Lonely in a crowd

[Sandyblues]

Hi I live in a care home where I've spent the last four years but I'm still lonely because I feel different to other people.I'm 72 but I'm very young for my age and feel I don't fit in.I would really like to hear from someone who might understand my problem as I get very anxious.Best wishes to everyone who feels the same,Sandy x

[jaykay777]

Sandy --I think I understand how you feel. My situation is similar but different in some ways. I am an 86-year-old widow living in an independent living facility on the edge of a forest in North Central Florida. I have one friend here whom I've know for quite a while. But I don't relate to the people in their 90s who are frail, or the ones younger than I who have dementia. Those people are not supposed to live here, but they do until they enter the later stages and are transferred elsewhere. Where do you live, Sandy? Let's keep in touch here and hope to hear from others in similar situations. jaykay777.

[Sandyblues]

Your right they're much older and most have dementia.Also there is an activities programme but that's all suited to the very elderly people and I feel so out of it.I have a daughter who visits but she's now got a lovely baby girl and she can't come in as much as she used to.All the music that gets played is a different era but I won't moan any more.thanks for listening Best wishes Sandy x

[bantam12 in reply to Sandyblues]

Oh dear it sounds soul destroying, although my Mum had dementia when she moved to a home she still found living there depressing, it was as if everyone had just given up.

Could you look to moving somewhere better suited to your age, a retirement village would be great with all the facilities available.

[Sandyblues]

Hi thanks for the reply.I live in a seaside town called Weston super mare in the UK.I can't move homes as I get government help with funding my placement so I'm stuck here.My daughter visits about once a week as she has a 7 month old baby so she's always busy.I love it when I see them but wish it was more often.Please tell me more about yourself I've gone on long enough so look forward to your reply.take care Sandy xx

[Hidden]

Hi Sandy, I don't live in a residential home but I can totally identify with the feeling of being lonely in a crowd. I don't have an instant answer for you, because, if I did, I'd have already found a solution for feeling a similar thing. I live with a loving partner, so it's not that sort of loneliness either, just that of feeling like an alien amongst people whose interests and beliefs are completely at odds with mine. I've tried everything to fit in, but lunch clubs for the elderly, outings and whatever it is, leave me quietly on my own, with nothing in common with the people around me. I think some of us are just destined to feel the way we do. I try to be thankful for the little things, like there being people around me when others are completely isolated, but it's still not the best feeling. And it's something you can't really admit to in the group you're with, as they are sure to think you are trying to be 'superior' in some way, but it's not that at all. All I can comfort you with is that you aren't alone in feeling it.

[Sandyblues in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for that lovely message and it shows you really understand.I also know how you're feeling and you cope really well although you think u don't.Thanks again.love from Sandy xxx

[Hidden in reply to Sandyblues]

Thanks too for your understanding me, and for your encouragement!

[Sandyblues]

Thanks once again for your kind reply.Unfortunately I can't move as I'm on an assisted payment for fees here so can't pick and choose.I'm also partly wheelchair bound so mooving wouldn't be possible physically so I will have to carry on putting up with it.It's so kind of u to offer suggestions but impossible now as im sure u realise.Please tell me more about you.Do u have family? /my little grand daughter is a ray of sunshine in my life.She's nearly 8months.What family do u have?take care.Sandy xx

[Sandyblues]

Her name is Alice and she's always smiling.I can get out in a wheelchair but now Alice is here my daughter can't push me and Alice so I wait until my daughter's partner has Alice before I can get out.I see u know Weston.Who knows we might meet one day in the summer if you come here.How do use cope with any pain?I'm on morphine as my spines affected.It's not good but I need pain control.Do u have family? Take care Sandy xx

[rnpath]

try to live your age,come out into natural surroundings and relate with nature around you.

learn to relax,and reflect with your past,trying to deal with each event consciously, removing the negative issues, similar to what we do with defragmentation of computer hard disks.

try living as far as possible in the present moment.

experience aloneness ,not loneliness.

get a pet animal home and care for it, see how your loneliness disapperas

[rnpath]

care homes do have varandahs and garden space around.

discover the variety and watch the birds,squirrels etc and quietly adopt one of them and watch what happens to it each day

[anniecro]

Wonder if they might move you to an assisted living home?where you get meals provided for you but essentially have a flat...people tend to be more independent in these. A care home sounds wrong for you .Alternatively weston-s-m must have plenty to do for retired people ,even if you aren't religious ,church coffee mornings or social clubs are a good way to meet people . It's hard walking in alone at first but these places are generally very welcoming .

[Dianemcleary]

It is lovely to see so many messages of support. 😀 Maybe you could help the staff to organise something you would enjoy for everyone in the home to try...e.g. a musical afternoon with the music you enjoy? Some homes play music they think a certain age group will like...this is not always the case though...worth a try? Also, playlist for life is a fab website. You could get an MP3 player and add your favourite music with your daughter as support? Xx

[Sandyblues in reply to Dianemcleary]

Happy New Year.Just to say I've read your message and I do already suggest music that I would like but it's not what's popular here.Most residents are in their mid eighties or nineties so we get most music from the war years.Thanks for the thought its very kind