that's behind the urge to lash out but thankfully I never did though and others tell me how it's because I had only wanted the same things which is what makes me feel like that and the unfairness of it all.

[Hidden in reply to secrets22]

For you and of course you sue the special full moon and Venus 🤗bless you both I have sent good vibres to you both out to the universe as I watched the moon and of course all those that need heeling

🤗😁

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

How are you and Prince Pixie getting on?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi cat thanks for asking I am not too good bit depressed but as secrets said have to keep my sanity for pixie and mam's sake pixies very tired he's still enjoying his snuggle time with mummy he often falls asleep on settee and doesn't wake until 3.3o then he comes up to me how are you and baby 🤗😺

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Baby is fine and is asleep after eating her kippers for her weekly treat!

I am well and enjoyed a brunch out yesterday with my friends and talked about how covid has changed us as people and I feel for me on the whole it's changed me for the better.

This brunch was postponed from March 2020 when we decided to cancel it ourselves before the decision was made for us when everything shut down!

Saturday we were due to have gone to the lido and in the morning it was raining heavily but we decided to go along anyway only to find out there were problems with the trains so we decided not to bother and went to a dessert parlour instead where the staff couldn't do enough for us which took the sting out of the disappointment of the lido but we have rearranged for another day.

Today I got up early and got on with job hunting, prepared for this week's interviews, had a walk and listened to some music and had lots of cups of tea as well and watched eastenders from 1997.

During the pandemic I have had episodes when I have felt depressed and fed up as well and I remember at the start when I cried when the usual Easter celebrations weren't happening and when there was going to be no usual holidays in June and September last year either and when whispers went round about Christmas being cancelled and also back in February this year when the weather was nice and a trip to the seaside was out of the question.

In regard to holidays this year I feel we made the right decision in deciding to save ourselves the upset and not bother at all!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Glad you did something else to stop your disappointment, I'm tryner get electrician I have wires dangling allover my builder can't finish job until there sorted I feel a bit better now as decided where my sink is going and getting used to open plan I had to go shop for pixie he doesn't like his biscuits or want sardine he's gobbles his cat tin meat he will be bored with it tomorror no doubt, I am realising how lucky I am after moaning to mam and felt upset for upsetting her as she was I'll last night with the curry I did say she needs to give her tum a rest after a bad attack she is on lanzaprozil stomach acid too much, she never listens to me but today she did and had porridge and soup but when we went on bike which I enjoyed to get roof sealer tape and socket cover she said oh pubs doing a roast dinner 5 pound we will go on way back I said no way we will go when your better, I'm swimming Thursday after my interview to be honest I'm getting past caring about anything but I have been drinking far too much lately I need to sort that I think I need to meet my soul mate if I get the job maby I will meet a nice driver fate is fate and I think I deserve a lucky break and you too with your job search it's been a long wait for us both take care keep in touch 🤗😺💐

🙄☹️😢

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Best of luck for Thursday anyway!

I have an interview then at 9.30am and also today for 9.30 as well which is great as with 9.30 it's over then for the rest of the day!

With that interview that went wrong that was at 4pm last month what it was that upset me was their attitude more than anything else.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks you too I'll be thinking of you when I'm waiting for my interview Thursday sending good vibres to you 🤗😺💐

Tired out and he's just woke up he got up as I did

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Baby sends her best to Pixie!

How is the spoilt one?

Best of luck with your interview tomorrow.

I have mine as well at 9.30am in Newport tomorrow so an early start for me tomorrow morning.

One thing I wont be doing is upsetting myself by getting my hopes up over it.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi cat how did it go mine went very well I think.i got the job but depends I guess if anyone else is better well if I don't I know I'll try again my friend never got her job there first time and as it's my 2nd time they explained it was because the police check wasn't valid as I wasn't active for so long apperently there having trouble getting references back she said I'll see if the requirement team have still got yours on file well if there desperate I don't think they will bother as know they seen them before I'll know tonight if she rings if don't get job I can have lye in with pixie as I'll be up about 6.3o and got lot to do on my house but as it's only about 2 hours day if I'm.on the run they mentioned which I did before for 2 weeks picking a nice girl called Katie up her mother's funny about who she goes with as Katie doesn't always take to the p a she has a regular one who's wanting to change her run as done for 2 years I covered last year when she was off 🤗😺

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

It was a good morning out anyway and productive as I went to the park before my interview at 9.30 and did 2 rounds of it.

After the interview I walked into town and round the shops there and came back home for 1pm and got on the crowded bus home and survived it as I feel strongly that you can't hide away forever!

Had the call just now and I didn't get the job but wasn't upset though and feel its a blessing in disguise as it was only temporary anyway.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Glad you had good day and been positive reaction on job, I havnt had phone call yet but she said was working day and night and I guess I can rule it out after 9

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I never Got phone call but they were interviewing all day and night working into night I didn't give such a great answer on one of the questions which was what would I do if a child with behaviour problems got agressive I said smack its bum and throw off the bus lol 😁no I never I just said try to calm him them down make sure safe in there seat and tell the driver, she said how would you calm it I couldn't think we'll to be honest I am not too good with them type of children my friend got on a run with them quite a bit and she said doesn't want to do that run anymore but she's been there about 3 years and she's a valued worker worked through COVId i told her what mam said if you take the crap jobs they'll just put on you more as I told them when I worked there I only want 3 days now I'd only been there 2 weeks, and other people are always saying they don't want this n that but I think she shouldn't have built my hopes up saying about Katie who I used to take to school needing a p a and how could is that her words were but I think it was the other lady doubting me and they must of had better people with better answers, well I am looking forward to long lays in with pixie in winter and doing house up ready to move one day I'm looking forward to my day out with mam n niece's daughter fish n chips and seeing the church moon I'll post it on here free for all Friday later it's 5 am pixies just gone out to toilet I'm having double chamomile teabag lol while he gets back hope you have good weekend I shall start looking for different type of work 🤗😺🙋

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

P s pixies fine just tired he had chicken yesterday and today as I accidently left the chicken scewers out which were cooked but frozen I'm tired out had good day with nephews kids and I'm so exhausted not drinking any alcohol for a while I won't need it to sleep or anything as I'm.so exhausted to care about where I am my head will hit the pillow fast tonight and we're taking mam's grandaughter to see the moon in church in town someone made and fish n chips 😁😺pixie sends his love to baby

[Jennymary]

Hi Roddy hope you've enjoyed your night out, I do feel your pain, because mine is all on my knee, unable to stand on my own 2 feet, take myself to the bathroom, having to use bed pans screaming in pain when I use the hoist which is a manual one, I hold the bar with my good hand and literally have to pull myself up, asking these overworked nurses to put some rubbish in the bin asking them to put phone and tablet on charge, then asking for them back, hang on there we'll get through this, sending gently hugs

[secrets22 in reply to Jennymary]

you are so kind,but my goodness you are going through the mill to.Actually my night was ok except i was in so much pain,and sitting for 3 hours was so difficult to do,i was twisting and turning and did'nt know what to do. hugs to you to my friend,x

[Hidden in reply to Jennymary]

The nurses and health care workers always manage to be so nice don't they in spite of being under so much pressure.

[Hidden in reply to Jennymary]

Bless You I understand pain re my damage knee cartillafe had trouble getting downstairs but ok now but after reading your story I am very lucky mam walks down backwards but had bad back she won't go hospital and now her hips dodgy and on off knee think may get stairlift chair but it's not easy adapting to needing changes she's 82 I wish you well and hope your pain gets less somehow 🤗💐x

[Neckback]

So how was Jack? Was he, his usual jovial self? He really cracks me up🤣

[secrets22 in reply to Neckback]

he was very good with his dry humour.