Wailing

Please has anyone had similar experience. My sister and I live with our mum alternate weeks as she can't walk, needs to be hoisted and refused outside help. Recently she has started wailing if we are not in the room with her or she can't change the TV etc. She doesn't have dementia and can air her views quite strongly and we are finding the situation incredibly difficult any help please, she is 87.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello and welcome nowonlythree to this supportive and caring community.How difficult it must be for you all. As this wailing behaviour is a recent development, I wonder when did your Mum last see a health professional?, it would be worth ruling out any underlying conditions. Also as you say your Mum can air her views quite strongly and refuses outside help, what about you & your sister together having a chat with her about how things are & if she has any anxieties or concerns. It may be worthwhile considering outside help again as it could benefit you all. You & your sister need to look after yourselves as well, you are doing the best that you can for your Mum. The community here will share their wisdom and experiences with you. Please keep in touch.

[Hidden in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thank u so much for taking the time to reply caring for someone so intensely can feel very lonely at times and it's easy for resentment to build up so to be able to offload to someone other than family is a real help.

[sassy59]

Welcome to you nowonlythree. What a horrible situation for you all. It does sound as if your dear mum is suffering some form of anxiety so could benefit by being seen by a doctor or health professional.

I agree with MAS_Nurse that outside help may well be of benefit to you all but trying to persuade your mum could be difficult.

Please let us know how things go. Take care xxxxx

[Hellebelle]

Hi, this sounds really difficult for all of you. My family had great difficulty in persuading both my parents to have outside help but it is so important for everyone concerned to try to do that. My poor sister who lives next door to them was worn out and my mum, the main carer for my dad was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The relationship between my parents we breaking down as my mum felt very resentful. She had no life of her own and is 80 years old and frail herself. She was also resentful towards my sister as she was working full time and could not help mum in the way she expected. I live over a 100 miles away and could only help every few weeks. We found a local agency who had lovely carers who are kind and considerate towards both of my parents. The carers go out of their way for them and my dad said the other day that they are very lucky to have them. They are also able to take my dad out on a Wed afternoon whilst my mum goes to her over 60s club. They both look forward to it and their relationship has improved so much. The carers call twice a day to do dad's personal care and also help with a few domestic tasks such as washing and cleaning. Although it is costing money, my dad gets attendance allowance which helps towards it. However, I would say the money is well spent and has given us all all a better relationship.

I wish you well in persuading your mum to accept care. You and your sister are entitled to a life also.

[Hidden]

Hi nowonlythree. My mum was quite similar in that she would shout out loudly, frequently and unexpectedly during the last phase of her life. She was also then 87ish and like your mum she didn't have dementia, but was cared for in a nursing home rather than at home, and because she was becoming disruptive for other residents was assessed by a geriatric psychologist.

Her 'proclamation' was that mum was scared of dying on her own and she was actually crying out for someone to be with her most of the time because she understood inwardly that the end was coming. We could only soothe her and someone would try to be with her, though it wasn't always possible.

I didn't really buy into this explanation at all, but it was all we had. Mum refused any further sedative medications, so unfortunately it did go on until a short period before she died.

She'd had one more fall, despite all the care she had in the nursing home and was in hospital, when she suddenly became very peaceful, and the calling stopped. About three days later she died, very peacefully, having just remarked, as she looked out of the window that it was a 'lovely blue sky this morning and the clouds looked so pretty'. She then fell asleep and didn't waken again.

Probably not much of a comfort or help to you, but I thought it might help you to know that that this isn't a unique problem.

I'd actually be very interested myself if anyone else has encountered this and whether they had a better strategy for dealing with it than we managed.

Very best wishes and I hope you manage to find some help with this.

[Whitewitch13]

She is probably totally frustrated with her situation and for having to rely of you two so much, poor lady. And, I do know how demanding it is to care for someone, my halo slipped many a time It is also easy to take frustration out on those that are closest to us and she may not even realise what she is doing. Perhaps just sitting down and talking over a cup of tea, adult to adult, could change things a bit. Sometimes its the adult/child relationship that needs attention, and the child has to take, and be allowed to take, the adult position. Sorry if this doest apply to your relationship, but I found it was like this with my mom (who did have dementia). Also I guess when you are with your mum you are "doing" a lot of the time. If this is so, maybe take time out just to sit, talk, listen to music, watch TV, look at photos together. Even when people are around its still possible to feel lonely. Hope you find a solution. Wishing all of you some peace.

[FredaE]

As usual such wise and helpful advice. . Often people don't know WHAT they are trying to say , they just know that they must do SOMETHING. The sound of carers' halos hitting the deck is something we all know. We are onlly human and an awful lot is asked of us. Our patients, however nice they are can say some unkind things. .Part of V's MSA was visits from Mr Nasty who would hang around being unpleasant for a few hours and diappear for weeks. We had to try not to respond in kind but thats not easy when you are stretched to the limit. I do remember being distinctly uncharitable when Mt Nasty said he was going to leave and and live with someone else who would look after him better. He did not remember saying it afterwards nor what I said in reply so no need for either of us to feel guilty!!